Ever since I was young, my grandmother has, at some point, on every occasion that I've seen her, asked me "Whose nose do you have?" I have always replied "I don't know. I'm Jewish, is that it?" and shrugged it off while laughing uneasily. But recently, my answer has become "I don't know, but whomever it belongs to can have it back!" I don't want it. It does not work. And I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Nothing has fixed it. I knew I shouldn't have called the Genius Bar. That's when I said something smells funny, and that's why I had it looked at by a professional, instead of my grandmother and a fat hipster.

It turns out that I have a "horribly deviated septum" and a collapsed left valve. It's not your standard deviation (Get it?), but it gets the job done. My nose is crooked. I mean, my nose swings farther left than Barack Obama. And it's got a bigger bump than a 38 week pregnant woman. I'm still not fully convinced that my nose isn't slowly imploding into my face like a demolished building, eventually resembling that of Lord Voldemort's nose, or lack there of. Long story short, I can't breathe. And I feel the need, the need to breathe.

But this problem is actually more serious than a modified quote from the movie Need for Speed. I need to get it fixed, whatever the cost. I don't mean to sound stuffy (*heavy breathing* *heavy breathing*), but it's becoming a real problem. If I didn't know any better, I would think that I do lines of coke in my sleep because my nose just starts bleeding in the night, and I wake up all congested and dry. Plus, the deceased hooker next to me in bed is literally a dead giveaway.

I'm scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. I have many questions: Will it work? Will I sound different? Will my face change shape? Who "nose." (Ha!) Hopefully, I will be able to breathe easy, in more ways than one. (Two ways) If not, well, it'll make for a funny story. (Remember that one time when I had surgery on my nose.? I now keep it in a jar next to my bed. The nostrils are getting wider every day...) Listen, I'm just seizing the opportunity, you know, Carpe Septum! Because I can't let it fall away. It's nothing to turn my nose up at.

How am I doing? You waited this long to ask how I am doing? That's a little nosy of you, don't you think? Well. I'm fine. Just a little nervous. I have some nose shaped butterflies in my stomach. It is surgery, after all. I will be asleep while they do it, which is why I believe they schedule it for so early in the morning, when I'm already half asleep. A perfect fit. Other than that, it's pretty routine. Maybe I'll get some sweet pain killers. (I'm an entrepreneur, after all.) I'll try to post next week, amid the haze of medication. No promises. Smell ya later.