Dressed to Chill

I have to admit that I buy clothing based on two things: price and comfort. However, I shop for clothing at Wal-Mart and Target, so I guess I'm actually just worried about comfort. Comfort for me and comfort for you, so you are not made uncomfortable by staring at me naked. And so I would like to say that my style is unique. In high school, I wore sweatpants every day with a long sleeve shirt. It didn't always match, but at least I was comfortable. However, people in my school were so eager to point that out to me. I heard "Charlie your clothes clash" and "why do you always wear sweatpants?" And that was just the teachers. My friends noticed my clothes too. Now I wear khakis and long sleeve shirts. I know everyone wears jeans but they aren't comfortable for me. In fact I have sort of a “No Denim Allowed” policy (sorry Jay Leno!) Now I know nothing about fashion (remember I shop at Wal-Mart and Target), so don't bother me about it. It's not like I only wear one color, let's call it red. Came you imagine how lame that would be? Only wearing red, what a loser!

Update!!

So, I recently talked to the people who say I'm funny. They still say that, but they also have some other views. I agree with them on the next few things. They say that this blog is corny, stupid, script-like, better if it was said aloud by me, and monotone. The monotone is more about me in person, rather than the writing. So, in order to make things a little better, I will be making video segments, and showing them here. I don't know when or how many, but they will start to show up in the next few weeks. I'm taking this blog to the next level by changing the b in blog to a v. Now its also a vlog. This is something to look forward to and to look out for if I am as funny as people say I am.

Rolling Up Squad Deep


They say 2011 was the year of Adele, with her clean sweep of the Grammy’s in February. That’s funny, I thought it was the year of the Rabbit. And who is they? The people who say I’m funny? Because they weren’t right about that. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are right about this one. So, in a tribute to Adele, I will share my parody of Rolling In The Deep, which I call Rolling Up Squad Deep. Squad deep, as defined by the urban dictionary, means “Bringin’ ya whole crew.’ Just thought I’d let you know. 

There's a spark starting in my car
Reaching all cylinders, and it's making the engine start
Finally I can shift it into gear
Roll away and pull out while looking out the rear
See how I leave with every friend I have
Don't underestimate how well we all behave

There's a spark starting in my car
Reaching all cylinders
And it's making the engine start

The empty cars on the road all pass us
They keep me thinking of how the car is very full
The empty cars on the road leave us in the dust
I can't help feeling
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
(someone’s gonna crash, rolling up squad deep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(I’m gonna have an accident)
And I drove it down the street
(police are gonna see, rolling up squad deep)

Oh no, I have no room to move at all
I barely have a view
And I'm trying to make a turn
We drive around trying to get who knows where
Watching the gas go down
As my wallet will not be spared

The empty cars on the road all pass us
They keep me thinking of how the car is very full
The empty cars on the road leave us in the dust
I can't help feeling
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
(someone’s gonna crash, rolling up squad deep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(I’m gonna have an accident)
And I drove it down the street
(police are gonna see, rolling up squad deep)
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
I stuffed my friends inside my car
And we’ve used up all the seating

We speed on through every green light
The good news is it’s 11:59 at night
I turned the car and we all started to roll
People in back went flying and to where I just don’t know

(I’m gonna have an accident)
We all started to fall
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)
We all started to fall
(You're gonna wish we had hit a tree)
And fall, and fall, and fall
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)

My car is way too full
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
Rolling up squad deep
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
And there are no empty seats
(Tires and gonna blow, screeching in the street)

My car is way too full
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
Rolling up squad deep
(Tires and gonna stall, rolling in the street)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
And we drove it
we drove it
we drove it
we drove it down the street

Also, stay tuned for an update on Thursday. :)

Double Trouble?


I have a twin brother who looks just like me (although I don't really see it!). However, we are in fact fraternal, meaning two separate seeds, two separate eggs, as opposed to a one seed, one egg freak-of-nature split (yeah I’m talking to you identical twins). In the deluxe version if this post, I have included the placenta report in an attempt to shut up the skeptics (there is no deluxe version, just take my word for it).

Let’s clear up some of the common misconceptions that have emerged over the years. Neither one of us is openly the evil twin. Get that through your head, OR ELSE!! I don't think we can communicate by thought, can we? (Hey stop thinking so loud, I'm trying to write.) If we could, I would know about it already. If you hit me, my brother doesn't feel it. You can punch me in the face until you and I are both red in the face (I'll be more of a blackish-blue red), but I can guarantee you that the only person feeling it will be me. And your hand.  Not my brother. Also, if you could refrain from looking at us as though we have two heads, I would appreciate it. I guess that’s two heads each totaling four, because we do have two heads but that's between the two of us. So that's the correct head to body ratio. You get what I'm saying. Now there's the grandest question of them all: "Who is smarter between the two of you?” Depending on which one of us you ask, you will get a different answer. I mean, we will both say I am, it's just a question of how much smarter we each think I am. I'll say a lot and he'll say a little. But I don't know if there is time to get into that debate now. So if we stand next to each other, side by side, then you will notice differences. It might take you a while to get the hang of it, that's ok. My family has been doing it for 20 years now and collectively they are scoring a B plus. So you know how difficult it is. But with a positive attitude and a mnemonic device you should be fine. It used to be said that I wore red and he wore blue, but that is about as reliable as picking the correct lottery numbers (of course I'm talking about the pick 3!). Whatever you decide, just remember, I'm not him, and he's not me. You are you, though. Now I didn't want to do this, but I'm going to give you my secret to telling us apart. I look at myself in the mirror and say “That's Charlie.” Then I flex and look for my muscles. But they hibernate for the better part of the year, so I usually don't see them. Well, now you know all you need to. No more confusion.

There's a poll in the top right corner.

Watching TV (Sport or Hobby?)


I consider it a non-contact sport. But how about you? How many TV shows do you watch? Enough to get you through the week, I bet. But how many is too many? 10+, 20+, 30+? I have to admit that I watch somewhere in the 30+ range of shows. I'm not going to list them all, as that might take forever. What I will do is talk about a select few.

Let's start with The Big Bang Theory: Who knew nerds could be so popular? These quirky (quarky?) guys make every Thursday better. They also may have boosted TBS's ratings when they entered syndication. After all, Conan can't do it alone. But what I want to talk about is how the episode names are formed for The Big Bang Theory. It follows a formula; start with The followed by 2-4 blanks. Then take some big words and throw them together. Here are a few examples I came up with (with a one sentence episode synopsis)
The Laceration Assumption - Sheldon gets a paper cut and assumes the world is out to get him.
The Intervention Conversation - Raj starts binge drinking to talk to and meet women and the guys don't like it.
The Cosmology Apology - Leonard and Penny bicker over whose world view is correct.
The Probability Approximation - Sheldon takes to gambling and insists that he knows what he is doing.

Now for some Two and a Half Men: I don’t know why they got rid of Charlie Sheen. They could have used his new persona. In my version of the show, Charlie gets abducted by aliens and has amnesia. So he moves in next door and thinks that he is a bitchin’ rock star from Mars who kills tigers for a living. Problem solved.

Here’s How I Met Your Mother: Why are they using Bob Saget for the voice of Ted Mosby? That doesn’t fit well. You know who would have been good? Morgan Freeman (think about it).

General summary of a House episode: Person feints, gets to hospital, pre-diagnosis suggests Sarcoidosis, we find out that is wrong, House bets someone $100, halfway through the episode the patient begins to bleed from somewhere, teammates bicker, patient put on steroids, House wins the bet, House has a “Brain Blast” like Jimmy Neutron, person had a splinter in their leg.

And a little fun fact: If I were to watch The Voice tonight, I would miss 5 shows in the process.
Happy Watching!


I Got Nothing!

I have decided to take this week off. I feel as though everyone is entitled to a break. 52 posts a year may get boring, annoying, dreadfully unfunny, and/or tiresome. You understand, right? Also, feel free to give me feedback and ask me questions under this post. So,to recap, I'm not trying to be funny this week (Why start now?). Next week will be new. Ok.

Blogging: Part 1


Have you been caught blogging yet? My friend walked in on me as I was writing this one out, and I am embarrassed. I was trying to get to my special place, really get the ideas flowing, and then boom, (goes the dynamite) I had to stop. My mind went bone dry. My ideas stopped coming out. I haven't looked him in the face since. To think that he caught me blogging. Such a traumatic experience, to say the least. My literary pen is dried out, for now. I'll be back next week with fresh material and new ideas. I will also have people knock and change the locks for my doors. Sorry, I have to get off now. See you next week.

Miscellaneous Chazarai


My sole purpose here is to ramble. If you don't want to ride this train of thought, get off and catch the next one. It will be here next Monday. Ok, I hear something. Chuga, chuga, choo-choo. The train has started. Next stop: I'll tell you when we get there. Now, the title is pronounced Hhhhha-za-rye. It's Yiddish. If you don't know what Yiddish is, it's a language that Jewish parents invented so that kids couldn't understand what they were saying. Chazarai means something rotten or junk. I had to look it up, as I myself don't know Yiddish. This post isn't junk or rotten; maybe it is, you be the judge. It doesn't smell bad. All I know is I don't know where I am going with this. Miscellaneous means random. Random junk. Kind of sounds like an attic or maybe a basement storage room.  That's where people keep all of their non-valuable valuables. What do you keep in an attic or basement? Take the poll up to the right. Seriously, do it. Switching to the other definition, random rotten stuff makes me think of a garbage can. That's disgusting. This post is neither of those things. I guess what I'm trying to say is life is random rotten junk. Hmmm... I... seem to have lost my, my... train of thought. Eh, the good news is I got off of the train 5 minutes ago. Did I forget to tell you to get off at your stop? Oh sorry, we past it already. Alright, get off here and walk back. Sorry. Hey, you are actually going to pass a water fountain called my stream of consciousness. You don't want to stop and look at that do you? Probably not. This has been painful enough.

Acting the Fool!


I bet you are asking yourself, ‘Hey, did Charlie ever act in a play?’ Why are you asking yourself? You need to ask me instead. In any case, yes I have. It was brief, it was years ago, but it was my big break. I played the Three of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Were there scouts for Broadway there? No. Did I give one hell of a performance? No. I had like three scenes and some group lines. You couldn't even tell if I was speaking or not. I had to stand there and look tough, which I have always had trouble doing. I was a backup actor in a community theater. This is the big time, I thought.  Did I mention the whole cast hated me? Good times, good times. But nonetheless, my parents, friends, and community members came out to see me (and probably the stars of the show) perform, me all decked out in playing card attire. ‘He's such a card, that Charlie,’ is what I would imagine they were saying. I don't know, the lights on stage were too bright. I couldn't see anything. Did I have fun? Yeah, about as much fun as an attendee at the Mad Hatter’s tea party. CHANGE PLACES!! I felt like a small Alice in a big pond. Everybody kept asking me ‘Who are you?’ I told them Charlie, but they laughed and walked away. I didn't get it and thought they were being disrespectful. Did I learn anything? Yes, I learned that you can’t walk on to an established cast and expect to fit into their cliquish ensemble. I didn't get their inside jokes; I think some were about me. Maybe I'm paranoid. There was also talk that I stole the show. I told them I was only borrowing it, but they didn't believe me. Yeah sure blame the new guy. I think that whole drama also added insult to injury. All in all, I decided not to pursue acting any further. It was a good experience. I feel that everyone should experience the theatre in some form or another. I mean, I can't act like I didn't enjoy it a little. On second thought, yes I can. It was terrible.

It's a New Year!


Happy New Year!! It's finally 2012! This year I have some New Year’s resolutions that I plan on sticking to for as long I can (any bets on how long that will be?). I will give it the old college try. And just what are these New Year’s resolutions? Here’s the list.

1. Work Out
2. Acquire income (get paid)
3. Sleep
4. Assure myself that the Mayans are wrong
5. Stock up on end of the world supplies, just in case the Mayans are not wrong (scary thought)
6. Live fully
7. Work hard, party just as hard if not harder
8. Vote for a president who doesn't sound crazy (so no republicans!)
9. Try new foods (maybe?)
10. Write better blog posts (definitely!)

So, I will try my best and talk to you next week. I must get started now, I only have a year to do these things. On a side note, there's a poll in the top right corner that you can answer. Have a good first week of 2012.