The Project

It was 11:38 two minutes ago when Michael glanced at the clock. Now it was 11:40.
"Uh, we've been doing this for four hours. I hate group projects."
"I like group projects, because people are easy to work with," said no one ever.
"Well, that makes one us. Did you finish proofreading the document yet?" asked Michael, who prefers to be called Mike.
"Yeah, and it looks good. There were no mistakes and everything was clear and concise the first time we wrote it," said no one ever.
"Good, that'll save us some time. What's left?" asked Mike with a yawn.
"Well, we need to create the poster to present our project. And let's write it in Web-dings," said no one ever.
"I think we will use Times New Roman. Do you want to stop working for today?"
"Yeah, I'm glad that we are ahead of schedule," said no one ever.
"Good, let's finish things up later," Mike proclaimed.
"It's so nice that we chose to do our science project about cocks," said no one ever.
"Most people call them roosters," said Mike. "You should probably call them roosters."
"OK, sorry, my fault," said no one ever.

Deal With It!

I don't know about you, but I just came out of my food coma. They had me on knife support.
Now that that is over, today is the holiest day of the year for lazy people with money and a computer. It's Cyber Bullying Monday, or maybe just Cyber Monday. I feel like the internet is ruling over us today, kind of like Skynet in The Terminator, except in this case it would be SkyMall.
Hey, go buy something today because things are pretty cheap online. It's exactly like Black Friday, except online. So it's actually no different.
I have to say that this year, I have not participated in any sales or discounts at the start of the holiday season. But I plan to buy things closer to Christmas, which is coming up, sometime towards the end of December. Hanukkah is at the beginning of December. Get ready people. The holidays are in full swing. And today is the day to go buy a full swing set, or a hammock. Just Do It! Swoosh! Nike. Go on Ebay and buy Twinkies. There, now you have plenty of homework. Sorry if I appear bossy (I mean to appear pushy), but that's just how I feel today. Deal with it!!

Giving Thanks (Rebecca Black Friday)

Today is Monday. Thanksgiving is Thursday. And Friday comes afterwards. We, we, we so excited.We so excited. We gonna eat butterball Thursday. I don't want this holiday vacation to end. It's Thursday, Thanksday, gotta give thanks on Thursday. Everybody fighting with their in-laws. Ex-in-laws. Thursday, Thanksday, gotta eat food on Thursday, Everybody's looking forward to the stuffing, gravy.........

This year, I'm thankful that we had all forgotten about Rebecca Black until just now. I'm thankful that the election has ended, and the President has been decided, despite your political view/incorrect ideals. Also, I'm thankful that I'm still doing this. You see, this is the second Thanksgiving post that I've done, and I would like to make it as good as the previous one.
To me, Thanksgiving means being thankful for all you've gotten and currently have. Give and get give, as the saying that I recently made up goes. Generosity is something that should be valued highly, however, some people are just plain stingy. In what I'm making a Thanksgiving tradition, here's a short list (which I am overly generous with) of things people are usually not generous with:

1. Their life savings
2. Their lives
3. Their social security numbers
4. The dark meat of the turkey
5. Their real feelings about in-laws

I have to admit that sometimes I am accused of being less generous (or "incredibly, unfathomably ungenerous") with my possessions. I could tell you why, but I don't want to give out that information.

Getting back to Thanksgiving, I recently got an email with the subject line "Are Turkeys Jewish?" This is an interesting question. I know for a fact that they don't work on Saturdays, but does that make them Jewish? Gobble and giblets sound like Yiddish words, but does that make them Jewish? Something doesn't seem kosher about this question. I'll have to look into it more later.

In summary, Thanksgiving is a time for rest and relaxation. But, unfortunately, if you're going home, you won't get that. You'll get your family, and the stress and hilarity and craziness that comes along with that. But, just remember to give thanks, be thankful for what you are giving, remind the people that you are giving to to thank you, thank them for thanking you, think of who you are thanking, and thank people for thinking of you. This alone should be enough to keep you busy over Thanksgiving.

Well, I've Never...!!

I've done a lot of things in my hay day. That was the one day when I restocked hay barrels on a farm. But, as we all know, after you restock hay, you wake up from the dream you are having. It was then that I realized that there are so many more things that I've never had the chance to do. So, here's a list, which is by no means exhaustive:

1. made an exhaustive list
2. jumped out of a plane while drinking a sprite zero
3. eaten a bag of Doritos underwater
4. misspelled organism as orgasm
5. bought stock in Blockbuster
6. gotten back to together with Taylor Swift. Like ever.
7. wrestled with the idea of becoming a wrestler
8. read a book backwards: koob a
9. seen the movie Battleship
10. bought an eye-patch and wore it to the mall

Now, grab hold of your future and take its lunch money.

One Year

Ok. If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, thank you. If you haven't been reading this blog from the beginning, thank you also because you are reading now. I've been doing this for a year. So let me tell you what it means to me. This blog is a way for me to take something that I think is funny during the week, and turn it into a small piece of writing. Then, I show you because I figure if it makes me laugh, it may make someone else laugh too. You don't have to “get” all of the posts; that's not the point. We as humans connect differently with everything that we encounter. If I see a flower on the grass, I'm going to walk by it, unaffected. But someone else may pick it up and smell it. You get the point, right? Good.

Now, I like writing something each week and then seeing what it ends up looking like. A lot of what I have are some short monologues. Sometimes, I wrote a conversation. Whatever the case, it is all infused with my version of wit and sarcasm. Whether that's funny or just plain stupid, well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

One thing that I've learned is that writing is good but I can create video and audio content and post it to this blog and around the internet. You may remember when I tried to explain the history of the world. That was fun, and I would like to do more. I'd like to keep this blog going. It's great practice for me. So now I'm going to try some voice work, between story time and the radio show.

The following is the first episode of story time. You may recognize some familiar voices. Note: I do not have the pull to actually get the celebrities reading the story. Spoiler Alert: it’s me doing impressions.

Happy Halloween!

Boo! Halloween is a scary time when people are tricking and/or treating you into eating candy and getting diabetes. Scary, campy movies about scary camps are on TV. This is the one time a year when you are expected to feed everyone else’s kids. It’s like, “I don’t even feed my own kids, why should I feed everyone else’s? Go home!!” But, nevertheless, we deal with it the best way we can, by buying jumbo bags of bite size candy and rotting the teeth of our future. But also, it’s a time for ghost stories and funny costumes. Want to hear a ghost story?

A man is trapped in the basement. “Let me out,” he yells. No answer. Just then, he hears a crackling noise from behind the door. It opens slowly, and the light blinds him in his eyeballs. Standing in the doorway is a small child. "What’s your name?” the man asks. The kid smiles ominously, laughs, and runs away. Standing behind that kid is an even smaller child, who falls over and begins to cry. The man picks the child up and quickly realizes that this kid is not his own. I could get into trouble for kidnapping, he thinks. The child begins to fall asleep. "Ahhh," he yells. "This kid is napping!" He tosses the child onto the couch, runs out of the house and into the street, where he is run over by a bicycle, with nobody riding it. Ooooh, oooooooh.

That was fun. Happy Halloween.

P.S. - This was the 52^nd  week that I’ve posted something. Next week, I will be celebrating the one-year anniversary (which I think is the silver anniversary). Stay tuned. 

Quit it with the Quidditch

I walked by a game of Quidditch yesterday (not Quids itch, like this stupid autocorrect  wants to write). No, I wasn't at Hogwarts, if that’s what you were thinking. I was right here in America. People were flying around on brooms and passing quaffles back and forth. In fact, one guy just stopped in midair, quaffle in hand, and hesitated throwing it. He waffled with a quaffle...
Nah, I'm just shitting you, the people weren't actually flying around because that’s impossible. And I think they were using volleyballs. And the snitch was just a guy running around telling on people, who the players had to catch and beat up. That's the problem with muggles today. They are all just copycats. What, just because the wizards and witches come up with an enchanting game that has a lot of charm and excitement, the muggles can't let them have this one thing? Don't muggles have everything else, like equality and freedom? I think if we let them take this, we are sending the message that whatever genius idea wizards and witches come up with for fun is public domain, free for the taking and franchising. That's why I am petitioning to create the Magical Understanding of Good Games License Entitlement Act, or M.U.G.G.L.E. Act, in order to protect the wizarding world from such blatant and inexcusable theft and ruination of such a classic and beloved sport. Because the wizarding world doesn't have too much, and it's high time we fixed that. I mean we are already making them use a fraction of our train station platforms. So if you're with me, let's get equality for all by being all for equality. (Mudbloods need not apply)

Definitive Answers

If you ended up watching the Vice Presidential Debate last Thursday, I'm willing to bet you were confused, not just because there was a woman moderating and politics is a man's job, but also because the terms that were thrown around were unfamiliar to the general public. I will help you out and define some of the unclear words and phrases used below:

1. Malarkey - see bunch of stuff
2. Bunch of Stuff - (Irish in origin) see Malarkey
3. 47% - the amount of the way down the forehead that Paul Ryan's widow's peak extends
4. My Friend - my enemy, Paul Ryan
5. I've Got a Bridge to Sell You - the conditions in Scranton are so bad that people there are actually trying to sell away their useless, run down bridges.
6. Overseas - across Lake Superior
7. Calendar Year - Spring, Summer, Fall, in that order, the same way every year (Paul Ryan does not believe in winter)
8. Specifics - broad, off-topic statements

Hopefully, this clears up some of the confusion. Happy voting!!

NBC's New Hit Show

Hey, did anyone catch that new sitcom that aired last Wednesday night at 9 on NBC? You know, the one where the out of touch white guy and the distracted black guy roomed together at the University of Denver? And they brought along their wacky older friend, but they only kept him around so they could make fun of him. You saw it, right? It was filmed in front of a live studio audience, so they didn't need to overtax a laugh track. I know you saw it. The dialogue was well written and zingers were exchanged between both of the guys. I think it was called Head of the Middle Class, or Saved by the Liberty Bell: The College Years. It's always fun to watch the two of them play off of each other. They get into trouble and then talk their way out of it. Now that I think about it, was it called The West Wing of the Commons? I can't remember. Anyway, overall I thought the show was good. I hope they don't cancel it after three episodes. Wait! Hold on a second! I'm being told it was the first of the Presidential Debates. That was a Presidential Debate? Huh? That's debatable.

That Was Random, Wasn't It?

I roll with a small crew; I say roll because I'm usually the third wheel. Now, the crew is very interesting, if you consider people who aren't interesting interesting. But small company is good company, right? Wrong. I don't like it. It needs to change. And so I've expanded my crew to a new, larger one. Crew 2.0, I guess. But really, I'm no longer the third wheel, now I'm the 14th wheel in an 18 wheel tanker barreling down the highway at the speed of life. Not really life it the fast lane, as trucks aren't allowed in the fast lane. It's just nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. So go out and tackle life on the one yard line. But not when the refs are looking. A week ago you would have been OK, but not now. Since your still reading, I'll leave you with this: If at first you don't succeed, give up and move on. You'll save time and effort.