Stalker Pick-Up Lines

Hey, stalker's are people too! We just don't see them everyday (But they see us!). And occasionally, they need help picking up women (and then never letting go). So, I've taken it upon myself to help these unseen heroes out. Anyone can use these lines, but they will only work in certain situations.

Did it hurt? When you tripped outside your house this morning. Hi, my name is...
Are your legs tired? Because you've been running past my car every morning this week. Hi, my name is...
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? It's like love at tenth sight for me. Hi, my name is...
Do you have a band aid? I scraped my knee when I fell, out of the tree next to your room, for you. Hi, my name is...

I have no clue what these line's success rates are, but they probably aren't good. So take it or leave.

A Stroke of Genius

Let me describe a typical day of golf. I step up to the practice range so I can get all of the good shots out of my system. I really want to immerse myself in nature and explore every acre of the course. Then I'm ready to tee it up.  My driver usually goes about 30 feet. Then i have to go pick it up and try again. I can hit the ball 200 to 250. Yards? No, feet. On my next shot, I have to either play over the tree or chip to the fairway. I decide to go over the tree. That doesn't work. I take a mulligan. I chip to the fairway. I bring out the fairway wood. I can usually hit the ball 150 to 200 with this club. Feet?  No, inches because I hit the ground behind the ball. Then I play it safe and iron it to the edge of the green. Here I proceed to chip over the green and then onto the green. Putting usually takes about 2 or 3 shots. When I'm all done eighteen holes, I'm tired and and frustrated. But, for some crazy reason, I want to come back and play again. Golf is the only sport I know that both relieves and creates stress. I always feel relaxed on the course but stressed that I am a not doing well. It's a love/hate relationship. I love it; it hates me.

Spring Cleaning

These are a bunch of short jokes I had lying around:

I'm not going to call myself a nerd, even though I enjoyed school... when I wasn't being shoved into lockers.
Don't read between the lines. I haven't proofread that part yet.
I don't feel the need to practice religion. I like to approach everything I do with a certain level of mediocrity. Just like sports.
I don't play by anybody's rules but my own. And that's probably why I always lose.
I'm a bit of a heavy sleeper, to put it lightly.
I hate betting against myself because when I lose I have to write myself an IOME.
I need to learn how to use abbreviations ASAP        
I don't normally take breaks, but when I do, I prefer Spring Break.



How I Imagine Websites Were Named

Nobody knows how some websites were named. I mean, my blog name is pretty self explanatory, but what about other sites, specifically social media? Here's how I imagine a few being named, if each one were named by a douche-bag.

Pinterest:
Guy 1: What should we call it? It's a place where everyone can show what they like right now.
Douche-bag: You mean Facebook?
Guy 2: No. A place where everyone can post pictures and chat with friends.
Douche-bag: You mean Facebook?
Guy 1: No, where people can show each other what peaks their interest.
Douche-bag: You mean what eaks their pinterest, am I right? Hey, let's call it Pinterest.
Guy 2: Ok, yeah, sure.

Google+:
Guy 1: Ok, so Google's social media site should be called...?
Guy 2: There's a formula, right? It's Google with something else after it.
Guy1: Ok, so Google plus what? Google plus...
Douche-bag: How about just Google Plus? Except the plus is an actual plus sign. And sometimes we'll cal it G plus. And let's make it invite only.
Guy 1: Ok, sounds good.

MySpace:
Girl : We need a place where we all can hang out online.
Guy: Ok, let's give everyone their own account.
Girl: Like a place for each of us to call our own?
Guy: Sure, we will each have our own space.
Douche-bag: My space will be better than your space. Hey, let's name the site after my space, just because it's awesome.
Guy and Girl: Uhhh.........Ok.


Basketball

I tried out for the basketball team in ninth grade. Now I know what you're thinking, you must have made the team, Charlie, you look like you have raw talent. Well, that's exactly my problem I don't know how to cook my talent. Because let me tell you it sure as hell doesn't work raw. But I actually did make the team as a point guard. No literally I was tasked with the guarding the points because the coaches offered me the position of manager. Come to think of it, I think that was a made up position. Shouldn't the coaches manage the team? What are they being paid for? Anyway I respectively declined their offer. It would have been a big commitment that I wasn't ready for. Kind of like playing on the team. But I had to try out out. You know, YOLO... (you only lay-up once).

Call Me Lazy

First, I would like to say Happy Easter and Happy Passover. Next, it's time for another song parody. This time, I took Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" and changed it a bit. This is mostly in response to the people who say I'm funny because they also say I'm lazy.

I woke up around twelve,
Don't ask why, I’m just myself
I look like crap and really smell,
and a shower might me okay.

I microwave a pasta dish,
Someone’s help is my wish
I didn’t want to do this,
but where is everyone today?

My chair is golden, Pimped xbox, skin is glowin’
Hot night, skills are flowin’
What you think I’m being, lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
don’t call me lazy?

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to persuade me,
but I’m not social,
Don’t call me lazy?

At my job I don’t answer calls,
I don’t file papers in office stalls
I give my boss nothing at all,
but still, I get by okay,

I sit, and focus my will
At first try work is evil
I didn't know I would hear it,
but I heard my xbox say

My chair is golden, Pimped xbox, skin is glowin’
Hot night, skills are flowin’
What you think I’m being, lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
don’t call me lazy?

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
I’m in a snuggie,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to bathe me,
but I’m not dirty,
Don’t call me lazy?

Before you judge me about life
I think you should know
I think you should know
I think you should, should know

I don’t yet have a wife
I think you should know
And it’s ok to do that
I think you should, should know

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to persuade me,
but I’m not social,
Don’t call me lazy?

Before you judge me about life
I think you should know
I think you should know
I think you should, should know

I don’t yet have a wife
I think you should know
And it’s ok to do that

Don’t call me lazy?

Too Hot to Handle

The hottest new gadget is the iPad 3. Apple's latest version has an all new retina display and a faster processor but has sparked a heated debate. One complaint is that the iPad can reach a temperature of 116 degrees. If you thought it was hot in the Apple Store before, just wait until you go in there now. I figured out the problem and resolved it. I keep mine in the freezer. There are new apps built in, such as iHeater and iHotpad. These allow you to keep warm while on the go and maybe boil water for tea. The bad thing was, though, that I plugged mine into my iHome and it burned the iHome down. I'm just lucky that I have iHomeowner's insurance! Anyway, join me next week when I discuss another popular device, Amazon's Kindle Fire.

But I'm Not On Twitter!!


Last week I tweeted from a Greyhound. Understanding it involves knowing what twitter is and how it is utilized. But what if you’re not on twitter? My advice, then, would be to get on twitter. If you really don’t want to and don’t consider everyone’s thoughts and actions important, then I will talk about something you do consider important: Facebook. See if you like any of these statements.

Facebook, where everyone is witty and clever.
Facebook, where a status is judged by how many likes it gets.
Facebook, where making friends only takes one click.
Facebook, the website you were just on.
Facebook, where a couple song lyrics sum up your life.
Facebook, where people can see the writing on the wall.
Facebook, where relationships are made official.
Facebook, where writing on another person’s wall isn’t vandalism.
Facebook, where you can own a farm that doesn’t need to be reported on a tax form.
Facebook, where the only way to put things that aren’t pictures into a photo album is to take a picture of them. 

Tweets From a Greyhound

I was wondering what to write about this week. Then, I got on a greyhound bus, and said this is great material. So I thought of some tweets that I would write from the bus. Here they are.

I sat down, then changed my seat with someone else #nicepeopleproblems

@BusDriver45 When will the bus leave? #stillsittinghere

I bet the megabus doesn't have screaming children #mommymommy

It looks like a Walmart in here #riverpeople

Just woke up from a nap, when will my leg wake up? #pinsandneedles

@HighSchool I think my Spanish would come in handy right now... #elbusdegreyhound

Seriously though, where is this kid's mom? #mommymommy

Getting off of the bus, which suitcase is mine? #homeatlast

Sorry, wrong suitcase #classicCharlie