Success!

"Success. How do we even define success? Cause it's different to different people. Success can be money, love, happiness, or having your name embroidered on every towel you own.​ But how do we get success? No, you don't buy it at the Apple Store, you develop it through hard work and sexual favors. Now, you might be asking me, 'Charlie, do you consider this blog successful?' And I might be saying, 'Sure, ever since I found out that other people read it besides my mom.' Success is funny like that. I have found that everyone tells you a different story of it, and each one is a learning experience. Success."

"I'm sorry, Charlie. That's incorrect. It's S-U-C-C-E-S-S. Please be seated."

And that's how I lost the spelling bee.

And The Candy Crush Saga Beigns

​I have two questions: What the hell is Candy Crush Saga and why am I so addicted to it? I found out about this stupid game a week ago and already I've developed a sweet tooth for it. For those who don't know, its a game on Facebook, kind of like Farmville, if Farmville had nothing to do with animals and everything to do with matching like candies together. It's essentially just matching combinations of different candy-looking colored pieces together to make bigger shapes and clear away jelly squares or move big pieces of food to the bottom of the board. When three or more candies are match in a row, they collapse, leaving a cavity, only to be filled with new candy (which I call 'a dentist's nightmare'). The levels are challenging and colorful. And since it's a Facebook game, you can invite all of your so-called friends to help you out and allow you to move to the next level. I have friends I don't know asking for help. I mean, you gotta sweeten the deal first before I go helping you willy nilly. You know, when I first heard of the game Candy Crush Saga, I thought we had to crush the spirit of strippers named Candy, which is a game that I would also play, if Facebook wanted to make it (your move, Zuckerberg).

Coffee Talk

Have you ever been to Starbucks? When I go, I usually feel like I'm ordering a tall glass of hipster. Just kidding, I get the venti. But seriously, Starbucks is more than a CD store. It's a fun place to hang out and look pretentious. And use the bathroom. I look pretentious all the time wherever I go, but at Starbucks, you know you fit in. And I don't drink coffee, which almost renders this whole post moot, or blank, I'm unsure of how that works with you reading this. I bet you never thought you would find talk about Starbucks on here. Boy, it just goes to show you that there is a Starbucks on every corner of the internet, just like every city. 

Biblichal Chebrew

I once took an Introduction to Biblical Hebrew class, and not to stereotype anyone, but most of the class was, as you may have already figured out..............Asian. Is that right? Are there a lot of Asian Jews I don't know about? It doesn't make sense to me. Wait a minute! Is that why we go out to eat Chinese food on Christmas? We're all Jewish? Now, I was told that they were taking it for the study of linguistics. Here's the thing. It's Biblical Hebrew. This is the kind of thing you take Latin or Russian for.  Not Biblical Hebrew  When will they use it? History class? Ethics? The dry cleaners? And the funniest thing is to hear them try to make the guttural Hebrew sounds, like in challah, Chanukah, or Chonshu, Japan. And maybe the thing that gets me the most is that the students who taught the class acted like it was normal. It's not normal. The class should have been mostly Jewish, or Italian, I've heard they're similar. Anyway, look at me kvetching like a gefilte fish on a plate of fried rice. I apologize and have a good week. 

My Favorite Drug

My favorite drug "store" is Bed, Bath Salts, and Beyond.​ My favorite drug "band" is the Doobie Brothers or Bob Marley. My favorite drug "character" is the vein heroin in every story. My favorite drug "flaw in a material or object" is a crack. My favorite drug "rate of change for an object" is speed. My favorite drug "school subject" is meth. My favorite drug "blog" is People Say I'm High or HelloGiggles. My favorite drug "TV show" is Breaking Bad.

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As Funny As It Always Isn't

I'm a huge fan of the English language. You know, similes, metaphors, and hyperboles. Cause similes are like dew on a summer morning... Like a newly hatched butterfly... Or as refreshing as a pornstar with approving parents. And metaphors are like a city built out of love... Like an ocean of gold... Or as cool as a polar bear wearing a leather jacket on a sea of ice. And hyperboles are worth more than life itself...well, maybe that's an exaggeration.

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Invisaline We Trust

Why is it that devout Christians have perfect teeth? I thought Jesus didn't care how people looked but apparently he got the top ten percent of his followers braces. And is that why they have blind faith? They've been staring into each other’s teeth for too long like Galileo looking at the sun. I'm just picturing everybody as Jim Carrey from the mask. And, I know Christianity is supposed to complete you, fill all your empty holes through spirituality, but I didn't know it meant cavities as well. And I know religion is supposed to keep you on the straight and narrow path in life, but does that go for your teeth too? Now I'm picturing little metal crosses linked side by side across people's teeth. Is that right? I'd like to think it is. 

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Factory Jobs

Did I ever tell you about the time that I worked in a mirror factory? No? Oh, well I worked in a mirror factory for a while, but then I left because the work wasn’t an appropriate reflection of my abilities. Yeah, I just couldn’t see myself working there anymore. It’s no big deal, please don’t call me vain. I left to pursue other opportunities.

Did I ever tell you about the time that I worked in a pun factory? No? Oh, well I worked in a pun factory one summer to earn some disposable income. On inspection day, they selected my ten best puns and judged them on quality. Did any of them make the cut? No pun in ten did. It was a “pun”ful experience.

That's Where I Know Them From....

If you're like me, you know who every actor is in what you are watching. But, alas, not everyone is like me. So, luckily enough for you, I will enlighten you on who the actor is and where you may know them from.

Jack Nicholson: You probably know him from The Shining, but he's more famous for Mars Attacks!.

Jennifer Lawrence: You probably know her from X-Men: First Class, but she's more famous for The Beaver.

Leonardo DiCaprio: You probably know him from Critters 3, but he's more famous for The Basketball Diaries. 

Halle Berry: You probably know her from New Year's Eve, but she's more famous for The Flintstones.  

Liam Neeson: You probably know him from Schindler's List, but he's more famous for Battleship. 

Emma Stone: You probably know her from Superbad, but she's more famous for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.