If I Should Win the Lottery

If I should win the lottery,
I’d beat up a random man,
Then pay all of his medical bills
Just because I can.

I’d apply to every job,
And the ones I’d get I’d quit,
Because I wouldn’t need the money
So I wouldn’t give a shit.

I’d buy every scratch off ticket
And win the lottery again,
Because I’m super greedy,
And don’t know how to “say when.”

I’d go and find a hooker
And ask her to be my bride,
Then say I’d met her at a synagogue
But secretly know that I lied.

I’d fake my own death
And pay the doctors to keep silent,
Then show up at my own funeral
And make things get very violent.

I’d get full body plastic surgery
To fix every single imperfection,
Then commit a bunch of crimes
And beat the police’s facial detection.

I’d buy a private island
And fill myself with rage
To impersonate my favorite celebrity,
The incomparable Nicholas Cage.

And of course I’d donate some
To a deserving charity,
A charity that I like to call
The bank account of me.

Psych! I wouldn’t give any away
Because the money would be all mine,
And then I’d pretend to be a bum
And ask “Can you spare a dime?”

But that’s if I win the lottery,
Something that I will never do,
So this poem is pointless,
As pointless as me and you.

 

P.S. You can see me perform this week. A while back, I wrote a monologue on here about Charlie Bucket being all grown up.  I am performing that monologue on Thursday, July 30, at 7:30 P.M. at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Check it out!!

Ruffin' It

Contrary to what Florence Welch may expertly sing to you, the dog days are not over. They're here, right now. Fun Fact: They call them the dog days of summer because this is the time of the year when the movie industry annually releases a new Beethoven the dog movie. This year it's Beethoven: Paws for Laughs, wherein Beethoven tries improv comedy. It actually gets pretty good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes at 67%. It's also the time of the year when everything slows down. The hot sluggish air rolls into the area and sticks around for days, like a bad roommate. People decide to escape the madness and go on vacation. Side note: Vacations are only fun if you're on them. It's torture to have to listen to someone tell you about their vacation. Actually, the FBI uses that as an interrogation technique. It goes waterboarding, electric shock collar, white woman telling you about her cruise through the Mediterranean. But I can't say anymore about that, because if I do, I'll have to kill you. And I don't want to kill you, because I can't afford to lose the view count. See? You matter to me. 

What I'm trying to say is that it's a rough time to be working outside, because it's hot and muggy, and a rough time to be working inside, because you wish you were outside laying at the beach. Catch 22. But cheer up. These days won't last forever, you global warming fanatic. Have some faith. Fall will bring some cool temperatures, red and brown leaves, and more stable outdoor work. Stay cool out there this week. Drink water. If you're not going to the bathroom a lot, then you aren't drinking enough water. Also, you're probably not diabetic, as that is a tell tale sign. So you're healthy but too hot. Or you're hot but not too healthy. Either way, I'm going to watch the new Beethoven movie. I hear it will have you "barking with laughter."

Monoblogue

Last month, Ireland became the first nation to officially legalize gay marriage. I, for one, am shocked. Who knew that a nation full of people who believe in rainbows and little hairy men would be so progressive?

A bagel store owner in Colorado created cannabis infused smoked salmon as part of the unofficial stoner holiday of 420, giving a whole new meaning to the term "High Holidays."

A woman in Toledo, Ohio reportedly went blind after being licked by her cat, catching a bacteria known as "Cat scratch." She's told reporters that she doesn't want to talk about the incident, so I guess the cat's got her tongue, too.

Cuba was officially removed from the U.S. terror blacklist, and the U.S. plans for a full renewal of diplomatic ties. Barack Obama evens plans to make Cuba the 51st state, affectionately calling it Florida 2. 

Researchers have discovered that the whole "I'm bad with names" thing is a real condition, citing that "names are meaningless and don't establish much of a memory pathway by themselves." For more on that story, please contact... Oh crap! What's her name?... Oh. Hold on. It'll come to me. Ugh, I'm bad with names, sorry. Shit!!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will reportedly not return to reprise their starring role of Michelle in Netflix's sequel reboot of Full House, entitled Fuller House. The rest of the cast is very disappointed. When questioned, Stephanie said "How rude!" Uncle Joey said "Come on, now 'Cut them out.'" And Uncle Jesse said "Have mercy!" and launched into a guitar solo that I believe is still going on.

Robert De Niro gave the commencement speech at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts and told the recent grads "You made it - and, you're fucked." They all responded in unison "You talkin' to me?"

The Supreme Court Ruled that Facebook rants are not considered a crime, only a misdemeanor, punishable by an unfriending and a long comment about how Jesus still loves you.

Well, it's finally done. Bruce Jenner successfully transitioned into a woman and looks pretty damn good. She even has her own new reality show, appropriately called "TransJenner."

An official reported that dozens of venomous creatures washed up along the Surf City beach on Long Beach Island in early July. These creatures were identified by their scientific name: Guidos. 

The Supreme Vourt ruled in favor of Gay Marriage, in an historic landslide vote of 5-4. I say landslide, not referring to the number of supporters, but to the loudest and most flamboyant way a vote can happen. 

A 22 year old man died instantly after setting off a firework on the top of his head. Relatives said "He always knew how to light up a room." 

We're Moving Out

Char-li-hee works at the country club course

Savin’ his twenties for some day

Mama and Dada got a brand new red door

And said "Charlie move out by this Friday”

Ah but selling your house can give you

A heart attack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack

You ought-a move right now

Who needs a house out in Limerick?

It costs all of us too much money.

 

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

Charlie gets weary walking on his feet

At night he becomes an improviser

He plays with Philly performers

Down on the Sansom Street

Across from the comedy center

And he's honing all of his skills for

A funny act act act act act act

You ought-a move by now

If he can't move in with his brother

At least he can joke with performers

 

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

You should never live at home and lose your mi mi mi mi mi mind

You ought-a move by now

You can pay Uncle Sam when you have the time

It costs all of us too much money.

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

 

Look, Ma! I'm on T.V.!

I know what you are all thinking. "Gee willickers! I really want to see you on national television, Charlie." Well, fine reader, this is the week to see your wildest dreams come true. I have two chances to be on T.V. this week. That's right, two! Dos! Double trouble! 

The first is right now, depending on when you are reading this. Jimmy Kimmel does a Wall of America segment on his late night talk show, wherein he basically Skype's with "civilians," or non-celebrities. Now, I'm pretty much a real celebrity, but today, if they use it, I might be on that wall pretending to be a civilian at 11:35 pm EST on Monday, June 22nd on ABC (Check your local listings). He might talk to me. I don't know, I'm not him (but I'd like to be). Hopefully, I don't turn into the "Apparently Kid," because that would be embarrassing. But then again, it may get me on Ellen. So who knows?

The second chance comes this upcoming Sunday through next Wednesday. As we all know, I'm a caddie. This week I get to pretend that I'm a caddie on the PGA tour, as I will be working in the 48th PGA PNC, or the professional national championship. Club professionals come from all over the country come to compete for a spot on the tour. That will be on the Golf Channel. Look for me; I'll be dressed like everybody else. I'll be wearing a black bib, white shirt, and tan shorts caddying for a Mr. Hudson. I won't have any speaking lines, but I may shoot the camera a grin or a quick nod. Because the camera loves me and I love it. Let's just make sure they get my good side, the right side. That much needs to happen. After that, it's  all a toss up. Sorry, I have to go now.

Lights! Camera! Action! 

UPDATE: I will not be on TV Monday night. They decided not to use the wall. :( This is a real thing, however, and I will let you know if I am ever on it.

T.S. 1989

Let me tell you a theory that I have. I believe that one cold night in March of 1989, Mr. and Mrs. Swift lay down together in bed and declared, "Tonight, we will conceive a national treasure," at which point a hair on the back of Nicholas Cage's neck stood straight up. (As we all know, whenever you say "national treasure" nowadays, Nicholas Cage appears and tries to buy your house and turn it into an island. But back then, it wasn't even a gleam in his Moonstruck eyes.) And then the two of them made passionate, burning love. Nine months later Taylor Swift was born, and the world was irrevocably changed for the better. I don't think that anyone fully understood what was to follow in the consequent years, even when a twelve year old Taylor sang at the Philadelphia 76ers game. Today, Taylor Swift is one of the biggest artists in the world, and no one has been at a 76ers game since. 

As you may already know and probably have guessed, I attended the Saturday performance of The 1989 World Tour. It was a surreal and amazing experience, to say the least. On the way over to the stadium, I got really excited because I realized that the crowd would consist mainly of girls and young women. Ergo, the lines for the bathrooms would never be long.  And I was absolutely correct. The sound was very good at Lincoln Financial Field and completely drowned out the neighboring Barry Manilow concert at the Wells Fargo Center. (Side note: If you ever wanted to gather up all of the white people in Philly and place them in one area, then Saturday you must have been in heaven.) Anyway, the seat that I had was OK, I just wish that I had brought my binoculars. But I could see her good enough when she came out after both opening acts and welcomed us all to New York. Philadelphia is kind of her hometown, since she's originally from just outside of Reading, so she kept reminding us of that, and we kept going nuts.

Although she is beautiful, sexy, and mesmerizing inside and out, I could not stop staring at the bracelet that we all received upon entry to the concert. At first, it did nothing. Then someone somewhere pressed a button, and they all lit up, each one shining and glowing. Different sections of the stadium were different colors, creating something really nice to look at. The bracelet danced along with the music and people. I kept it, and now every time it moves, it lights up for a little bit. It made for a very psychedelic ride home from the concert. I think that when it dies, I'm just going to change the batteries. 

She sang mostly songs from the album 1989, but didn't hesitate to throw Love Story in there, the one about the original lonely star-crossed lovers, not Blank Space, which is clearly about two Starbucks lovers. This is something different. There were surprises, like Rachel Platten, and guests, like Mariska Hargitay. Overall, it was very expensive, but very worth it. I enjoyed seeing her in person and not with all of those awards in her hands on TV. She's the correct amount of humble, and it clearly shows through her messages and beliefs. I'm very glad that I went. On the way out of the stadium complex, I saw a billboard that said that Shania Twain would be at the Wells Fargo Center in July. I said "So she's coming here? That don't impress me much."

Maybe You Did, Maybe You Didn't

If you're like me, then you spent the entire weekend watching improv duos be funny. But you're probably not like me, and so you didn't do that. Instead, maybe you watched the ponies race on Saturday and saw American Pharaoh win the triple crown. But, then again, maybe you didn't do that either. Did you caddy at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning? Of course not. You have dignity. Maybe you watched the Tony Awards and marveled at the talents of very artistic people. Or maybe you just watched reruns of the TV show Friends, by turning to literally any channel at any time of the day. The point is that I don't know what you did. All I know is that I ate Chipotle twice this weekend and I am still feeling that high. What do they do to their chicken? It's chicken wizardry I tell you! By the way, chicken wizardry is the name of my improv duo that I started, where I'm on stage with a live chicken and we improvise deleted scenes from the Harry Potter movies. It's real experimental stuff. You probably wouldn't get it. But then again, maybe you would. 

Another One Drives the Bus

Something scary happened to me today. I was on the bus coming back from Philadelphia because I'm so worldly, and I was reading my book. That's not the scary part. Anyway, I wasn't paying attention (because I don't make eye contact on bus rides), when people started to yell up to the bus driver. I started paying attention and realized that we were pulling into the entrance of GlaxoSmithKline. I thought, "Wow, this is really good service," until it became apparent that we were just making a U-turn. "This guy's an idiot," I thought to myself. The bus patrons (can I call them that?) then proceeded to direct this guy from GSK to our final destination. He had absolutely no clue how to navigate the route that we were on. I said "What is this, Uber?" It must have been his first day on the job. Or maybe they switched his route with someone else. I don't know; I don't run SEPTA. That was crazy. My life's pretty crazy. How's yours?

Unforseen Circumsatances

Everything changes at some point. I hate change, unless it's the money kind. I love that change. What I'm talking about is all of those little stupid things that we do every day that we think are set in stone. "I have to go to work." "I have to make dinner." "I have to take the trash out for a walk and throw out the dog." You need to be prepared for change. Now, I'm not saying you should go all "Doomsday Prepper" on your family and friends, saying things like "We need water and supplies for when things change," and "That knife's not big enough for the two us when things change." That's weird. I mean the little things. I believe it was the Brady Bunch who's said it best when they said that "something suddenly came up." Yes, I'm talking about the things that suddenly come up, a term I'll be referring to as a "life boner" from here on out. The unexpected bloopers of life. You know, those unforseen circumsatances. 

There are two types of people in this world. People who are wondering why I've spelled the two aforementioned words wrong (but spelled 'aforementioned' correctly), and people who are drunk from playing the People Say I'm Funny Typo Drinking Game (see below) while reading this blog. If you're of the former group, I'll tell you why I'm spelling those two words wrong. If you're of the latter group, go see a doctor, you may have alcohol poisoning. 

The words come with a story, a real life boner of a story. As we all know, I've been looking for a job. To apply for jobs, you need a résumé and a cover letter. I have both (barely) and was told to make them in Adobe Indesign by my friend because you can format things easier. That's fine, but Indesign doesn't have spell checker. Autocorrect wants nothing more than to change what I've just written. Microsoft Word wants to do it too. Indesign was like "Go f@$# you'reself!" See, my résumé is fine but my cover letter, sent out to tens of different companies, contained the words unforseen circumsatances instead of unforeseen circumstances. No wonder jobs don't want me! 

What a life boner, huh? That was there the whole time, and I didn't notice. What am I, an idiot? I think people would laugh when they read my cover letter, you know, for longer than normal because of the typos. Imagine the possiblities (also written in my cover letter, as opposed to possibilities) if it was spelled correctly. What do you do when you see something like this? It's a little, tiny, small problem that needs fixing. You have to fix it. I've since fixed it, and it doesn't seem to have any effect. See what I mean? Typo or no typo, that is the question. But I guess I'll just persevere. Because as the old saying goes, when life hands you boners, you make bonerade. (Bonerade is the name of the all female improv group that I'm coaching.)

That's the saying, right? I think it is. I hope you had a happy Memorial Day. It's the unofficial start of summer. Ah, the summertime, when I just want to sit in a park and levitate a rock. That's what the summer makes me think of. I hope you got to relax a little. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Have a great week!

 

People Say I'm Funny Typo Drinking Game Rules

1. Take a shot every time there is a typo.

2. If two typos appear one right after the other, take two shots  and shotgun a beer.

3. If more than five typos appear in a single post, let me know so I can fix them.

Drink Responsibly.