Need to Breathe

Ever since I was young, my grandmother has, at some point, on every occasion that I've seen her, asked me "Whose nose do you have?" I have always replied "I don't know. I'm Jewish, is that it?" and shrugged it off while laughing uneasily. But recently, my answer has become "I don't know, but whomever it belongs to can have it back!" I don't want it. It does not work. And I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Nothing has fixed it. I knew I shouldn't have called the Genius Bar. That's when I said something smells funny, and that's why I had it looked at by a professional, instead of my grandmother and a fat hipster.

It turns out that I have a "horribly deviated septum" and a collapsed left valve. It's not your standard deviation (Get it?), but it gets the job done. My nose is crooked. I mean, my nose swings farther left than Barack Obama. And it's got a bigger bump than a 38 week pregnant woman. I'm still not fully convinced that my nose isn't slowly imploding into my face like a demolished building, eventually resembling that of Lord Voldemort's nose, or lack there of. Long story short, I can't breathe. And I feel the need, the need to breathe.

But this problem is actually more serious than a modified quote from the movie Need for Speed. I need to get it fixed, whatever the cost. I don't mean to sound stuffy (*heavy breathing* *heavy breathing*), but it's becoming a real problem. If I didn't know any better, I would think that I do lines of coke in my sleep because my nose just starts bleeding in the night, and I wake up all congested and dry. Plus, the deceased hooker next to me in bed is literally a dead giveaway.

I'm scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. I have many questions: Will it work? Will I sound different? Will my face change shape? Who "nose." (Ha!) Hopefully, I will be able to breathe easy, in more ways than one. (Two ways) If not, well, it'll make for a funny story. (Remember that one time when I had surgery on my nose.? I now keep it in a jar next to my bed. The nostrils are getting wider every day...) Listen, I'm just seizing the opportunity, you know, Carpe Septum! Because I can't let it fall away. It's nothing to turn my nose up at. 

How am I doing? You waited this long to ask how I am doing? That's a little nosy of you, don't you think? Well. I'm fine. Just a little nervous. I have some nose shaped butterflies in my stomach. It is surgery, after all. I will be asleep while they do it, which is why I believe they schedule it for so early in the morning, when I'm already half asleep. A perfect fit. Other than that, it's pretty routine. Maybe I'll get some sweet pain killers. (I'm an entrepreneur, after all.) I'll try to post next week, amid the haze of medication. No promises. Smell ya later.  

Coming Soon to a Website Near You!!!

Website Under Construction: Proceed With Caution!

I've been telling people that I am really, really excited about owning the domain www.peoplesayimfunny.com (You Are Here!). It's so great. But, do you know what I realized last night at like 9:00? I OWN THE FREAKIN' DOMAIN WWW.PEOPLESAYIMFUNNY.COM!!!!. This is also a website. A full website. And I've been using it as a blog. Just a blog. So, to rectify this, I will be expanding this site. If you move your eyeballs upwards from these words, you may notice a Podcasts tab, a Videos tab, and a Comics tab. Also, the About tab became About the Author, which I have populated with some precursory information about myself. Remember, I'm the I'm in People Say I'm Funny. Don't worry, my blog isn't going anywhere (Sorry haterz!). I'm just adding more stuff I like. Keep checking back, because stuff will be updating over the next few weeks. Basically, I'm just consolidating all of the funny things that I have out there on the internet. Everything will become more clear as I do it. Alright, enough gabbing. I'm going back to work. 

Sweat Talk

RING!!!!! RING!!!!! RING!!!!! Is someone going to get that? I would, except that I am awful at talking on the phone to other people. I bet I'm not the only one. Kids these days don't know how to talk on the phone. We all just use Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat. It's crazy. So for whatever the reason, I am not good at talking on the phone. I clam up like an entrée at Red Lobster. And I sweat, like I'm eating an entrée at Red Lobster. Just a full menopausal sweat. Which is weird, because I'm too young to be going through menopause. I also get soft spoken and nervous. I'm sorry; I mean more soft spoken and nervous than I already am. If I can take my clothes off when I'm on the phone, I do.

It's a big problem. Because sometimes, when I'm making an important phone call to someone, they'll ask "Charlie, what's that pitter-patter noise in the background?" And then I have to say "Oh, that? Sorry, I'm in the shower right now." I don't know why I sweat so much and get so uncomfortable. I'll work on it. But hey, even though I get really uncomfortable, the pizza still shows up on time.

Bored Games

You'll never guess what I've been watching a lot of over the past few days. No, it's not you through your bedroom window (or is it???). It's amateurs playing a board game. And that board game is chess. Note how I said board game and not sport. Listen, if I can play it in my living room, is it a sport? Is it? Didn't think so. But have you ever watched nerdy weirdos play chess? The experience leaves much to be desired, trust me (That's what she said!). I don't play chess; I'm merely a spectator (That's what she said!). My earliest chess memory involves the classic Simpsons themed chess set and someone telling me that I couldn't play it with them. It turned out to be fine because I ended up just playing checkers, both regular and my Jackie Chan themed Chinese checkers set. 

Watching chess also got me thinking. I imagine it would be pretty difficult to play chess in Australia, because your opponent would say "Ah, that's check, mate," and you would retort "Well, no, hold on I can still move my king here," and then he would say "No, it's check, mate," and you would fire back "Nuh uh, I can take your queen with my knight," and he would say "No, mate, it's check... mate," and you would say "But I can castle. I can castle!" and so on and so forth in an exchange reminiscent of Abbott and Costello. And plus, the pieces move the opposite way on the board over there, so it's really confusing.

Have a good week, and remember Chess's infamous slogan - "Chess: Keeping nerds in check since whenever chess was invented."

Three Two Line Scenes

"Can I put more Jews in this ghetto?" - Nazi 

"I don't know, can you? Ha, ha. It's 'May I put more Jews in this ghetto?' And yes, you may." - Grammar Nazi

"Your son sounds like an accomplished man." - Random Bostonian

"He is. I think I have a photo of him somewhere." (Pulls out a $100 bill) "Ahh, here we go. That's him in the middle." - Josiah Franklin

"What is The Barrier Reef?" - Contestant

"Ha, ha, ha. No. The answer is the The Great Barrier Reef, stupid." - Alex Trebek

A Brand New Day

Today is not a brand new day. Today is the next day, building off of what has happened ever since I developed consciousness. Like a stack of twenty-something year old legos. It's not forgive and forget with me. If you piss me off today, tomorrow I'll still be mad at you. Passive aggressively, of course, but still mad. What I mean is that I tend to hold grudges. I'm like a hoarder of grudges in that respect. My house is full of old newspapers, dead cats, and grudges. Just kidding, there's no old newspapers. 

You know the saying "It's not personal, it's business," right? Personally, that makes no sense. It has to be somewhat personal. You can't keep screwing someone over and expect them to just shrug it off. Eventually, they are going to want you to buy them dinner. With dessert. None of that decaf coffee, either. Like a slice of cheesecake or apple pie. Real dessert. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't piss me off because I'm like 9/11: I never forget. (Too soon?)

Life's a Pitch

Do you know what I just did? I did something that I'm guessing none of you has done. I pitched a TV show to NBC as part of their Comedy Playground campaign. From May 1st through June 30th, any random screw-up (that's me) could pitch a TV show to NBC. I went with an idea about caddying, something that I have been doing a lot and am always happy to make fun of. There is a large cast of characters who will wait and wait and wait to caddy, while they get to know each other along the way. I'm excited and nervous about it. I'll either hear back from them, or I won't, but I'm glad that I did it. It was definitely an experience. I would love to write a TV show. That's one of my life goals. That and getting on a game show. Oooh! Maybe I can write a TV show about a game show. OK, I feel myself starting to ramble. Ahh! It's about all of the stage hands who work at Jeopardy. Then, one day, one of them finds out that he is a twin when someone who looks like him shows up. It'll be called "Double Jeopardy." I know, it's rough still. I'll work on it. 

¡Vamos a jugar el fútbol!

USA! USA! USA! USA! GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! VIVA LA AMERICA!

It's that time of the year again, people. It happens once every four years. No, it's not a leap day. It's more of a leap of faith day because of the betting. It's the time of year when everyone suddenly starts caring about soccer. Everyone is now an expert about the sport. Ask them. They'll tell you. I personally have a lot of respect for soccer. I appreciate any sport where you have time to sit down and tie your shoe, as well as go for the Golden Globe of the Sports Injuries category (I think that's what a yellow card is). Up until two weeks ago, most people thought a sweeper was a Mexican guy with a mop at a Chipotle. Imagine their surprise when they found out that it was a Mexican guy with a soccer ball.

Soccer is kind of amazing to watch, with its huge test of endurance and impressive ball handling skills. Speaking of endurance and ball handling, many women seem to be enamored by soccer players. You know, I played soccer when I was young, but stopped for the same reason everyone else did; I couldn't afford the oranges anymore. I'm rooting for the USA because I'm patriotic and all of the other good teams have lost. Don't worry, I'll be following it closely, or more closely than I have before, which is not at all.

Now, many people think soccer is boring. I have a solution to that problem. Let's take the ball and squish it into a prolate spheroid. Let's give all of the players pads and helmets. Instead of just using feet, let's allow people to use hands. Let's call a lot penalties and stop the clock often. Oh no! Wait! That's football. Sorry.

5 to 9

I believe that everyone figures out what they want to be in life between ages 5 and 9, specifically about age 7. It's weird how it happens, but it just does. So you might say that, from 5 to 9, we all know what we want to do from 9 to 5. Ha ha, you're very clever. That's funny. But go ahead, ask a 7 year old what they want to do with their life. If you can get them to focus, they might actually tell you something realistic, aside from being a cowboy, an astronaut, or a trial lawyer. So you're asking me, "Charlie, at age 7 did you know you wanted to be a comedian?" Good question. No, I did not. I wanted to be a writer. I had ideas for stories and comics, but I couldn't get anything started. Or more appropriately finished. Over the years, I abandoned those ideas to fall back on my strengths, like math. I'm really good at math. You can count on it. And science. I know science write down to the molecule. And sucking up to teachers. They all adored me, and most still do. 

So now I've got a fancy degree from a fancy university. I couldn't be farther from writing if I was trapped on a desert island naked. Now, during college, I struggled a lot at first (one, two, many Hawaiian beers - keg beer chased with Hawaiian Punch), but as my liver devolved, my sense of humor evolved like a level 36 Charmeleon, cracking smart-as-a-whip, fiery hot jokes with a quick attack. And it was then that I realized what I could write. Comedy. And I liked it. A lot. It's very rewarding to have someone laugh at what you say or write. Some people want to change the world. I just want to make you forget about the world for a couple of seconds. You can either continue worrying, or you can view the world through my sarcastic, jaded, "I'm 22 but the world owes me a Cadillac" persona that you've come to know and love. I'm just here to be silly, have fun, and be happy, no matter how cliche that sounds. Because life is short. Our time is borrowed, like a loan. And you can take those two things to the bank.

I'm Wet

I'm wet!! And not in the "good way." I happened to be outside today when I nearly drowned (on land). I have to imagine this is what bugs feel like when it rains. Just being covered, head to thorax, in water. I mean, it was so much water that I thought I was being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher. I almost asked where the camera men were. It's too much water when my underwear is soaking wet. And it's also too much information. I stepped through a puddle that was so big it covered my shoes completely. I couldn't see my feet. I aced the wet t-shirt contest. (I also won the wet socks, wet shoes, wet shorts, wet underwear, wet wallet, and wet skin contest) My out-of--shape torso was outlined perfectly, or at least as well as an out-of-shape torso can be outlined. To make a long story short, everything was wet. But, I'm alive. To quote one of my favorite movies, Jumanji: "Well,a little rain never hurt anybody." "Yeah, but a lot can kill you!"