Speak "Not-so" Easy

Dear Comedy,

I am writing you a formal apology. No, no, let me finish. I attempted to do you on Friday night, but alas, I failed, hard. Normally, doing something hard is a good idea, so I'm just as confused as you are. 

Now, I've done monologues before, not unlike this one, but Friday night was rough. It's not that it wasn't funny. I thought it was. It's just that I felt unprepared. I was worried about the words and I forgot to commit to the acting. Also, I forgot the words. 

Aww, man! Those words. I just didn't know them. I read them over and over all day, but when I got out in front of the audience, I didn't know them. Luckily, I had them with me, so when I pulled the paper out, it looked tacky in a prepared way.

Listen, I'm sorry again. I'll try harder next time. I'm still learning how you work. Give me a break. Please?

Yours truly,

Charlie

P.S. I will be redeeming myself this Thursday and Friday, during my sketch show at the Philly Improv Theater at 9:00 pm. So you can rest easy, old friend.

Segue Monday

This week has been kind of low key. I stayed home because I'm Jewish and don't believe in the Pope. But I think a lot of people saw him and feel closer to whatever is inside of the inevitable darkness that awaits us. Whoa! That's pretty heavy stuff. I sounded like a poet with big dreams.

Speaking of dreams, I've had some weird dreams the past couple of nights. Two nights prior, I dreamed that I was very good at improv. Everything that I did was perfect. I listened and responded well. Last night, conversely, I had a dream that I was very bad at stand up. I forgot all of my jokes. But I did ad lib the line "life, liberty, and the pursuit of your mom," so it wasn't a total waste. And in real life, like in my dream, I was sweating pretty heavily at the end of it.

Speaking of salty water, NASA says they may have found evidence of water on Mars. Mars is a cold planet (And they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, wait till you get older.) that everyone hopes contains life for some reason. Is something else out there? Who knows. I think we need a little more information for Martian life than some briny erosion on Mars.

Speaking of Martian life, the movie The Martian comes out this Friday. It's going to be awesome, just like the book of the same name. If you haven't read Andy Weir's book, do yourself a favor and read it. I teared up at the trailer, so maybe don't go by me. Make a decision for yourself.

Speaking of making a decision for yourself, I'm doing a monologue this Friday at the Philly Improv Theater, and you should decide to come see it. That's all I have this week. Have a good one!

This is it, the aPOPEcalypse!

Well, folks, he's coming. The Papal invasion begins in about 3 days. The city is going to close it's doors to the public. But just remember, when God closes one door, he opens a window somewhere and shoves the Pope in through it. Never has something so hard to figure out happened to Philadelphia since the 2015 Eagles season. If you're leaving the city, get out now. If you're staying in the city, get out now. I don't know of any other word to describe this whole visitation process besides the word (and here's where this blogs really earns it R-rating) clusterf**k. First, you need a ticket. Then you need a special pass. Now the Pope is only speaking Spanish. So, I guess he's not stopping at Geno's. Ooh, zinger!! Spanish to English dictionaries are going to fly off of the shelves in the next few days. You know it's going to just be millions of people each flipping madly through their dictionaries like "Shoot! Ok, what does the word 'Jesús' mean? He keeps using it a lot." 

My only piece of advice is to do what makes you feel safe and comfortable. Odds are, going outside will be the opposite of that. Stay in and use this weekend to catch up on TV or get household chores done. That way, when people ask what you did when the Pope came in, you can tell them that you finished your basement and painted your living room while watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and then launch in to an interesting monoglue about the experience of being locked away due to religious beliefs. Buts that's only a suggestion (wink!). I don't live in the city, so I'm staying away this week. It's going to be hectic and way too Christian for me, like the mall on Black Friday. But a lot of people are going to turn out and try to glimpse the Pope from two miles away. And that takes real dedication. So whatever you do this week, show it real dedication. That includes you, Pope!! Yeah, I just called out the Pope. So what? I'm Jewish. He can't touch me. I don't care. Humph!!!

Stay safe, and see you next week!!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

What a week, people! Let's get right into it. On Thursday, I had the option of spending a rainy day at home, or spending a rainy day in New York being an extra in a movie for no money. So naturally, I got a lot of housework done and cleaned up my room. Nah, just kidding! I hopped aboard some trains and headed for the East Village. That's where Mike Birbiglia, the famous comedian/actor/director, was filming his new movie Don't Think Twice. How did I get this opportunity? I asked, plain and simple. I didn't think twice about it either. I met all of my friends (yes, I have those now) and the seven of us proceeded to try and be extras in the film. The film is about an improv team and what happens behind the scenes when they are faced with hard times. It's a neat idea and deserves to be shared with the world. 

When we got there, we checked in, made sure our wardrobe was acceptable, sat down, and waited. Then, we waited. After that, we waited some more. That's showbiz for ya! (That's my new catchphrase. I'm trying it out.) Finally, after about 5 hours of waiting and two scoops of ice cream, they told us it was time to film the scene. Then, we all walked single file from the holding area to the set like a fourth grade class on a field trip to a museum.

The set was small. The camera adds ten feet. That's showbiz for ya! We all packed into the makeshift improv theater that they had set up, complete with a man a playing an organ off to the side, which seemed unnecessary. That's showbiz for ya! Then, we all got to watch Keegan-Michael Key and Gillian Jacobs perform a scripted improv scene together, while Mike Birbiglia directed from off to the side. It was like something out of the... well, out of the movies. I was thrilled to be there. Plus, the guy holding the camera was wearing the same shoes as me, so I felt like I did something right. 

If/when the movie comes out, you will probably see me in the audience. I'm down front. You can't miss me. If they use the shots of me, though, then I'll be famous. I'll have my very own IMDB page with one credit on it. That actually sounds kind of sad. But hey, that's showbiz for ya!

And also, last night was the 3rd Annual Oddball Comedy festival in beautiful Camden. Oddball Fest blew the roof off of the Susquehanna Bank Center, which fit right in with all of the other buildings missing roofs because Camden. You get to sit there and watch comedian after comedian come out and slay the audience. It was impressive and awe inspiring. I want to do it. New life goal! See ya next week!!

Work Hard, Play Hard

Let's continue with the whole schooling theme that I established last week. Now this is my story (all about about how my life got flip turned upside down) about an epiphany I may have had last week.

When I was in 9th grade, I had my English teacher sign my yearbook, along with all of my other teachers, partly because I liked my teachers, and partly because the other students wouldn't sign my yearbook. I've got pages to fill, people! She wrote a message to both me and my brother. For my brother, she wrote something to the effect of "Have a good summer. Please come back and visit anytime." He was in a different class with like 6 students, and I always felt she liked him more. For me, she wrote "Always remember to balance work and play." Naturally, if you know me at all, I took this as a huge insult because she wasn't as cheery towards me as she was to him, and I have had a slight grudge about it ever since. I have a drawer full of grudges, and it's sitting on top of the pile.

Last week, I was talking with my family, and I brought it up, as I do from time to time, to joke about it in self-deprecating conversation. But while I was talking, I realized, for the first time, that maybe she was trying to give me some of the best advice that I could have been given at the time, a time when I took myself and my work so seriously. What?!?!?!

What I may have realized is that she was telling me to play more and not be so uptight about work. You know, work hard, play hard, as the kids say. Now, I couldn't agree more with her because I want to make playing my work. But then, I saw it as an insult. Not the biggest insult written in my yearbook, but definitely, you know, in the top five.

Part of me wants to apologize to her, but she doesn't know I have a grudge, so that wouldn't do any good. Part of me wants to ask her what she meant, but I don't know if she would remember. It probably doesn't keep her up at night like it keeps me up at night.

I guess the moral of the story is to realize when you are being given good advice and when you are being insulted. And also make friends so your yearbook isn't as empty as mine. Sign my yearbook, please!!!

Stay in School, Kids!!

Today is the first day of school for most kids and adults. Everyone tells you to go to school. "Learn something, stupid! Soak up some knowledge." Then, you graduate from high school and you have to go to college. "Oh, no one will care about you if you don't go to college," they say. Then you graduate from college and everyone says "Congratulations on finally finishing schooling! Now that you're done, go back to school and get a Ph.D, masters, or something." And so you do that too. And you're one million dollars in debt by this point. And then you say "Now what?" And they tell you to find a good job to pay back all of the money you owe. And you say "Ok, alright." Because you don't know much. Well, you know a lot, remember all that schooling? But you don't know what's out there. What's life like? What's a good job? Where do I get one of those? You don't know. And so you find yourself stuck, right where you are, frozen in place, like Gotham City in the movie Batman and Robin. The moral of this story is to be your own masked vigilante. Save yourself. Just no guns. That's the one rule.

If you're looking to watch me save myself, I'm doing sketch comedy this week at a show called Hey We're Cool. It's at L'Etage in Philadelphia. You should look it up and come check it out. It will be really funny. See ya there!

Books, Books, and All Things Books!

As some of you know, I am an avid reader. It kind of comes with the territory of people who like to write and who say stuff like "comes with the territory." Anyway, I've read so many autobiographies/memoirs of different comedians (#humblebrag) and thought for a brief moment that I could do it too. So, when I was an architecture student four years ago, I wrote a small book about my time there. I will work on getting it on to this website in the hopes that some people will read it, want to edit it, or want to publish it. It would be so cool if someone could get me in contact with a publisher (hint hint). If not, well, then, its out there, on the interwebs, in cyberspace for all of eternity. And that's pretty cool too. 

It's my goal to write for a medium that everybody will see eventually and this puts me one step closer. One small step for me, one giant leap for me again when I get famous.

Give Me a Break!!!

This week, I'm taking a much needed vacation. I'm taking some me time. It'll be good to get out and clear my head and reevaluate my life. This will be the second time that I have gone to the beach this summer, one where I'll get to use my new sandals. It's been a very busy summer at home and I need a time out (does Zach Morris's Time Out motion from the 90's TV classic "Saved by the Bell"). I just can't take it anymore, or as the kids say today, I can't even.

But this isn't one of those posts where I say I have nothing to say and I've that I've gone fishing. I mean, I will be going fishing at some point on this trip, but that's neither here nor there. (Correction: we tried to go fishing tonight but the pier is closed due to it being unsafe.) My point is that you might not be able to reach me for a week because I'm rocking back and forth on an unsafe pier. That or I'm playing golf. One or the other. 

Have a good week. Take a little time to smile and call yourself out on something stupid that you did. Then tell me about it so I can laugh at you too. :)

Always Be Sleeping

I was dead tired yesterday. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to donate two hours of my time from 6 a.m to 8 a.m. Then, I worked from 1:00 p.m to 6:00 p.m. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, I'm just saying I could've been sleeping. 

I know what you're thinking. "This is just gonna be another post where Charlie says he doesn't have anything this week and tells us he's tired." Wrong! Let's talk about sleep.

I need it!  If I don't get it, I'm a monster in the morning. I need a solid six hours of good sleep, like deep REM cycle stuff. None of this U2 business. I mean, it takes a lot to look this good. It's not as effortless as I make it seem. *wink*

Almost everything that I say can be followed by the words "but I could have been sleeping." It's that important to me. I value my time asleep as much as I value my time awake. A good night's sleep is the reason that I'm a civil engineer and not an architect. I just couldn't sleep on a cold concrete floor using my backpack as a pillow. This post is a day late because  I actually fell asleep in the middle of writing it. That's not an excuse, it's the truth. 

What I'm trying to say is that I apologize, but I was asleep. (That's what she said!) I slept for 12 hours and I feel great today. And on a rainy Tuesday, what could be better? I can't think of anything. 

The Frugality Examination

Well folks, it's August. I can't believe it. August snuck up on me like Bill Cosby at a bar, and by that I mean on August first I woke up drunk and with the feeling like something was wrong. That's when I looked at my wallet, and saw that the money pocket was empty. Don't worry. I wasn't robbed. I did it myself. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

I worried yesterday about writing two "money" posts in a row. But since I haven't won the lottery yet, it doesn't look tacky to do so. Also, I can do what I want. It's whatever. Get off my back! This time, though, it's not about having all of the money, it's about having very little.

Webster's Dictionary defines frugal as being "careful about spending money or using things when you do not need to." This is where I find myself this week, wanting to live as frugally as possible, because I have no clue what the future holds. To me, frugality is what you get when you combine self restraint with unemployment. Remember, frugality is 99% perspiration and 1% that awful feeling of worry about how you will pay all of the bills.

Now to be fair, I've always been a little frugal. I'm Jewish after all. I mean, I call change I find on the ground 'supplemental income.' It's second nature, like the urge to lift people up in chairs when happy music plays. But that doesn't mean I can't increase my frugality every now and again. I've started coupon hunting, looking above and below for anything that can help me save money. You know those surveys at the end of receipts that you look at before you throw out the receipts? I do those now. This is what I mean. I'm not quite at extreme couponing levels, but I'm getting close. 

It's all about living within your means. If you can't afford a car, don't buy one. Take public transportation and bum rides off of your friends and family until they get annoyed by you. It's really that simple.

Look. I think that the reason that I am so into money right now is because I started reading a book about behavioral economics. That's most likely the reason. It's fascinating stuff. So, like the great Sean Paul of Youngbloodz says "Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind." But always remember, like the great Notorious B.I.G. says, "Mo money, mo problems."