The Case of Swanky v. Schwanky

First of all, thanks for sticking with me last month. I got an idea to make up SAT math questions, and then decided to double down on it and commit to the rest of the SAT test. It was both strange and stressful. So to all of you who actually stuck with me, you are appreciated. I have no regrets. When I wrote the first one, I called myself a genius... out loud... to other people... in person. So I have no shame. None at all.

Now, recently, I've been hearing and sometimes using the word 'swanky,' usually in relation to my apartment here in New York. Swanky, for those who don't know, means stylish, luxurious, fancy, or posh, you know, like the Spice Girls (Scary, Baby, Sporty, Ginger, Swanky). It's not a word that I would normally keep in lexicon (after all, I use the word "lexicon"), but others have been using it around me and in conversation with me, so I've picked it up. I know, I know. Great power, great responsibility, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to throw it around loosey goosey (Note: remove "loosey goosey" from my lexicon). I'm just noticing the word more and more.

That brings me to the issue at hand. Last week, I heard the word again. It was said by a  woman sitting behind me to another woman sitting behind me. Fine, fine, I was eavesdropping. Are you happy now? Anyway,  the one woman, who will remain nameless because I don't know her name, said it in a, for lack of a better word, swanky way. She said "schwanky." Think Mike Myers as Wayne from Wayne's World; Schwing!! That's not the right way to say it, is it? I'm new to this word, and I don't want to get it wrong (or use it at all). Maybe I won't use it. That solves my problem, right? But it's definitely swanky not schwanky. I think so. Also, she had an upper inflection on the end of the sentence like everything was a question. Upspeak, I believe?

This is, I guess, a silly debate (Silly Debate is my political sketch group). I'm going to arbitrarily decide that I'm right because who cares? I will never hear her again (hopefully). She doesn't bother me at all. For now, I will sit in swanky NYC apartment and try to figure out what I'm doing here. Maybe I'll update my lexicon. And by "update my lexicon," I mean watch porn. 

SAT Prep for Comedians: Writing

OK! Here's the last lesson that I've got for my fellow comedians. I hope you've taken away a lot of good information from these tutoring sessions. Don't forget to Venmo me about $300 dollars (sorry, I don't tutor for cheap!)

Read each sentence carefully. If you find an error, select the bold part that is incorrect. Some sentences contain no error, in which case choose answer (e) (for Error does not exist).

Question 1:

Being not funny (a) is an enormous problem (b), it affects (c) many unnamed comedians citywide (d), and is an impediment to comedic progress. No error (e).

(a)   (b)   (c)   (d)   (e)

Question 2:

The engineer (a), who is renowned for his comedy (b), has designed (c) a very funny joke (d) about how women can't do comedy. No error (e).

(a)   (b)   (c)   (d)   (e)

Question 3:

The prop comic eluded detection that he wasn't funny by merely throwing a clock off stage and saying "Look at how time flies!"

(a) Look at how hands move  (b) Look at how minutes pass  (c) Look at how that face goes   (d) Look at how clocks move   (e) No Error

Alright, let's see how you did. In Question 1, the answer is (a). It shouldn't say not funny, it should say racist. Don't judge one another.

In Question 2, there is actually (e) no error. I can attest to the joke. It's super biting and super funny. It really speaks wonders about the correct inequality between men and women. (joking!)

Finally, the answer to Question 3 is technically (e) no error. But that joke is so tacky and out dated, right? I mean, it's a classic (in 1940! Zing!). But I kind of like it. It makes a fun play on words. I like words. Do you?

So there you have it. You are now ready for the SATs, a test that has changed so much since I took it and really doesn't matter for anything. But when I commit, I commit. So you should commit too. Be as smart as you want to be. Test yourself! In other words, get yourself tested (testes) today!

SAT Prep for Comedians: CRITICAL READING

SAT Prep again! This week, it's critical reading. Yeah, we all know you know how to write, but can you read and comprehend? Let's find out.

1) Johnny tried to tell his Donald Trump joke as if it was _________; we all know it was really _________, though.

a) controversial -- unfunny   b) his own -- stolen   c) topical -- incorrect   d) terrible -- SNL worthy   e) existential -- grounded in reality

2) The older comedian's dick joke fell flat; However, his anti-_________ joke hit really hard.

a) women   b) black people   c) Mexicans   d) gays   e) abortion

3) A female comedian slays at a bringer show. She crushes most of her competition, including the men. They take offense to that. Even though she was arbitrarily better, she is still bullied and called mean names out of the fear and insecurity of her male counterparts.

The primary purpose of the passage with reference to the society under discussion is to:

a) show the difference between boys and girls   b) prove women are funny once and for all   c) encourage more people to go to bringer shows   d) discourage more people from going to bringer shows   e) use big words like 'arbitrarily' and 'counterparts'

The word 'counterparts' (line 4) most nearly means:

a) waiters   b) audience members   c) male comedians   d) therapists   e) Uber drivers

Alright, let's discuss: Question 1 is fairly easy. All Donald Trump jokes have been made up to this point. Every. Single. One. There are absolutely no new ones to be made. That being said, the answer is clearly (b); he stole it.

Question 2 is a little hairier. Disregard the puns thrown in to the question and the beginning of this answer. They are misdirects because I like puns. The answer is actually (e). Trust me, it's a funny joke. I won't do it justice retelling it here because you need to see the act out of walking to the grocery store. 

Question 3 is a two-parter. The first answer seems obvious: To prove once and for all that women are funny. But that's not true (Please do not write emails! I'm kidding!). The correct answer is (e) use big words like 'arbitrarily' and 'counterparts.' It shows off my innate perfect grasp of the Wnglish language. The second answer is pretty straight forward. You may be drawn to Uber  drivers as an answer because they are everywhere, but in this context, (c) male comedians makes the most sense. Come to think of it, they are everywhere too. Go figure. Comedian is like the Uber driver of people jobs, or something like that. 

Next week: Writing!

SAT Prep for Comedians: MATH

I took the SAT's twice. The first time, I studied really hard and got an 1880. The second time, I didn't study at all and got a 2060. A complete 180! Now, I'm not bragging; I'm merely pointing out the fact that sometimes, depending on the day, things happen that influence your score. It's completely arbitrary. 

That being said, I know my stuff (800 on the math section of the SAT test (now I'm bragging!)). I want to help out my fellow comedians too! So, for the rest of this month, I'll be posting SAT prep questions for comedians. This week: Math!

Question: Jim hosts a free open mic on Tuesday nights. He can have, at most, 25 men sign up at 8:00 p.m. Those who pay $5 can choose between the first 5 spots. The rest go into a random lottery. How many different combinations of line ups can he have and how much money does he make? a) 3 x 10^20, $25   b) 3 x 10^21, $25   c) 3 x 10^20, $0   d) 3 x 10^21, $0

OK, on the surface, this question seems daunting and hard. But let's take a closer look at it. I would start by removing all of the unnecessary information. You don't need the Tuesday night or the 8:00 p.m. Get rid of it! That information is a lot like college; You don't need it. Don't be fooled by it's lure. That siren costs $100,000 paid out over the rest of your life. Don't be stupid. Also, you don't need the part about the men. That is assumed because, as we all know, women aren't funny. (That's a joke! No emails, please!)

Next, you can assume that about 80% of men at this mic are broke, since they want to be comedians. So that means that 80% can't pay $5 and 20% can. 20% * 25 = 5.  So 5 people can pay. Well, that's just 5! (five factorial = 5*4*3*2*1 = 120), or how many different ways you can arrange 5 people. Then, the lottery is just a random ordering of 25 people less the 5 from the beginning, or 20! (20*19*18*17*16*etc...) as well. I know this is boring but trust me, this test determines the rest of your life. Take it seriously. So, at the end of this, you have 5! * 20! = 2.9195 x 10^20 line ups of not quite comedians waiting to tell their dumb jokes. And that's the answer! 

But wait! Don't forget to read every question carefully. There's a second part. How much money does Jim make? That's easy, $25 right? Wrong! It's a trick question! The $25 goes back to the bar so that the mic can continue to be kept a free mic. So, the answer is 3 x 10^20 line ups, $0, or (C). When in doubt, it's always (C). So that's it! You're done. 

Next week: Critical Reading! 

Magic (Not the Gathering)

I like magic (the art, not the card game for nerds). I may have mentioned it before. I grew up going to magic shows and watching televised magicians, like Criss Angel and David Blaine. Magic on tv is fun because you don't have to actually do magic. The camera adds ten illusions, as they say. But magic in person can be, well, magical.  

I've actually whipped my deck out and started playing with it again. It's like riding a bike; it started out a little shaky and I ended up with cuts on my hands. All in all, I'd say it was a success. I'm thinking about heading out in this big, unconquerable city and trying to do magic for money, on the street, like a street magician. That's what they are called.

The only thing that I need now is a street name to go by. Shulman seems too Jewish, like I'd make a coin disappear and not give it back. So, I've made a list below. Please vote and get back to me before the weather gets nice outside. 

Possible names: 

1. Chadbra Cadabra

2. Charlie Magic

3. Trick S. 

4. Charlie Blaine

5. David Copperfield

6. Magic Mike

7. Tricks Magee

8. The Great Charlini

9. Deck Ridley

Please vote American Idol style, by calling random numbers and yelling one, two, three, and so on. You can also vote via Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat. Standard messaging rates apply. No purchase necessary. Contest ends when I say so. 

In Sanity We Check

First, a little bit about this post title. I wanted to call this post "insanity check," like the opposite of sanity check. Then, I thought I'd add a 'we' in there because it seemed like the slogan on a coin, like "in God we trust." That makes sense, right? It made sense to me yesterday when I wrote it. Oh well!

When things get busy, it's important to remember to take some time to do something for yourself, or rather, for someone else. It feels so good to help others. It's a high that I think I will be chasing for the rest of my life, like that one time in Vegas that I did blow off of a hooker's forehead. Anybody know the statute of limitations on that? (Asking for the hooker.)

It really cleared my head and made me feel good. I could see the world a little clearer, I swear. I'm not trying to go all hippie jumbo jumbo here, just saying it's nice to step outside of your own way and focus on others.

It's that time of the month again. (No, not that time of the month; I'm a guy.) I mean it's time to talk about my period. Wait! Scratch that, it's those pesky New Year's Resolutions. Here they are, updated for your amusement.

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast (Completed)

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast. (Completed - 4th is below)

4. Write a TV show pilot. (2 in progress)

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes. (Completed)

7. Join an independent improv team. (Completed)

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Attend a live taping of Saturday Night Live. (Completed - Hell Yeah!!)

14. Release a book.

See you fools in April!!!

Also, this: 

Charlie and Joel sit down this week to discuss general housekeeping and how busy they are.

Super Mundane Monday

How many times have you been asked this question: (No, not that question, this next question...) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? It's your standard pre-K through high school brain teaser, yes? Most people answer x-ray vision (which would be completely dangerous to those around you unless the x-ray vision came with lead vests), super strength (which you would need to have a pin point accurate control over just because you could potentially grab a baby to hold and end up crushing it), invisibility (which is a potential fire hazard because unless you are able to be passed through, someone could run into you, trip you and themselves, and get trampled in an emergency such as a fire), or the ability to fly (which, I don't have to explain to you, wouldn't work unless you have knowledge of the airspace and its regulations above you. I mean, you could ask Siri "Hey Siri, what planes are flying over head right now?" But that wouldn't necessarily permit you into the airspace.). I said each one of these at least three times throughout school, just to confuse others.

That aside, in all seriousness, I do have a superpower. I'm completely serious. I have what I'm calling Corner ESP. I know it sounds like a sports morning show, but let me explain. I have a very good sense of when people are walking around a corner. Like, you know when you are walking in a hallway and you come up to a corner, and you don't know if someone is going to come around from the other side and slam into you? I always know if someone is there. It's made walking in buildings a complete breeze. No longer are hallways a daunting maze full of terror and potential injury. And I know there are ways of explaining it, like my subconscious is sensing the air changing and light shadows on walls or whatever, but I'm going to continue to believe in my superpower.

I have learned to harness this power and use it for only good. With great power comes great responsibility. Uncle Ben said that to Spider-Man. And it always rings true. Because we all have superpowers, I think. And it's ok, they can be as mundane as Corner ESP, or as logistically complicated as flying (see above). Go out and figure out what yours is. And use it to the fullest. Be creative. Have fun. And save the world. (Boy this got inspirational, didn't it?)

Reader's assemble!!! 

Random Irrationality

I feel as though I would be doing my readers and fans (you know who you are) a great disservice if I didn't at least mention that today is in fact Pi Day, or as non-nerds call it, Monday. You see, today is March 14th, or as read on the bottom right corner of your computer screen, 03/14, as in 3.14, the digits of Pi. Now, it worked out last year that the next numbers, 1 and 5, matched Pi's digits, 3.1415. I think this year it matches better because going to a further decimal place you can see this: 3.14159265358979 rounds to 3.1416, or 3/14/16. Non-nerds refer to that as today. Boom! MInd = blown. 

Besides being Pi Day (I'll get back to that in a minute), I've been feeling really random lately. Let me tell you some quick stories:

Daylight Saving Time - Ha, more like dumblight saving time, am I right? (Gives self a high five!) I was completely thrown off this morning when I awoke to darkness. Also, I was dead tired leading up to going to bed last night, then got into bed, and instantly became more wide awake than a Katy Perry album. I believe the kids call it woke, yes? It was crazy. For some reason, I do my best idea generation when I'm brushing my teeth, in the shower, and getting into bed. So, as long as I'm constantly doing my bedtime ritual, I should continue to be a genius.

Greed Baguettes Greed - I was at the market making my way over to the baguettes, which have become a staple of my diet these days. All six baguettes stared at me with opportunity. An old lady rolled up next to me and took two and then told me to pick, so I chose one. Then I turned around and left. When I looked back, she had all four in her cart like it was just OK and normal to walk around with four baguettes in a grocery cart. Save some for the rest of us, lady! She also looked lost the entire time, which makes me think that she has dementia. She also has a whole lot of carbohydrates! Zing!!!

Here is one final thing. I wrote a song about Pi once. It's a parody of the intro, first verse, last verse, and outro of American Pie. It's too long to post here. If you want lyrics, let me know.

There we go. Just as random as Pi.

How To Waste Time At Work

Many of us have day jobs. Many of those day jobs are in an office building. Not the same office building, but a general office building in different U.S. locations. Anyway, I bet we've all thought the same thing at some point: What are the best ways to waste time at work?

Luckily for you, I've thought long and hard on this issue (wasting numerous minutes at work) and come up with some guaranteed ways to make those clock hands move faster than Hilary Clinton after she realized that Bernie Sanders might win the Democratic nomination. That's fast!

1. False Start

Here's something I'm calling the False Start. Picture this: it's the morning, and you know you want coffee or tea. But rather than get it on your own time, before work, why not get after you get to work, check in, and put your stuff down? That way, you can waste time by going back downstairs to the coffee place that you deliberately passed on the way in. That's like a whole ten minutes, just gone. Poof!

2. Reverse Pursuit of Happiness

Now, let's talk going to the bathroom. Instead of making #1 and #2 #1 and #2 on your schedule, when you wake up, respectively, save them until you get to work. That way, it looks like you're healthy and regular to all of your fellow workplace acquaintances. I'm also proposing the reverse Pursuit of Happiness. This is where, instead of drinking less water to be more productive, you drink a ton of water to be less productive and have to pee every hour. That's 30 minutes wasted (literally!).

3. Meetings

Try to go to all of the meetings that you can sneak into. They are like garbage disposals for hours of the day. If you're not a big part of the topic being discussed, you can simply sit back, relax, and watch the weather change outside. You can also soak in some knowledge, but that's purely optional.

4. Late Lunch Break

You gave to eat at some point, right? That's why I'm suggesting that you take lunch as late as you possibly can. That way, the day is more than half over. I suggest like 12:30 or 1:00 pm. There's alsosomething oddly satisfying and filling about a late lunch.

5. Podcasts

If you need something more audibly soothing and time-wastey, try downloading comedy podcasts. Any of the top ones on iTunes are great. Also, there is this one called Shulmania that my brother and I started. You could try that too! It's just us talking over each other while discussing a topic. There's even a special guest at the end. What could be better?

I hope these help your day move along. I know the clock tends to drag sometimes, but infusing a couple life hacks can really speed things up. Just a suggestion!

This is the inaugural episode of Shulmania, a podcast from Charlie and Joel Shulman. In it, they talk about performing and what it means to be a performer. At the end, a special guest stops by on his way to the Oscars!

One Small Blog For "Me", One Giant Leap Day For "Me"kind

Hey! It's a leap day. This should be a yearly holiday, or atleast and "every four yearly" holiday. We should get off from work, school, and places of worship. But alas, we don't and never will. But don't fret, because I come "bearing" good news. Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar!!!!! It happened! And all he had to do was fight a bear. It's really that easy. Check and check.

I've got a lot of ideas in the works right now, and I will roll those out as they happen. I'm trying to stay really busy (and succeeding). All good things. There's a new podcast coming, one that my brother and I are doing. Not quite sure how that will be available, but it will be soon. I'm excited about it. 

Also, it's the end of February. Wow, that was quick! (That's what she said!) So, as per the end of the month, I am updating my New Year's Resolutions list. Again, if you thought I wasn't serious, I totally was. Check out this updated list: 

1. Make a sweet Catch Me If You Can reference. (Completed)

2. Be a guest on someone else's podcast.

3. Release more episodes of my own podcast. (in progress)

4. Write a TV show pilot. (in progress)

5. Write a play.

6. Take sketch writing classes. (Completed)

7. Join an independent improv team. (Sort-of)

8. Join an independent sketch team.

9. Write my own sketch show.

10. Act in a sketch show.

11. Host an open mic.

12. Do a feature set of stand up.

13. Attend a live taping of Saturday Night Live. (Completed - Hell Yeah!!)

14. Release a book.

See you suckers in March!!  Giddy-up!! Yee haw! (rides horse off into the sunset...)