Win, Place, Show

Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again; Cloud computing is the way to go! What am I talking about? The horse, of course. This Saturday was the ever popular Preakness Stakes, the second leg of the Triple Crown. (by the way, my improv team Second Leg is performing at the Triple Crown on 7th Avenue on Friday in what can only be referred to as "A competition improv show.") If you were tired of the horse stuff two weeks ago, I don't know why you came back. It'll be more of the same.

Well, not exactly. This week, let's look at only the top three. What happened is considered to be a major upset, like that time David beat Goliath. You see, Always Dreaming was asleep at the wheel and Classic Empire was all set to reign (wordplay!) when out of nowhere, maybe the clouds, Cloud Computing was like "Let me hack this race." And what a hack-a-thon it was. He tore up the last few furlongs like Jack the "furlong' Ripper. Everything fell into place, well, really only Classic Empire, who came in second. 

Senior Investment came out of nowhere, much like many senior investments do, and really put on a show, meaning he came in third. Senior Investment comes from old money, I'm guessing, and so it's easy to imagine why people would buy into him so much. All I can say is that most of my investments will happen when I'm senior aged, because I have no money now. But I'll have money later, or so they tell me.

Anyway, I'll be going now. It's late, your eyes are tired from my terrible color background, and nothing good can come from reading this much longer. Catch ya next week!

Reply All

Today is one of those days, trust me. It's a Monday, and I feel about this Monday the way Garfield feels about all Mondays; I hate it. I'm just extra tired today from being up late last night. But in my defense, I was at the glorious Triple Crown Ale House & Basement playing the devil in Hell, and by that I mean I was in the Triple Crown basement. So I have a boring reason for being tired. I don't hate all Mondays (#notallMondays). That would be daycist of me (#All MondaysMatter). They'll be marches for both of these causes that you can attend later in June. OK? I've already made a sign.

But that's kind of what I want to say tonight. Being tired affects how we communicate with each other. Now, on a good day, my responses back to people are jumbled, incoherent, and don't make much sense. But today, especially, my response this morning to "Hey, how's it going?" was downright wrong. I replied "Have a good one." We've all been there, am I right?

What had happened was I walked into the bathroom to take my morning dump at work like a young professional, and I bumped into a coworker who said the above mentioned greeting and I said my above mentioned response and this all sounded better in my head. Point is, you don't know what I meant. I could've been asking a question about his peeing, like "Have a good one?" See, I care about office morale. I want to make sure everyone has good pees. You don't know. That could be what I meant. You don't know. 

Anyway, it's been bugging me all day, although he didn't seem to notice, and maybe I mumbled it. Aww, who am I kidding? I definitely mumbled it. Could this be a win for my mumbling, finally breaking it's 0-700 losing record? Maybe...? Am I going to end this blog with a bunch of rhetorical questions? Probably, what's it to you? Leave me alone. I'm exhausted. 

I Didn't Even Have a Horse in the Race

As many of you know, the first leg of the Kentucky Derby took place on Saturday at Churchill Downs, where some 20 odd horses raced around a track for about 2 minutes. The off-again on-again weather proved to make things difficult, but still 158,070 people showed up to watch little people ride horses and risk their lives. Sure, it's all Fun and Games until Someone Loses An Eye (not real horses, but they could make great names). I watched the whole race, so that entitles me to give you my review of each horse and where they finished. Let's begin.

1. Always Dreaming took the top spot, proving that if you believe, you can achieve. I guess dreams really do come true. 

2. Looking At Lee must've been kicking himself instead of the ground, because he spent the entire race looking at Always Dreaming as he trailed in second place. 

3. Battle of Midway managed to end up showing in third place, proving that not all hard fought battles are worth fighting for.

4. Classic Empire couldn't seem to break the top three, finishing about 8 lengths behind the number one spot. Ha! Classic Empire! 

5. Practical Joke was my clear favorite to win the entire thing, but after a whoopie cushion of a start, he took a pie to the face instead of a win in first place in that great big horse race.  

6. Tapwrit couldn't seem to be tapped hard enough by his jockey, so naturally he held a leaderboard spot but fell to the middle of the pack. I guess Tapwrit will have to go back to being some type of legal document, I'm not sure.

7. Gunnevera couldn't get his nerves "gunder" control, as he flopped around on the muddy track for way too long. Afterwards, he was quoted as saying "Come on, did you really think a horse with 'never'  in it's name was going to win?" I guess not.

8. "Unleash the McCraken!" is what they would they have said if McCraken ever showed a chance at breaking the top five. Here's a horse with a nautical name but naut a good finishing time.

9. Gormley had terrible formley and normley I wouldn't root for him, so yesterday was a big convincer that I'm always right, uniformley. 

10. Irish War Cry couldn't be heard, as the deafening sound of the nine horse in front of him crushed all of his hopes.

11. Hence wished he could have finished one place ahead of where he ended up. Hence, he could be hence in tenth place.

12. Untrapped felt exactly the opposite. Never even broke the top ten. I would call that a prison of his own design.

13. Girvin sounds like a navigation system, but that didn't help because he was lost the entire race. I guess he'll always be a virgin at Churchill Downs. 

14. Patch couldn't "patch the gap" between himself and Girvin and the other 12 horses in front of them. Such is life when your name is a noun and a verb.

15. J Boys Echo did anything but, finishing at a disappointing 15th. None of the boys was able to echo to any of the other horses. Try again next year, boys!!

- The Glue Factory Scoreboard (I assume that the last 5 horses go straight to the factory.) 

16.  Sonneteer waxed poetic about finishing in 15th place or above, but alas, could. not. beat. the competition. *snap* *snap* (said as a beat poet squeezes a bottle of Elmer's Glue all over the place.)

17.  Fast and Accurate wasn't. 

18.  Irap spit hot bars, and I by that I mean he spit on the hot bars of the gate as poor technique led to an even worse finish.

19.  State of Honor finished 19th in a state of disgrace. What he lacks in stamina and ability, he also lacks in his name's potential.

20.  Thundersnow was all show, right from the start. And much like thundersnow, the event, a lot of loud noises and white stuff is coming up. Loud noises being the sound of machines at the factory and white stuff being an endless supplie of glue for children to eat.

I hope you enjoyed the race as much as I did. It really was a good one. See you in two weeks as we race for the 2nd part of the Triple Crown.  (Also, come see my new improv team Thundersnow at the terrible Triple Crown Ale House in NYC.)

FDNY Not?

Update on last week!  The only thing gassier than me is, apparently, my girlfriend's apartment. We got a phone call Friday night that said that the FDNY broke the door down to stop a gas leak. I'm glad they were able to shut it off. I'm a little jealous of the apartment, trying to steal my gas title by "threatening to explode!" How petty!

You would think that I would have only had to interact with the FDNY once this weekend. Well, you'd be wrong, you idiot. I saw them again for a totally unrelated reason. This reason is my brother's worst fear come to fruition: a stuck elevator. I can now check "stuck in an elevator full of Asian people" off my bucket list.

I used to live near Koreatown. Koreatown isn't so much a town as it is a street in midtown Manhattan. I lived in the building opposite the rooftop bar that I was hanging out in on Saturday. That was easy street. I called it easy street because my rent was $1500, and I could easily see myself living on the street. How lucky I was to be alive right then! I've since moved far away, but I'll always remember that building for what it had: working elevators. (Close friends/visitors will point out that the elevators were regularly under maintenance and usually not working. Shhh!!!) The hotel NYMA, right behind my old apartment, needs to get itself together. 

We had gotten tired of paying way too high prices for way too sweet margaritas at a way too high up bar. It was called Cloud Social, which I thought was the sequel to Cloud Atlas, the only movie featuring Tom Hanks that isn't three hours long. But alas, it's just a bar where you can talk to and look at the clouds (touching costs extra!). Well, we were done with it and ready to move. A bunch of us piled onto the elevator, about 14 in total. We hit the L button and made our descent. The elevator hit floor L, but the doors never opened. 

We were stunned. Some people started to get scared. I was confidently telling everyone that the doors take a while to open. No one was buying it, especially not the doors. They remained shut, like the legs of girl you just insulted. In fact I'm pretty sure I did insult the girls behind us in the elevator. The first thing we all felt was the heat. I don't want to say it was hot in there, but at one point we were drawing dicks on the foggy doors. Drawing dicks on the foggy doors is a euphemism that I use for sex, but in this case I meant it literally.

Someone had the bright idea to call 911. I said good luck, as AT&T gets terrible service everywhere. We got a hold of the police (whoop! whoop!), who had the FDNY show up. Ladder 24, to be exact. Fine men there. They yelled through the doors to make sure we were ok, and then insulted us by saying that the elevator got stuck because we had too many people in there. I challenged (Point/Counterpoint). If you think of the average person as weighing 150 pounds, then 14 x 150 = 2100 pounds, weigh under the 2500 pound limit. Take that, FDNY. Just get us out of this elevator. 

They pried the elevator open with a crowbar. We were not in fact at the lobby. We had gone about 2.5 feet past. The cinderblock ledge we stepped up on to was the lobby. I let the ladies and children exit first, then I gingerly stepped up out of the elevator with the help of August and September from Ladder 24. I ran out of the hotel, but not before inquiring about the rates and if there was an elevator discount. The front desk guy wasn't amused, but I wasn't expecting him to be. I'll be contacting management.  

All in all, it was a good elevator story. My favorite part was when the guy behind us said "Can we stop the unnecessary talking, it's fogging up the elevator?" And then a bunch of us slowly suffocated him with our belts. I didn't stick around to see what FDNY did with him, but hey, at least the doors were a little less foggy. Heat rises, so we all helped him go low. Moral of the story? I used to live in midtown Manhattan, right by Koreatown. 

What's that Smell?

There's two questions that you can ask me where the answer is always yes. Those are "Are you farting?" and/or "Did you just fart?" I don't know what's wrong with me (probably my diet), but I have a constant stream of gas. I'm like the embodiment of the Dakota Access Pipeline. We should mine me for natural gas. I'm thinking about replacing National Grid as being the sole supplier of gas to New York City. Someone let me know if this is something that I can do. I've been looking for a new job. 

Although, it is the one thing that makes me hesitant about changing jobs now. Because I've spent all of this time customizing, getting used to, and farting in this desk chair; to change it now would be a pointless. Although, maybe I'm just thinking of the sunk cost fallacy, or as I call it, the stunk cost fallacy, which says you shouldn't consider time and money spent doing something a reason to stay involved with it. But, I digest (not properly, I'm assuming, based on the smell).

I've mastered every type of fart. Silent, silent but deadly, silent but lively, monotone, monosmell, cute, and crop duster. It's my own built in defense mechanism. Like comedy. Anybody walking behind me is subject to a fart in their face. And also my comedy in their face. Both are enough to scare people into walking the other way. One day I'll finally find a way to harness this power and use it for good. Let's just chalk it up to another superpower that I have. So until next time, this has been Methane Man saying Peace!!!

You're Not Making a lot of Cents

Well, it was only a matter of time. You knew it would happen eventually. You just didn't think would be so soon. But here I am, about to ramble on and on about small change again, a subject near, and dear, to my pocket. And it might not amount to much, or might make a lot of sense. I don't know, you decide. 

See, I think about small change in a big way. If you place a high amount of value on the smallest part of something, that bigger something is going to matter. Take the larger act of recycling. Do you do it? I mean really do it. Why not? Is it too confusing, too hard, or does it take too much effort? Don't worry, I won't judge. I'm not on any high horse. (They're too expensive and most apartments don't allow them. What is this, 2 Broke Girls?)  The point is, we don't care enough to be motivated to recycle, or at the very least, take a plastic bottle or can back to the store. Here in NYC, they charge a bottle deposit per can/bottle. It's only $0.05. Most people are like 'screw it, I'll forget the nickel.' But what did we just talk about? It's just me and the Chinese lady, standing at register 6, both screaming Bottle! until someone helps us. Why does $0.05 motivate me and not you? What number would motivate you?

I've asked a lot of questions, so I'll go back to rambling. It never really crosses anyone's mind, the small change amounts, I mean. But what if you're me, buying a bagel from the market every morning? When the bagels cost $0.34 a pop, it sure as heck makes cents to count pennies. These little guys add up. Now, that's the kind of change that Barack Obama was talking about. Also, they are legal tender and should be treated as such. (What if this turned into a PSA about the penny? That would be weird...)

If you want to see me give a shout out to the penny, watch this month's The Late Stream on Facebook Live. Follow it on there. My friend is doing a good thing producing a great late night show and if you take the time to watch, I'm sure you'll have fun. It's free, which as you know, is even cheaper than a penny. 

A Two-for-One Holiday

This year, Passover and National Sibling Day fall on the same day. Today. Now, you non-Jewish folks (or as you refer to yourselves, regular people) may be asking "Why do you bring this up, Charlie? Why is this night different from all other nights?" Well, on all other nights, we eat leavened... oh wait, hold on, we are talking about siblings. I bring it up because the plague of utmost importance in the Passover story is none other than the slaying of the first born. This implies that there are other borns, so it's in very poor taste, poorer taste than the bitter herbs. I mean, this is the most controversial thing to happen to the Jewish people since Woody Allen married Soon-Yi, who I believe was his first born? (Aww, too soon? No, that's too Soon-Yi.)

What are the odds of this happening? They are literally astronomical, right? I mean, the Jews could sooner flee Egypt than have Passover and National Sibling Day fall on the same day. The Jews could bake bread with all the ingredients more easily than have Passover and National Sibling Day fall on the same day. Woody Allen could divorce Soon-Yi and put her through college more readily than have Passover and National Sibling Day fall on the same day. (She is college age, right? I don't know, I'm just getting around to these jokes now. I'm sure they have a lovely relationship that will last a lifetime. A lifetime is also what you get if you subtract Soon-Yi's age from Woody Allen's.) 

Let me think on this some more throughout the holiday and get back to you. It just seems really ironic to have the two days fall together. I know it's possible, but what does it say about the faith? What does it say about the religion? "Enjoy your siblings today while you've got 'em cause we are gonna slay that first born in a few minutes!) Luckily, I'm not the first born, even though I'm a twin. My brother was pulled out before me: It's ok, don't worry. I send him sheeps blood every year around this time. Helps ward off the spirits and makes others think he crazy. Elijah still comes around, that freeloading drunk. You ever liquor up a ghost? This ain't no Casper situation, let me tell you that. But, maybe that's for next week, I don't know.

For now, I'm gonna do what Jews are supposed to do on Passover: get wine drunk and think about stuff. (Sips his dry Pinot Grigio) Ahhh, dry white wine, my favorite (said no one ever). But it's Kosher. And if it's Kosher it's ok in my book. Now, you gonna eat that egg or just dip it in salt water? (Adds that question to the list of four question, making it five.) 

Senate and Chill?

The government, am I right? It seems like they are going through a bit of a rough spot. I mean, this side says this, that side says that, the third side goes "Moooo!!" I can't keep track. And neither can they, I don't think. So that's why I'm proposing a new model for our Governemnt. They need to bring a little fun back into their lives. Everything is so tense, so serious, so Fox. I believe that it doesn't have to be.

That's why I'm going to go out on a limb (branch?) and say that I have a solution. We need to have the government follow some easy, fun ways to make working there a piece of cake. I've outlined new terms and definitions below that I would like the government to pass into laws, however that's done. (I honestly don't know; I slept through most of School House Rock in elementary school.)

Here we go:

1. Fili-Dave&-Buster's - This would be when someone on either side is trying to filibuster, the court immediately stops. Then, each party collectively goes to Dave & Buster's, and whichever side walks away with the most combined tickets, they win the ruling and also like an XBOX plus five keychains and eraser toppers.

2. Executive Law and Order - Before every Executive Order, the President must watch an episode of Law and Order and if he can not figure out who the murderer is within the first 30 minutes, the Order doesn't pass.

Let's start with these two and see what they do with them. Now, does anyone know how to get these to the government?  Do I call my local congressman? Don't forget, I fell asleep during School House Rock. Let me know.

Radia-shunned!

As some of you may know, I spent this past weekend like the good people of Chernobyl spend all of their time: being radioactive. I mean, I was more radioactive than someone trying to call into B101's Best Christmas Ever. (Oh wait! No, that's radio active; that's different. And yes, I called it B101. I know it's called 101.1 MoreFM, now, but I deliberately choose to remain a loyal B101.1 fan.)

You may remember that I had cancer. (How could you forget, when everything I say reminds you of it?) In order to make sure that it doesn't come back, I had to get two shots and swallow a radioactive iodine pill, which essentially unleashes radioactive iodine on some iodine loving cancer cells, destroying them once and for all. It's that age old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm going radioactive on your ass."

The shots were for raising my levels of thyroid forming cells. I got each one of them in the couple of days prior to my taking the pill. When I went in to get them, I rolled up my sleeve and told the nurse to "do her worst." She then told me that the shot doesn't go in the arm and instructed that I bend over. I said "Two shots in the butt? But it's not Saturday?..." 

It wasn't uncomfortable at all, being radioactive, I mean. I actually felt right at home, not just because I was lying in bed at home, but because I used to live next to a nuclear power plant. It brought back a lot of fond memories of being exposed to minimal amounts of radiation all of the time. It's probably where I got the cancer in the first place. How's that for a taste of it's own nuclear medicine?

My doctor seemed downright lacksadasical about the entire process, waffling on all of the rules he gave me in the handout. I could eat whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted (inside my room), and drink whatever I wanted. The big things were that I couldn't be around children and needed to not put everything in my mouth. I could even be around people for the last bit of the weekend, I just couldn't put any of them in my mouth. It was boring, to say the least. I peed most of the radiation out, so if there's a few more radioactive monsters in the NYC sewer system, you'll know why, and it'll be my job to get them out of there. Cowabunga!

One thing I was told to do was to buy sour candy to suck on, so that the radiation didn't get caught in my salivary glands. Man, I was walking around bragging that the doctor "prescribed me Sour Patch Kids" the entire weekend. Of course, nobody heard me cause it was around my empty apartment, but still. 

Another thing that I had to do was use the same fork for the entire weekend, wash it separately, and then stick it and my toothbrush in a plastic bag and keep them in the back of my closet for three months. I said "Whoa, doc! I don't have a closet." He said keep it somewhere dark and cool, at which point I bent over and...

All in all, it's impossible to tell if I did everything correctly and who knows how many innocent bystanders I've infected? What I will say is I hope it worked. I'll get a scan this week and find out. I don't think I could do it again. If I'm not out and doing stuff, I get restless. You can't tame this creative beast. So, I think I'm good now. Just don't point a Geiger counter at me. 

'Has Spring Sprung?' And Other Myths Debunked

Well, as the snow (ice) from last week melts, you can be sure of one thing: it's springtime (for Hitler (Donald Trump)). On this first day of spring, I'll be doing some topical joke notebook cleaning, so enjoy these several zingers that will feel oh so relevant to exactly right now, this moment. 

1. Eric Trump and Lara Lea Trump are welcoming a new baby boy to the family. Lara wanted a girl, but all of the men in the family told her hat it wasn't her right to choose.

2. Some people are upset at the fact that the new Beauty and the Beast features a gay character. I'm not that upset because I realized that he only starts out as a bear. He eventually becomes a straight prince again.  

3. Metrocard fares in New York have recently risen to three dollars per ride. The MTA says they are using the extra money to "at least buy each passenger dinner" before screwing them. 

4. Rachel Maddow released the first and last page of Donald Trump's 2005 tax returns last week. This week, she plans on releasing an old Wendy's receipt that she found in the dumpster behind Trump Towers.

 5. The Big Bang Theory has been renewed for two more seasons and a spin-off. I had a feel that that universe would be forever expanding.

Next week, I'll have a lot to say, as I am taking radioactive iodine on Friday to finish off this cancer for good. I'll let you know if I develop super powers, multiple arms, or anything of that nature. It'll be a glowing review of the process, I bet. Hehe. See ya next week.