One Year

Ok. If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, thank you. If you haven't been reading this blog from the beginning, thank you also because you are reading now. I've been doing this for a year. So let me tell you what it means to me. This blog is a way for me to take something that I think is funny during the week, and turn it into a small piece of writing. Then, I show you because I figure if it makes me laugh, it may make someone else laugh too. You don't have to “get” all of the posts; that's not the point. We as humans connect differently with everything that we encounter. If I see a flower on the grass, I'm going to walk by it, unaffected. But someone else may pick it up and smell it. You get the point, right? Good.

Now, I like writing something each week and then seeing what it ends up looking like. A lot of what I have are some short monologues. Sometimes, I wrote a conversation. Whatever the case, it is all infused with my version of wit and sarcasm. Whether that's funny or just plain stupid, well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

One thing that I've learned is that writing is good but I can create video and audio content and post it to this blog and around the internet. You may remember when I tried to explain the history of the world. That was fun, and I would like to do more. I'd like to keep this blog going. It's great practice for me. So now I'm going to try some voice work, between story time and the radio show.

The following is the first episode of story time. You may recognize some familiar voices. Note: I do not have the pull to actually get the celebrities reading the story. Spoiler Alert: it’s me doing impressions.

Happy Halloween!

Boo! Halloween is a scary time when people are tricking and/or treating you into eating candy and getting diabetes. Scary, campy movies about scary camps are on TV. This is the one time a year when you are expected to feed everyone else’s kids. It’s like, “I don’t even feed my own kids, why should I feed everyone else’s? Go home!!” But, nevertheless, we deal with it the best way we can, by buying jumbo bags of bite size candy and rotting the teeth of our future. But also, it’s a time for ghost stories and funny costumes. Want to hear a ghost story?

A man is trapped in the basement. “Let me out,” he yells. No answer. Just then, he hears a crackling noise from behind the door. It opens slowly, and the light blinds him in his eyeballs. Standing in the doorway is a small child. "What’s your name?” the man asks. The kid smiles ominously, laughs, and runs away. Standing behind that kid is an even smaller child, who falls over and begins to cry. The man picks the child up and quickly realizes that this kid is not his own. I could get into trouble for kidnapping, he thinks. The child begins to fall asleep. "Ahhh," he yells. "This kid is napping!" He tosses the child onto the couch, runs out of the house and into the street, where he is run over by a bicycle, with nobody riding it. Ooooh, oooooooh.

That was fun. Happy Halloween.

P.S. - This was the 52^nd  week that I’ve posted something. Next week, I will be celebrating the one-year anniversary (which I think is the silver anniversary). Stay tuned. 

Quit it with the Quidditch

I walked by a game of Quidditch yesterday (not Quids itch, like this stupid autocorrect  wants to write). No, I wasn't at Hogwarts, if that’s what you were thinking. I was right here in America. People were flying around on brooms and passing quaffles back and forth. In fact, one guy just stopped in midair, quaffle in hand, and hesitated throwing it. He waffled with a quaffle...
Nah, I'm just shitting you, the people weren't actually flying around because that’s impossible. And I think they were using volleyballs. And the snitch was just a guy running around telling on people, who the players had to catch and beat up. That's the problem with muggles today. They are all just copycats. What, just because the wizards and witches come up with an enchanting game that has a lot of charm and excitement, the muggles can't let them have this one thing? Don't muggles have everything else, like equality and freedom? I think if we let them take this, we are sending the message that whatever genius idea wizards and witches come up with for fun is public domain, free for the taking and franchising. That's why I am petitioning to create the Magical Understanding of Good Games License Entitlement Act, or M.U.G.G.L.E. Act, in order to protect the wizarding world from such blatant and inexcusable theft and ruination of such a classic and beloved sport. Because the wizarding world doesn't have too much, and it's high time we fixed that. I mean we are already making them use a fraction of our train station platforms. So if you're with me, let's get equality for all by being all for equality. (Mudbloods need not apply)

Definitive Answers

If you ended up watching the Vice Presidential Debate last Thursday, I'm willing to bet you were confused, not just because there was a woman moderating and politics is a man's job, but also because the terms that were thrown around were unfamiliar to the general public. I will help you out and define some of the unclear words and phrases used below:

1. Malarkey - see bunch of stuff
2. Bunch of Stuff - (Irish in origin) see Malarkey
3. 47% - the amount of the way down the forehead that Paul Ryan's widow's peak extends
4. My Friend - my enemy, Paul Ryan
5. I've Got a Bridge to Sell You - the conditions in Scranton are so bad that people there are actually trying to sell away their useless, run down bridges.
6. Overseas - across Lake Superior
7. Calendar Year - Spring, Summer, Fall, in that order, the same way every year (Paul Ryan does not believe in winter)
8. Specifics - broad, off-topic statements

Hopefully, this clears up some of the confusion. Happy voting!!

NBC's New Hit Show

Hey, did anyone catch that new sitcom that aired last Wednesday night at 9 on NBC? You know, the one where the out of touch white guy and the distracted black guy roomed together at the University of Denver? And they brought along their wacky older friend, but they only kept him around so they could make fun of him. You saw it, right? It was filmed in front of a live studio audience, so they didn't need to overtax a laugh track. I know you saw it. The dialogue was well written and zingers were exchanged between both of the guys. I think it was called Head of the Middle Class, or Saved by the Liberty Bell: The College Years. It's always fun to watch the two of them play off of each other. They get into trouble and then talk their way out of it. Now that I think about it, was it called The West Wing of the Commons? I can't remember. Anyway, overall I thought the show was good. I hope they don't cancel it after three episodes. Wait! Hold on a second! I'm being told it was the first of the Presidential Debates. That was a Presidential Debate? Huh? That's debatable.

That Was Random, Wasn't It?

I roll with a small crew; I say roll because I'm usually the third wheel. Now, the crew is very interesting, if you consider people who aren't interesting interesting. But small company is good company, right? Wrong. I don't like it. It needs to change. And so I've expanded my crew to a new, larger one. Crew 2.0, I guess. But really, I'm no longer the third wheel, now I'm the 14th wheel in an 18 wheel tanker barreling down the highway at the speed of life. Not really life it the fast lane, as trucks aren't allowed in the fast lane. It's just nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. So go out and tackle life on the one yard line. But not when the refs are looking. A week ago you would have been OK, but not now. Since your still reading, I'll leave you with this: If at first you don't succeed, give up and move on. You'll save time and effort.

Spin-offs

I recently found out that 1 more person reads this blog, so it's pretty safe to say that it has become a well known reference in pop-culture.  What's next, you ask? Why, rhyming spin-offs of course! Let me know if any of these interest you:

People Say I'ts Sunny - pictures of the sun
People Don't Say I'm Funny - different angry comments from individual blog posts
People Say I'm Punny - all puns about various topics
Look, There's A Bunny - pictures of rabbits
People Like To Make Money - list of different career possibilities depending on your interests
Hey, What's Up Sonny? - old people giving advice to young people
My Nose Is A Bit Runny - self diagnosing WebMD blog

These may or may not develop. Most likely they won't. But it would be cool if they did. Probably not.

That's Not What I Thought it Was Going to Be

If you had told me ten years ago that I would write a blog, I would've said "Who are you?" and "Why are you talking to me?".


The outcome to this joke may not have been what you expected at first. But that's just a part of life. Expect the unexpected. That's this week's lesson. Also, keep it short. Happy Citizenship Day!

A Case of the Mondays

You know, it's just been one of those days. The very day I set out to help you get through has happened to me. The thing about Mondays is that you know exactly when they are coming, and yet they somehow manage to sneak up on you. So, it's very important that we all take the time to chuckle a little bit.

My words tend to run together. Oh great, just another group I'm not apart of.

Ya, see. I exercised a play on words and a pun. That's what I'm talking about.
See you next week.

Q&A with Labor Day

Charlie: Thank you, Labor Day, for sitting down and talking with me.
Labor Day: My pleasure, Charlie. Nobody is at work today, anyway.
Charlie: That's because we are celebrating you.
Labor Day: (Laughs).
Charlie: Now, how did you come about?
Labor Day: Well, in 1882, two men were credited with adopting the idea of me, which nowadays wouldn't be weird at all, but back then was unheard of.
Charlie: And where did you get your start?
Labor Day: Well, in 1887, Oregon made me a holiday first, and then I was made federal in 1894, when everyone jumped on the bandwagon. Not one of the Oregon Trail's bandwagons, though.
Charlie: Ah. And so what do you stand for?
Labor Day: I celebrate the economic and social contributions of workers. And that's why people are off work and given this joyous day reflection about their jobs. Some people do this year round on unemployment, except without the joyous part.
Charlie: Yeah, I've heard of that, but I don't want to start talking politics. How should we celebrate you?
Labor Day: Well, there are lots of ways. You could rest, throw a party, play golf, shop for things on sale; I mean, the list goes on and on.
Charlie: If a store has a sale, doesn't that mean people are working?
Labor Day: No. Oh wait. Yeah. Huh, it's kind of like a Catch-22 percent off. (Laughs)
Charlie: Ha, ha. Now, I have to bring this up. Some people hate you because you mark the unofficial end to summer. What do you have to say to that?
Labor Day: Summer ends when schools start up, not because of me. Take that up with the government.
Charlie: Ok, ok, no politics. So, do you have anything else to say?
Labor Day: Um, yeah, just Happy Me and don't wear white anymore. I'm ready for football, are you? Hey, if that's work, sign me up!
Charlie: Ha, yes, well thank you again for talking with me.
Labor Day: No problem. Now get back to work.