I Didn't Even Have a Horse in the Race

As many of you know, the first leg of the Kentucky Derby took place on Saturday at Churchill Downs, where some 20 odd horses raced around a track for about 2 minutes. The off-again on-again weather proved to make things difficult, but still 158,070 people showed up to watch little people ride horses and risk their lives. Sure, it's all Fun and Games until Someone Loses An Eye (not real horses, but they could make great names). I watched the whole race, so that entitles me to give you my review of each horse and where they finished. Let's begin.

1. Always Dreaming took the top spot, proving that if you believe, you can achieve. I guess dreams really do come true. 

2. Looking At Lee must've been kicking himself instead of the ground, because he spent the entire race looking at Always Dreaming as he trailed in second place. 

3. Battle of Midway managed to end up showing in third place, proving that not all hard fought battles are worth fighting for.

4. Classic Empire couldn't seem to break the top three, finishing about 8 lengths behind the number one spot. Ha! Classic Empire! 

5. Practical Joke was my clear favorite to win the entire thing, but after a whoopie cushion of a start, he took a pie to the face instead of a win in first place in that great big horse race.  

6. Tapwrit couldn't seem to be tapped hard enough by his jockey, so naturally he held a leaderboard spot but fell to the middle of the pack. I guess Tapwrit will have to go back to being some type of legal document, I'm not sure.

7. Gunnevera couldn't get his nerves "gunder" control, as he flopped around on the muddy track for way too long. Afterwards, he was quoted as saying "Come on, did you really think a horse with 'never'  in it's name was going to win?" I guess not.

8. "Unleash the McCraken!" is what they would they have said if McCraken ever showed a chance at breaking the top five. Here's a horse with a nautical name but naut a good finishing time.

9. Gormley had terrible formley and normley I wouldn't root for him, so yesterday was a big convincer that I'm always right, uniformley. 

10. Irish War Cry couldn't be heard, as the deafening sound of the nine horse in front of him crushed all of his hopes.

11. Hence wished he could have finished one place ahead of where he ended up. Hence, he could be hence in tenth place.

12. Untrapped felt exactly the opposite. Never even broke the top ten. I would call that a prison of his own design.

13. Girvin sounds like a navigation system, but that didn't help because he was lost the entire race. I guess he'll always be a virgin at Churchill Downs. 

14. Patch couldn't "patch the gap" between himself and Girvin and the other 12 horses in front of them. Such is life when your name is a noun and a verb.

15. J Boys Echo did anything but, finishing at a disappointing 15th. None of the boys was able to echo to any of the other horses. Try again next year, boys!!

- The Glue Factory Scoreboard (I assume that the last 5 horses go straight to the factory.) 

16.  Sonneteer waxed poetic about finishing in 15th place or above, but alas, could. not. beat. the competition. *snap* *snap* (said as a beat poet squeezes a bottle of Elmer's Glue all over the place.)

17.  Fast and Accurate wasn't. 

18.  Irap spit hot bars, and I by that I mean he spit on the hot bars of the gate as poor technique led to an even worse finish.

19.  State of Honor finished 19th in a state of disgrace. What he lacks in stamina and ability, he also lacks in his name's potential.

20.  Thundersnow was all show, right from the start. And much like thundersnow, the event, a lot of loud noises and white stuff is coming up. Loud noises being the sound of machines at the factory and white stuff being an endless supplie of glue for children to eat.

I hope you enjoyed the race as much as I did. It really was a good one. See you in two weeks as we race for the 2nd part of the Triple Crown.  (Also, come see my new improv team Thundersnow at the terrible Triple Crown Ale House in NYC.)