New News is Good News

I kept track of the news this week, and here are my thoughts:

Lance Armstrong turned down a spot on 'Dancing With the Stars'. However, he said yes to 'Doping With the Stars'.

Manti Te'o's online dead girlfriend was made up and never existed. If I had a nickle for every time this happened to me, I'd have 0 nickles.

ABC's 'Dont Trust the B in Apartment 23' was cancelled on 1/22/13. I guess we should have read the title more closely.

Tiger Woods is back on top in the world of golf. Is there nothing this man won't get on top of?

A cold stretch of weather swept over the country this past week. Yeah, I heard California was at about 59 degrees in some places.

The Pro Bowl was played last night. I'm just telling you because you probably didn't watch it. I equate the Pro Bowl to the Golden Globes of football. Except I call it the Brown Ovals of Revolution.

Funny Pages Weekly

Corrections:

Hello, my name is Alfredo Miller (yes, like the sauce, and yes, like the beer).  I have a few corrections to last  weeks Funny Pages Weekly. 

On page 3, in the What I've Been Up To section, I incorrectly stated that the date was January 14, 2012. It should read January 15, 2012. 

On page 7, in the In The News section, I mentioned that I buy all of my CD's at Starbucks. I would like to clarify that I only buy most of my CD's at Starbucks. The rest I pirate. 

On page 8, in the Ask Me Anything section, in response to the question "Is my dog racist?", I misstated that France is located in Asia. France is actually located somewhere else. Also, to the person who asked "What is the best type of sock to buy?", I looked it up, and if you lined up all the Slinkys ever made in a row, they could wrap around the Earth 126 times. So you were right.

On page 12, in the Comics section, Mr. Fuzzball should be at the store buying cereal, not buying coffee.

On page 33, in the Crossword section, the word for 26 Across should read "sassafras". Once again, I apologize, and I do not appreciate the death threats.

Thank you,
Alfredo Miller

The Twitterverse and It's Effects on the Sensation of Everyday Life

Hey guys, this is a good one. This is not a post to twiddle your carpel tunneled thumbs at. Last week I was sick, but I’m minimally better now, which is a huge improvement. Ok, enough about that. Now, let's face it. Facebook is boring. There, I said it. Humph. Let me turn back around and explain myself. There just isn't too much going on. I mean, after all, it's where my "friends" are. And why the hell would I want to know that someone just ate at an Applebee's? Maybe because of the Cajun shrimp. I certainly have no need to know that my one friend watches TV. So guess what? Twitter is where it’s at. The party is pumping. Sure there is no event to join for this party, but that's the fun. You just show up and make stupid comments. Everyone is welcome. It's like an open Facebook party. Time: Now. Date: Forever. But twitter is really better. It’s a place for the layperson to knock keyboards with the rich and famous. Some celebrities have twitter account managers like I do, but most are just being themselves and taking great instagram photos. If I were to tell you that most of what I do on twitter is try to talk to celebrities and people more famous than me, would you believe me? I'm inclined to think you would, not just because it's lame, but also because it's improbable and implausible to actually chat with a celebrity. That being said, and you know I hate to brag, but I actually did recently have some tweets of mine recognized by a minor celebrity comedian. Jonah Ray, of the podcast Jonah Raydio, read my response to his twitter game each episode on the past two episodes of his podcast. What does this mean for you? Nothing at all. Zilch. What does it mean for me? Maybe I'll be somebody someday. But that’s the joy of twitter. So, I’d like to thank the universe for twitter, and thank the twitterverse for uni, or something like that. I think you get what I'm saying. And don't forget twitter's golden rule: Tweet others how you would want to be tweeted.

PS. You can follow me at @ChavoTheLegend. For those unfamiliar with twitter, here are examples of both good and bad  tweets.

Example of a good tweet: just went to the gym, now I'm chillin at the grocery store #newyearsresolutions

Example of a bad tweet: #FF hello #goodbye just ate breakfast @twitter

Happy tweeting from a happy tweeter.

Sick Days

First of all, Happy New Year. A week in and going strong. Now, it has been brought to my attention that I am entitled to a sick day every now and again. I did some further research and found out that I am owed two self-appointed sick days (I just made that up). I think I will use one today. Don't think of it as me not writing anything; think of it as you not reading anything. So there you go. Wow, what a start to the year. Have a good a week and stay well. 

P.S. I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I apologize. 

New Year's Evening

10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Happy Monday!!!!!!

Thar's right, it's New Years Eve. People said it would all end on the 21st of December. They also said I'm funny. They were wrong on both accounts. But do you know what is ending that they aren't wrong about? The year 2012. Personally, I welcome 2013 with open arms and open hands because we need to slap some sense into this new year and get stuff done. Right now, however, I recommend getting a pad of paper and writing down your realistic yet implausible resolutions, and then taking a moment to practice writing 2013. Because if I see one sheet of paper with 2012 on it, so help me I will break every single writing utensil you own. The fun part, though, is watching everyone drop the ball at New Year's Rockin' Eve in Times Square, with someone named Ryan Seacrest, whoever that is. By drop the ball, I mean mess up, not make the ball the drop. And maybe they'll answer my question of where do all those people go to the bathroom? (I don't think my first guess of in the subway is correct, there's way too many people.) In conclusion, Happy New Year and may 2013 finally be the year that you complete and stick with all of your resolutions.

Tis the Night Before Christmas

Well, tonight is Christmas Eve. And so in honor of that, I thought I would read Twas the Night Before Christmas, with a little help from my friends (wink). So enjoy that. Also, the world didn't end, so I'm pretty high on life right now. And as I write this, it is snowing outside. Our dreams of a white Christmas may finally come true. Have a holly, jolly Christmas because it is the most wonderful time of the year. And if you haven't done all of your shopping by now, it's about to get really awkward where you are. Happy Holidays, and Merry Tuesday!

The Hanukkah Diaries, with Some Seasonal Cheer

Day 4,
Well, I have to say, this sensation of overwhelming laziness that I have is doing me no favors. I forgot to feed my cat, and now I can't find him. But there is still oil in the bottle.

Day 5,
I swallowed a Tic-Tac whole yesterday, and I can still feel it in my throat. I made an omelet, and you know what, I am nearly out of oil.

Day 6,
The milkman was here today, which is strange, because we don't have a milkman. I also bought an alarm system for the house. I have to go, though, because I am drizzling the last bit of oil over some chicken.

Day 7,
I was able to scrape the sides of the bottle and saute some vegetables for lunch. But, that appears to be the last of the oil.

Day 8,
I didn't throw the bottle out yesterday, it just sort of sat on the counter all night. And, to my complete surprise, there is oil settled in the bottom, enough probably, for an omelet. It's a Christmas miracle.


Be joyous this holiday season, and take time to laugh a little. The world can be a cruel place, and although it may seem safe, you just never know. So this holiday season, don't be mad at your crazy in-law, or your wacky cousins, or your nagging relatives, or the kids taking the house apart looking for presents. Just celebrate together. And remember, there's always eggnog. Lots and lots of eggnog. Or just straight alcohol.

Happy Holidays!!

The Hanukkah Diaries

Dear Hanukkah Diary,

Day 1 
Today I went to the kitchen to make an omelet, and I got out the oil, but it didn't look like it would last me the next 8 days. Should I go buy more?

Day 2
I tried only using a little bit of oil today, and it really doesn't look like it will last. I'm gonna go buy more.

Day 3
Crap. I didn't make it to the market. I got sidetracked offering animal sacrifices. But, you know, the oil seems to be lasting. 

The Project

It was 11:38 two minutes ago when Michael glanced at the clock. Now it was 11:40.
"Uh, we've been doing this for four hours. I hate group projects."
"I like group projects, because people are easy to work with," said no one ever.
"Well, that makes one us. Did you finish proofreading the document yet?" asked Michael, who prefers to be called Mike.
"Yeah, and it looks good. There were no mistakes and everything was clear and concise the first time we wrote it," said no one ever.
"Good, that'll save us some time. What's left?" asked Mike with a yawn.
"Well, we need to create the poster to present our project. And let's write it in Web-dings," said no one ever.
"I think we will use Times New Roman. Do you want to stop working for today?"
"Yeah, I'm glad that we are ahead of schedule," said no one ever.
"Good, let's finish things up later," Mike proclaimed.
"It's so nice that we chose to do our science project about cocks," said no one ever.
"Most people call them roosters," said Mike. "You should probably call them roosters."
"OK, sorry, my fault," said no one ever.

Deal With It!

I don't know about you, but I just came out of my food coma. They had me on knife support.
Now that that is over, today is the holiest day of the year for lazy people with money and a computer. It's Cyber Bullying Monday, or maybe just Cyber Monday. I feel like the internet is ruling over us today, kind of like Skynet in The Terminator, except in this case it would be SkyMall.
Hey, go buy something today because things are pretty cheap online. It's exactly like Black Friday, except online. So it's actually no different.
I have to say that this year, I have not participated in any sales or discounts at the start of the holiday season. But I plan to buy things closer to Christmas, which is coming up, sometime towards the end of December. Hanukkah is at the beginning of December. Get ready people. The holidays are in full swing. And today is the day to go buy a full swing set, or a hammock. Just Do It! Swoosh! Nike. Go on Ebay and buy Twinkies. There, now you have plenty of homework. Sorry if I appear bossy (I mean to appear pushy), but that's just how I feel today. Deal with it!!