MTV's VMAs

In honor of last night's VMAs, I thought I might do something fun. I'm going to pitch some alternate names for the show, because Video Music Awards seems outdated, especially since the people who run MTV may or may not know what a music video is. 

1. Disney XXX: The Musical

2. Miley's Twerkfest of Horror

3. 'N Sync: The Reunion Show

4.  One Direction's Big Surprise Award Show

5. The Roast of Pop Culture

I mean, these are just a few of my names for it. You can call it what you want, but it wasn't pretty. I just don't know. Catch ya next week. 

Mosquitoes Bite!

I'm itching to get something off of my chest. Actually, it's more like both ankles, my left leg, and both arms. It would appear as though mosquitoes find me almost as delicious as old people did when I was a baby. All I have to do is merely open a door to the outside and the mosquitoes are on me like white on rice. I'm not worried about diseases, since I Googled mosquito bites on Web.MD and found that its probably cancer. Maybe. The thing is, I'm really itchy. Yeezus Christ, they got both ankles and arms. I didn't even stand a chance. Never saw them coming. Or going. Missed them both times. Sneaky cold blooded blood suckers. Screw them. 

I don't mean to seem so angry about mosquitoes, but it's annoying. I read this Twitter post recently that cheered me up, though. It was: 

"I killed a mosquito in my room last night, and I fear that, for the rest of my life, I'll always be chasing that high."

I can't say who wrote it, but I bet people say he's funny. 

Song of the Summer

Guys, I'm trying to hone in on the song of the summer. So far, I've got it narrowed down to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" and Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines." Let me go over some facts that may help you choose between the two songs.  

Get Lucky: 

• It was originally entitled "Up All Night", but later changed so as to not be associated with anything that One Direction has done. 
• When asked how they got Pharrell Williams to collaborate, Daft Punk said "_____ ___ __ ______ __________ ___ ____ ______."
• The song took 18 months to complete because nobody could agree about the appropriate number of times to repeat the line "We're up all night to get lucky." They finally settled on a reasonable 36 times. 

Blurred Lines:

• Two different music videos were made for this song: one that was not show able on YouTube, and one where all of the girls are topless. 
• When asked how he got Pharrell Williams to collaborate, Robin Thicke said "I heard this guy was working with Daft Punk on a new song and I figured they wouldn't say anything if I used him too." 
• An exclusive early version of the song features the lyrics "You wanna hug me/ Hey, hey, hey/ What rhymes with hug me?/ Hey, hey, hey/ Now this will bug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ No son, don't tug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ This hole I've dug me/ Hey, hey, hey/ Maybe I'll plug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ Hey fans don't mug me./ Hey, hey, hey/ What rhymes with hug me?" Most of this was later cut so that the song makes more sense. 

OK, now you should have enough to decide. Please help me out. I'm really struggling here. Hey, maybe we can combine them into one big mash up, That would be cool, I think. Someone do that. Thanks.  

#SharkGeek

Can you believe it's August already? I sure can't (*wink*). But guess what? It's SharkWeek on the Discovery Channel and GeekWeek on YouTube. This is the first time they coincide since this is the first GeekWeek ever. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain myself. Sharks are meat eating fish that live in the ocean and sometimes in a tornado. Geeks are meat eating people who live in houses and sometimes study tornadoes. Good things are happening on both fronts, so check them out. I'll be keeping an eye on both. If sharks scare you, don't go swimming anymore. If geeks scare you, grab your inhaler and take a deep breath, it'll be ok. But I'm convinced that it will be fun and exciting to observe geeks and sharks in their natural habitats. So go forth and geek-out about sharks..... or shark-out about geeks. Your call. 

This Instant, Right Now

We live in a world where everything is "Now! Now! Now!" You know "Do this for me now!" and "Serve me my food now!" or "Ring up my copy of Now, That's What I Call Music 83 now!" It's both overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes, I'm more confused than a TV binge-viewer with a year subscription to Netflix. "Breaking Bad or Mad Men? Breaking Bad or Mad Men!!!? No, wait! Orange is the New Black!" We are all just products of this time period where everything is available whenever we want. I think back to the good 'ole days, like the early 2000's, when we actually had to wait for things to happen each week. And if you missed something? Oh, heaven forbid that happened! You'd better hope the VCR recorded it. Now, if we miss something, we say, "Maybe, if I hurry, I can catch it on YouTube before the copyright people get to it, wah, wah, wah!" Shut up!! It sickens me. Where's the surprise? It feels like too much a lot of the time. I don't know, maybe I'm rambling. I apologize. I'm gonna go back to refreshing twitter every ten seconds. Thanks for reading this this instant, right now. 

Hot and Bothered

Well, we did it! We got through the heat wave. If you live on the east coast, then you know what hot is lately. To be fair, if you live on the west coast you know what hot is too, but I think it's a little different. Dryer, less humid. The east coast is lush, like a can of peas, but very humid. As I waved goodbye to the heat wave today, I said to myself, "Phew, I'm glad that's over, now it will just rain a lot." The guy next to me asked me what I meant, and I shut up and quickly walked away feeling embarrassed. But what did I mean? I'm glad that temperatures will be in the 80's instead of the 90's. Last week, it was so hot you could have fried an egg on the side of my face. I considered laying outside on my stomach and frying bacon on my back, you know, kill two birds with one greasy stone as the saying goes. Didn't do it; too messy and involved for my amount of lethargy. But alas, this week will be cooler, and not just because of the normal coolness that radiates off of me like x-rays from the sun or the Bay Rays from their dugout for all of you baseball fans out there. Listen, comfortable weather is fine with me. So I'll be here next week, cool as a cucumber in 85 degree weather, or in other words, warm. 

25 States

If you ask my opinion (and I know you always do), there should be less states. 50 is a lot to keep track of. Who has the time? Not me. Below is my list of 25 states, each one a combination of two separate states. Be advised that the states need not border each other. 

Florizona, Ohawaii, Alaskansas, Ioregon, Nouth Carolina, Sorth Dakota, Calindiana, Texabama, Mainesachusetts, Arkansota, Nebraskentucky, Vermontana, New Mexicolorado, Virgeorgia, Wyomissouri, Marylaware, Tennessippi, Utaho, West Pennsylvirginia, Illinevada, Wisconnecticut, New Washingtork, New Hampshey, Rhode Islouisiana, Michisouri

I don't know about you, but next week I'm moving to New Hampshey. 

Monday, Monday

If you're like me, and let's assume for the sake of argument that you are, then you may be displeased with the fact that I have missed a couple of Mondays this summer, Mondays on which you did not get to bask and relish in the subtle wit and genius that is my style of writing on here.  I realize that I may be letting down a few of my readers by not posting every week, but hey, nobody's perfect. My other two readers get that. It has been hard this summer for me to get to the computer every Monday. So what I'm saying is that it may be more sporadic this summer than I previously anticipated. Do not fear, though. I will be posting things and making things and writing things, just not always on Monday. After all, people say I'm funny and I can't afford to disappoint those whom regard me as such a prevailing force in the field of blogging, and basically, the world wide web in general. My iconic cultural presence shall not be sullied. I will not stand for it. I may, however, sit for it. Think about that one, if you can find the time.    

Number Order

Here's a preview I read for a movie coming out later this year. Sounds like a good one!

In a world, where one man has two families, with three and four kids, respectively, there exist five men who will stop at nothing to strike him dead. And they don't care how the job gets done. Receiver of six Oscar nominations and seven indie film nods, this movie is one you can count on. Eight reviews give it a nine stars out ten, and are quoted as saying things like "Nothing seemed to add up, but then I watched the ending," and "At first, I was unsure of what the screwdriver was for, but then they showed us, and the payoff was big." So be sure to go out and see the movie everyone will be talking about. Number Order, Rated PG-13, coming to theaters 11/12/13. 

Fan Mail

Posted by KeyboardShark69:

Dear Idiot, 

Hey, where was Monday's post? I end up on this website once a week to take in reliable, mediocre at best humor on any stupid topic you choose. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon this site and found nothing good (kind of like every week, except this week even less). I was very disappointed in you. Step up your game or you may lose a follower, which I'm pretty  sure you can't afford to do. I'll be waiting for your next slip up. 

My response: 

Dear KeyboardShark69,  

I sincerely apologize for causing you to expect anything from me. The truth is things got busy and I wasn't able to provide you this free content that you've come to rely on for a laugh, even if it is very briefly and through your nose. I encourage you to keep reading and don't worry, my game will be stepped up from here on out. Not sure how my writing will be, but my game will be good. 

Charlie

P.S. Were the first 68 KeyboardShark names taken?