Blogging: Epilogue

As I sit here, tissues in hand, I'm sad that the informative story about blogging that I've written is coming to completion. I can't stress enough that it really is completely natural to blog. A lot of people blog in private and are still living and respected. What I'm trying to get at is that blogging feels great and is a fun way to get ideas out. It doesn't matter how they come across; not everybody will understand it every time. On the one hand, you may gain followers. On the other hand, it may make your life a little messy. But you take the good and you take the bad. You take them both, and there you have, the facts about blogging.

- Mr. Baits (my pseudonym)

To clarify, this is not the end of my blog. It's the end of these "blogging" posts.

Super Social Media Bowl Blitz

As I'm sure you are all aware, yesterday was the big day. The day we've been looking forward to all year. Of course, I'm talking about the reunion concert of Destiny's Child. I mean...er...*cough*...the Superbowl. Yeah, the Superbowl, right. If you didn't watch it, go screw yourself. However, here's a summary for the sad lot of you who missed it. 

The game started out as if the San Francisco 49ers were using the Philadelphia Eagles playbook. The silver lining came during the commercials, and when we got to see that one ref (you know the one), and then at halftime, when Beyonce brought down the house. Actually that's not too far off from what literally happened. But after the second halftime, the 49ers started sticking it to the Baltimore Ravens like Ray Lewis in a fight. They nearly caught back up from a 22 point deficit. But in the end, with the help of a couple blown calls, the Ravens came out on top 34-31. So there. Now you know.

I never intended to get on social media and comment about the game and the commercials. It just sort of happened. People seemed to enjoy it, so that was nice. Below is everything I said.

Prediction: Ravens 27  49ers 24

SUPERBOWL!!

Beyonce wins the game, hands down.

Lights out, San Francisco!

I switched over to the puppy bowl.

Crackin pistachio style.

Bet the Ravens didn't see this one coming. You know, cause the lights were out.

God said: I need a commercial that will quiet an entire room; so he made a Dodge commercial.

Was that Usher Raymond IV? And the Green Goblin?

4 seconds is plenty of time..........

New News is Good News

I kept track of the news this week, and here are my thoughts:

Lance Armstrong turned down a spot on 'Dancing With the Stars'. However, he said yes to 'Doping With the Stars'.

Manti Te'o's online dead girlfriend was made up and never existed. If I had a nickle for every time this happened to me, I'd have 0 nickles.

ABC's 'Dont Trust the B in Apartment 23' was cancelled on 1/22/13. I guess we should have read the title more closely.

Tiger Woods is back on top in the world of golf. Is there nothing this man won't get on top of?

A cold stretch of weather swept over the country this past week. Yeah, I heard California was at about 59 degrees in some places.

The Pro Bowl was played last night. I'm just telling you because you probably didn't watch it. I equate the Pro Bowl to the Golden Globes of football. Except I call it the Brown Ovals of Revolution.

Funny Pages Weekly

Corrections:

Hello, my name is Alfredo Miller (yes, like the sauce, and yes, like the beer).  I have a few corrections to last  weeks Funny Pages Weekly. 

On page 3, in the What I've Been Up To section, I incorrectly stated that the date was January 14, 2012. It should read January 15, 2012. 

On page 7, in the In The News section, I mentioned that I buy all of my CD's at Starbucks. I would like to clarify that I only buy most of my CD's at Starbucks. The rest I pirate. 

On page 8, in the Ask Me Anything section, in response to the question "Is my dog racist?", I misstated that France is located in Asia. France is actually located somewhere else. Also, to the person who asked "What is the best type of sock to buy?", I looked it up, and if you lined up all the Slinkys ever made in a row, they could wrap around the Earth 126 times. So you were right.

On page 12, in the Comics section, Mr. Fuzzball should be at the store buying cereal, not buying coffee.

On page 33, in the Crossword section, the word for 26 Across should read "sassafras". Once again, I apologize, and I do not appreciate the death threats.

Thank you,
Alfredo Miller

The Twitterverse and It's Effects on the Sensation of Everyday Life

Hey guys, this is a good one. This is not a post to twiddle your carpel tunneled thumbs at. Last week I was sick, but I’m minimally better now, which is a huge improvement. Ok, enough about that. Now, let's face it. Facebook is boring. There, I said it. Humph. Let me turn back around and explain myself. There just isn't too much going on. I mean, after all, it's where my "friends" are. And why the hell would I want to know that someone just ate at an Applebee's? Maybe because of the Cajun shrimp. I certainly have no need to know that my one friend watches TV. So guess what? Twitter is where it’s at. The party is pumping. Sure there is no event to join for this party, but that's the fun. You just show up and make stupid comments. Everyone is welcome. It's like an open Facebook party. Time: Now. Date: Forever. But twitter is really better. It’s a place for the layperson to knock keyboards with the rich and famous. Some celebrities have twitter account managers like I do, but most are just being themselves and taking great instagram photos. If I were to tell you that most of what I do on twitter is try to talk to celebrities and people more famous than me, would you believe me? I'm inclined to think you would, not just because it's lame, but also because it's improbable and implausible to actually chat with a celebrity. That being said, and you know I hate to brag, but I actually did recently have some tweets of mine recognized by a minor celebrity comedian. Jonah Ray, of the podcast Jonah Raydio, read my response to his twitter game each episode on the past two episodes of his podcast. What does this mean for you? Nothing at all. Zilch. What does it mean for me? Maybe I'll be somebody someday. But that’s the joy of twitter. So, I’d like to thank the universe for twitter, and thank the twitterverse for uni, or something like that. I think you get what I'm saying. And don't forget twitter's golden rule: Tweet others how you would want to be tweeted.

PS. You can follow me at @ChavoTheLegend. For those unfamiliar with twitter, here are examples of both good and bad  tweets.

Example of a good tweet: just went to the gym, now I'm chillin at the grocery store #newyearsresolutions

Example of a bad tweet: #FF hello #goodbye just ate breakfast @twitter

Happy tweeting from a happy tweeter.

Sick Days

First of all, Happy New Year. A week in and going strong. Now, it has been brought to my attention that I am entitled to a sick day every now and again. I did some further research and found out that I am owed two self-appointed sick days (I just made that up). I think I will use one today. Don't think of it as me not writing anything; think of it as you not reading anything. So there you go. Wow, what a start to the year. Have a good a week and stay well. 

P.S. I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I apologize. 

New Year's Evening

10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Happy Monday!!!!!!

Thar's right, it's New Years Eve. People said it would all end on the 21st of December. They also said I'm funny. They were wrong on both accounts. But do you know what is ending that they aren't wrong about? The year 2012. Personally, I welcome 2013 with open arms and open hands because we need to slap some sense into this new year and get stuff done. Right now, however, I recommend getting a pad of paper and writing down your realistic yet implausible resolutions, and then taking a moment to practice writing 2013. Because if I see one sheet of paper with 2012 on it, so help me I will break every single writing utensil you own. The fun part, though, is watching everyone drop the ball at New Year's Rockin' Eve in Times Square, with someone named Ryan Seacrest, whoever that is. By drop the ball, I mean mess up, not make the ball the drop. And maybe they'll answer my question of where do all those people go to the bathroom? (I don't think my first guess of in the subway is correct, there's way too many people.) In conclusion, Happy New Year and may 2013 finally be the year that you complete and stick with all of your resolutions.

Tis the Night Before Christmas

Well, tonight is Christmas Eve. And so in honor of that, I thought I would read Twas the Night Before Christmas, with a little help from my friends (wink). So enjoy that. Also, the world didn't end, so I'm pretty high on life right now. And as I write this, it is snowing outside. Our dreams of a white Christmas may finally come true. Have a holly, jolly Christmas because it is the most wonderful time of the year. And if you haven't done all of your shopping by now, it's about to get really awkward where you are. Happy Holidays, and Merry Tuesday!

The Hanukkah Diaries, with Some Seasonal Cheer

Day 4,
Well, I have to say, this sensation of overwhelming laziness that I have is doing me no favors. I forgot to feed my cat, and now I can't find him. But there is still oil in the bottle.

Day 5,
I swallowed a Tic-Tac whole yesterday, and I can still feel it in my throat. I made an omelet, and you know what, I am nearly out of oil.

Day 6,
The milkman was here today, which is strange, because we don't have a milkman. I also bought an alarm system for the house. I have to go, though, because I am drizzling the last bit of oil over some chicken.

Day 7,
I was able to scrape the sides of the bottle and saute some vegetables for lunch. But, that appears to be the last of the oil.

Day 8,
I didn't throw the bottle out yesterday, it just sort of sat on the counter all night. And, to my complete surprise, there is oil settled in the bottom, enough probably, for an omelet. It's a Christmas miracle.


Be joyous this holiday season, and take time to laugh a little. The world can be a cruel place, and although it may seem safe, you just never know. So this holiday season, don't be mad at your crazy in-law, or your wacky cousins, or your nagging relatives, or the kids taking the house apart looking for presents. Just celebrate together. And remember, there's always eggnog. Lots and lots of eggnog. Or just straight alcohol.

Happy Holidays!!

The Hanukkah Diaries

Dear Hanukkah Diary,

Day 1 
Today I went to the kitchen to make an omelet, and I got out the oil, but it didn't look like it would last me the next 8 days. Should I go buy more?

Day 2
I tried only using a little bit of oil today, and it really doesn't look like it will last. I'm gonna go buy more.

Day 3
Crap. I didn't make it to the market. I got sidetracked offering animal sacrifices. But, you know, the oil seems to be lasting.