Where's the Receipt?


How was Christmas? I don't want to make you sad, but it's over. Did you get anything good?  I feel like you're saying ‘yes’, but with a hint of ‘no’. It's kind of like those tortilla chips with lime; it doesn't look like the lime is there, but it's there. And similarly, I don't hear it in your tone, but the ‘no’ is there. So what will you do with the gifts you don't like? Today, tomorrow, this week sometime, you will have to return them. Now I know what you're saying. You don't want to deal with customer service. It'll be ok. Tell 'em Charlie sent you. They won't understand what you mean, but you'll smile. Now, we get to the question of the day. Where's the receipt? I don't know. I got lucky this year. I don't feel like returning cash or gift cards. But what about what you got? Socks, a sweater, High School Musical 3 on DVD, it all must go back. Does Target do refunds? Kohl's? Wherever you go you may need the receipt. So how do you get it? You could ask the person for it, if you never plan on speaking to them again. You could look for it, if you want to be nosy and never plan on speaking to the person again. Whatever you decide, you may lose a friend or a relative. Or, you can ask them and they might surprise you and only be slightly offended. I wish you the best of luck. It's a touchy subject. Could go either way. And then I'll say 'ya win some, ya lose some', depending on the outcome. (unintentional rhyme) Well, have a good time at the store, and if I don't talk to you beforehand, Happy New Year!! It will be 2012 on Sunday, just like Mayans predicted. Happy Holidays, and I’ll see you at the beginning of the calendar.

Christmas?


The holiday season is in full swing. Only 5 shopping days left until Christmas (1 until Hanukkah). So I'm just wishing everybody a pleasant last minute shopping and an even more pleasant holiday.
A lot of you may be wondering “Charlie, you keep mentioning Hanukkah (and you even spell it correctly!) Are you Jewish?” Yes I am. It's so great that I know what you are thinking and I can answer you right away. I love that.
That answers one question but it might bring up another. “What do you do on Christmas, Charlie?” Do you really want to know? Ok, don't twist my arm, I'll tell you.
The night before, I leave out cookies for Santa, just in case he stops by my Hanukkah bush. Then, it's Christmas morning. I wake up, run to window, and pretend that I'm looking at the ground covered in snow (just once I would like a white Christmas). The clock reads 11:30am. I run downstairs, only to find no tree and no presents. “The Grinch got us again,” I remark. I eat lunch. I go on Facebook and read all of the Merry Christmas posts. They are so generic and boring. Then, I loaf around until dinner, for tonight we dine...at a Chinese restaurant. Six o’ clock dinner at a Chinese restaurant with the family; it doesn't get much better than that. All of the soup and rice, mmmm good. Then, it’s time to head home and wind down. I catch the end of a Christmas story on TBS, and wonder when it will be on again. As I fall asleep at night, I turn the radio on, knowing full well that all of the Christmas songs are going to be gone when I wake up. Then, and only then, can we fully prepare for New Years. It's an exciting day, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, unless you offer me a good price. Just kidding, no trades. So Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

Cheese is Gross


I am going to be frank for a second. I don't like cheese. There, I said it. Right now you're saying "What?!!!!" and that's been the normal response, until I talked to this one guy. His response has been the best so far. Here's the dialogue we had:

Me: I don't like cheese.
Guy: You don't like cheese? What?!!
Me: I just don't like it.
Guy: You don't put cheese on a sandwich?
Me: Nope. Turkey with Ketchup. (Hey we all have our problems!) I suppose now you'll ask what I do about pizza.
Guy: You don't eat pizza?
Me: No I eat pizza.
Guy: Oh, but does it taste good? (Guy thinks I eat it with cheese on it)
Me: Yeah I get it without cheese.
Guy: What? No single place will ever make you a no cheese pizza. (Ok you're an idiot)
Me: Uh yes they will.
Idiot: I have never seen that. Have you told your parents about this?
Me: No, I'm looking for the right way to come out of the closet about cheese. (Alright you are officially a moron) They are actually very supportive. I’m pretty sure its hereditary.
Moron: I can’t talk to you anymore. It’s too weird.
Me: Don't worry; the feeling is mutual.

I'm Gouda be Brie for a second. I don't like cheese. I'm not a Muenster. Don't sit there and try to Teleme that if I try it I'll like it. You can say what Chimay, I won't try it.  Don't call me unAmerican, just leave me Provolone about it. I Livno lies and I refuse to change. (I'm going to stop; This is starting to sound cheesy.)

It's Like I Always Say...


Here are sayings that I say (some out loud, some in my head) with added commentary. Say what you will about them. I'm not going to care, just saying.

Laughter is the best medicine (it's free and you don't have to stand in line to get it, you just have to keep reading)

Even a broken clock is right two times a day (I mean, I assume so, my digital clocks haven't broken yet, but when they do, it'll be five o'clock somewhere)

It's better to be lucky than good (and vice versa, so on and so forth)

A penny saved is a penny earned (more appropriately for me, a penny found is a penny earned)

All day, erryday (I'm told the "y" is optional, can someone verify this?)

Life's like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get (an easy fix to this is to only buy boxes of chocolate in which you know what's inside)

A watched pot never boils (technically yes it does, it takes a while; the message here is to set something up to boil and forget about it)

Forgive and forget (you're going to have to forgive me; I forgot why I wrote this one down... And I think I have water boiling...)

It is better to be safe than sorry (I checked, there was no water boiling!)

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration (this must be why I sweat a lot)

Eat a slice of humble pie (No, I don't want to... You can't make me... Noooo, "gulp!” that was good pie; I don't think I could make it as well as you)

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em (Where do I sign up? I'm not as good as they are, but I'll try my best)

Crime doesn't pay (well it depends on how much you get, and I could probably get a lot…yes, the humble pie just wore off)

When life hands you lemons make lemonade (or lemon meringue pie, or lemon sherbet, something with lemons, or just eat them raw like I do)

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today (but tomorrow looks so promising)

What goes up must come down (great now I've got the song Lighters stuck in my head)

I know some of these weren't great but you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs (I don't really care for eggs; it's just a saying).

For All of These Leftovers

Happy Cyber Monday!!! What did you buy? Anything good? I did some 10 o'clock Thanksgiving Day Walmart shopping (pre-Black Friday). If there's one thing I always say, it's I love the crowd of people that Walmart attracts. It is too bad that dentists don't offer Black Friday deals; set up an office in Walmart and they could make a fortune.

Now that the effect of Thanksgiving has worn off, I bet you're realizing something: there are a lot of leftovers. They come in all forms: food, clothes left at your house from Thanksgiving, people still at your house from Thanksgiving. Anything that was brought over for Thanksgiving and is still there now counts: ANYTHING! So the question is, what do we do with all of the leftovers? The American thing to do would be to eat it all, become obese, and contract diabetes. But what would the right thing to do be? Obviously, not to eat the leftover people. That's canabalism. Instead, I would eat one meal of leftovers, and then give away the rest of it. Nothing says happy December to your neighbor like a half eaten apple pie and a drunk guy you found passed out on your couch. It might, I don't know your neighbors, but it general, it doesn't. It is a better idea to clean up and organize things. So I gave you a checklist before Thanksgiving, and here's one for after Thanksgiving.

1. Turn off all lights not being used that somehow got turned on by your relatives
2. Wash the dishes (I know, gross, right?)
3. Clean the house
4. Put the valuables back on display
5. Take out the trash (or if you have kids, make them do it)
6. Wrap your Black Friday presents, unless you bought something for yourself, in which case you shouldn't wrap it, that would take the fun out of opening it (no surprise)
7. Relax, it was a successful holiday, except for the kids' concussions and bloody noses (who knew eating dinner was so dangerous?)

So, what's left? I guess not too much. The work week started again. You probably have stuff to do, but don't forget that holidays are important times for family and friends. And finally, we can focus on Christmas (and Hanukkah and Kwanza) in peace, without Thanksgiving getting in our way. Have a good holiday season.

Thanks A Lot...


As we all know, Thursday is the day when your family comes over and takes your kitchen apart. I'm sorry, I meant to say it’s Thanksgiving, a time when we are thankful that the pilgrims ate stuffing and watched football.  It's also a time for reflecting on what's good in your life. That is the main goal. But don't forget to eat until you hate yourself!

How many times do you say thank you each day? If it's not a lot, you're doing it wrong (should be around 15). We should all be thankful for whatever we have that has made us happy, energized, excited, or just filled with us glee (except for the show Glee, which no one is thankful for).  I challenge you to go around and count the number of times you say thank you this week.  This will do two things: one, it will annoy you, and two, it will make you appreciate the word. I do this, and you know what is fun? When I'm not really listening as I talk to someone, and I end up subconsciously responding to what they say. They'll say "Thank you" and I'll say "Thanks you too." Awkward thank yous rule!! Seriously though, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and we need to prepare.

Here's a checklist:
1. Clean your house
2. Buy a turkey
3. Cook the turkey
4. Tell relatives to each bring something different (we don't need ten pies)
5. Hide valuables
6. Eat at 4:30
7. Watch football like you know what's going on
8. Kick everyone out at 8:00
9. Go shopping at Walmart at midnight
Follow these guidelines, and it should be a pleasant Thanksgiving.

Alright, let's talk Turkese. Gobble gobble, gobble, gobble gobble gobble..... Oh crap you probably don't speak Turkese.  I used Rosetta Stone. Cost me an arm and leg (of turkey!). My bad, I’ll translate. I think l said "Dark meat is where it's at." The gobble is hard to conjugate and it gets tricky when you talk to Tom Turkeys. I caught one turkey watching me as I learned. He was a peeping Tom Turkey. (ba dump, tsssss)

Let me get to the meat of what I'm trying to say. Thanksgiving is a precious time to be with family and celebrate what you are thankful for. It doesn't have to be anything big; remember, size doesn't matter. What's that? Size does matter? Oh sorry, you want to see a list of what I'm thankful for. Ok.

I'm Thankful For:
1. My friends, real and imaginary
2. My family, real and imaginary
3. My career choices
4. My money; it can't buy me happiness, but it can sure as hell try
5. TV shows, without which, I do not believe I could waste time effectively
6. Thanksgiving food, 'nough said
7. The kid’s room (kitchen), adult’s room (dining room), and lazy adult’s room (living room)
8. Giant silverfish, and the respect that comes with catching them and moving them to outside; they don't call me the Bugmeister for nothing...
9. Watching what I eat....  for that brief second before I put it in mouth and chew it up
10. Black Friday and Cyber Monday - see #4
11. The upcoming Christmas (and Hanukkah and Kwanza) season, because it's the season of giving (I’m not much of a giver, but I will gladly take others giving’s)
12. And finally.... you the reader, without you these are just words on a page, you give them meaning, thanks!!

So, in conclusion, Thanksgiving is a time to just hang out, relax, and eat with family and friends. It's also a time to watch parades, a football game, and any specials on TV at night (this Thanksgiving, it’s a Lady Gaga special. It might be cool to see her dressed as the insides of a turkey, or a pilgrim, or stuffing, I’m sure we'll see something new; as a suggestion, I would eat beforehand.

Well, that about wraps things up. Have a good week and Happy Thanksgiving!!

One-Liners?

So, I don't have much for this week. Instead, enjoy these short jokes I wrote. I am here to prove that one-liners aren't out of style. (Actually, I'm looking at these and some are more than one line. Just go with it, I'm sorry for the confusion.)


Will kids in the future have imaginary Facebook friends?
Why is Facebook on every handheld device? It's more like "in your face"book.
Is it alright to laugh at someone for saying they want to be a comedian?
My interpretation and argument class was C is for Cookies: Every time I left I was hungry and confused.
I tried to read Braille the other day but I couldn't read it. I think the word was misspelled.
I got to college and found out that a Frisbee can be thrown with two fingers. One word: INCEPTION!

This isn't too good, I know, I'm the one who wrote it. But didn't it at least make you  smile. I feel like we all need a pick me up after our wishes from Friday didnt come true. Anyway, enjoy your week and see you next Monday.





The Ethics of Erasism

I enjoy buying stationery. It is an exhilarating feeling. The smell of a new pencil, the feel of new eraser, a new pad of paper (and its history from beloved tree to trash can filler). Recently though, I realized that I only had white erasers. This was a quick fix; I needed to diversify my eraser collection. So, I said "hey, I'm not an erasist," and I bought a black one. But the idea of buying something that was black made me wonder if I really was an erasist. I fixed this problem simply by buying a new white one. Two wrongs don't make a right, but my papers have never looked cleaner. You see the ethical dilemma here, though. This high polymer hiccup set me back aways in my internal ethical debate. I was filled with questions. How much Erasism is too much erasism? How many different color erasers will I need to buy in order to soothe my aching conscience? What does high quality plastic really mean? These are the topical questions at hand, and I will attempt to answer them in order to achieve appropriate ethical conclusions.

Open Letter to Facebook Chat


Ok, Chat sidebar, look, we need to talk. It's not that I don't like you, but you need to change back to the way you were. This notification/news feed thing you have going on is full of crap I don't care about (also it raises questions like “How many Facebook animal games are there?” and “Why are you telling me that someone whom I barely know is friends with someone whom I don’t know?”). Do i really need to know who is listening to what on Spotify? Oh and i see someone changed their facebook picture. I would have noticed this anyway, as i stalk all of my facebook freinds everyday, but thanks for giving me the heads up. And now I can't see if my friends are online without typing their names in. This is especially hard for me to do since I am lazy. I miss you telling me how many friends are online (I had to laugh at Chat 22 or Chat 69!). Now I can't do that. I can if i click Hide Sidebar, but then you pop up again unchanged. So, I think I speak for everyone when I say change back to the lovable, minimized Chat # bar you were, the one where I could go offline if someone who I didn’t want to talk to was online. I can still do that now but i am referring to the sentimentality of the old you. Thank you.

Introduction to Blogging

Some of you may be against blogging. I'm here to set the record straight. Blogging is a perfectly natural thing to do. We all can't have human interaction in order to release our tensions, so blogging is a safe and productive way to get messages across. No, your hand won't fall off because you type real fast. No, you are not going to Hell because you blog in private, four, five times a day. No, you won't go blind because you blog. There is nothing abnormal about blogging. It all boils down to the fact that sometimes, as humans, we have urges to say different things. So we get excited and are filled with emotions that are just waiting for the right time to burst out. That time may be when they are on the tip of your tongue, or when your are in a private place, like your bedroom. I can't tell you when, I am not you. Anyway, to make a long story short, release your emotions safely and productively through blogging. Also, keep in mind that blogging is much more fun with a partner.