Basketball

I tried out for the basketball team in ninth grade. Now I know what you're thinking, you must have made the team, Charlie, you look like you have raw talent. Well, that's exactly my problem I don't know how to cook my talent. Because let me tell you it sure as hell doesn't work raw. But I actually did make the team as a point guard. No literally I was tasked with the guarding the points because the coaches offered me the position of manager. Come to think of it, I think that was a made up position. Shouldn't the coaches manage the team? What are they being paid for? Anyway I respectively declined their offer. It would have been a big commitment that I wasn't ready for. Kind of like playing on the team. But I had to try out out. You know, YOLO... (you only lay-up once).

Call Me Lazy

First, I would like to say Happy Easter and Happy Passover. Next, it's time for another song parody. This time, I took Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" and changed it a bit. This is mostly in response to the people who say I'm funny because they also say I'm lazy.

I woke up around twelve,
Don't ask why, I’m just myself
I look like crap and really smell,
and a shower might me okay.

I microwave a pasta dish,
Someone’s help is my wish
I didn’t want to do this,
but where is everyone today?

My chair is golden, Pimped xbox, skin is glowin’
Hot night, skills are flowin’
What you think I’m being, lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
don’t call me lazy?

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to persuade me,
but I’m not social,
Don’t call me lazy?

At my job I don’t answer calls,
I don’t file papers in office stalls
I give my boss nothing at all,
but still, I get by okay,

I sit, and focus my will
At first try work is evil
I didn't know I would hear it,
but I heard my xbox say

My chair is golden, Pimped xbox, skin is glowin’
Hot night, skills are flowin’
What you think I’m being, lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
don’t call me lazy?

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
I’m in a snuggie,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to bathe me,
but I’m not dirty,
Don’t call me lazy?

Before you judge me about life
I think you should know
I think you should know
I think you should, should know

I don’t yet have a wife
I think you should know
And it’s ok to do that
I think you should, should know

It's hard to stay awake,
Gettin’ hazy,
I’m in a slumber,
Don’t call me lazy?

Hey, just sitting here,
Doesn’t phase me,
So I’m gonna do it,
Don’t call me lazy?

And all the other people,
try to persuade me,
but I’m not social,
Don’t call me lazy?

Before you judge me about life
I think you should know
I think you should know
I think you should, should know

I don’t yet have a wife
I think you should know
And it’s ok to do that

Don’t call me lazy?

Too Hot to Handle

The hottest new gadget is the iPad 3. Apple's latest version has an all new retina display and a faster processor but has sparked a heated debate. One complaint is that the iPad can reach a temperature of 116 degrees. If you thought it was hot in the Apple Store before, just wait until you go in there now. I figured out the problem and resolved it. I keep mine in the freezer. There are new apps built in, such as iHeater and iHotpad. These allow you to keep warm while on the go and maybe boil water for tea. The bad thing was, though, that I plugged mine into my iHome and it burned the iHome down. I'm just lucky that I have iHomeowner's insurance! Anyway, join me next week when I discuss another popular device, Amazon's Kindle Fire.

But I'm Not On Twitter!!


Last week I tweeted from a Greyhound. Understanding it involves knowing what twitter is and how it is utilized. But what if you’re not on twitter? My advice, then, would be to get on twitter. If you really don’t want to and don’t consider everyone’s thoughts and actions important, then I will talk about something you do consider important: Facebook. See if you like any of these statements.

Facebook, where everyone is witty and clever.
Facebook, where a status is judged by how many likes it gets.
Facebook, where making friends only takes one click.
Facebook, the website you were just on.
Facebook, where a couple song lyrics sum up your life.
Facebook, where people can see the writing on the wall.
Facebook, where relationships are made official.
Facebook, where writing on another person’s wall isn’t vandalism.
Facebook, where you can own a farm that doesn’t need to be reported on a tax form.
Facebook, where the only way to put things that aren’t pictures into a photo album is to take a picture of them. 

Tweets From a Greyhound

I was wondering what to write about this week. Then, I got on a greyhound bus, and said this is great material. So I thought of some tweets that I would write from the bus. Here they are.

I sat down, then changed my seat with someone else #nicepeopleproblems

@BusDriver45 When will the bus leave? #stillsittinghere

I bet the megabus doesn't have screaming children #mommymommy

It looks like a Walmart in here #riverpeople

Just woke up from a nap, when will my leg wake up? #pinsandneedles

@HighSchool I think my Spanish would come in handy right now... #elbusdegreyhound

Seriously though, where is this kid's mom? #mommymommy

Getting off of the bus, which suitcase is mine? #homeatlast

Sorry, wrong suitcase #classicCharlie

Dressed to Chill

I have to admit that I buy clothing based on two things: price and comfort. However, I shop for clothing at Wal-Mart and Target, so I guess I'm actually just worried about comfort. Comfort for me and comfort for you, so you are not made uncomfortable by staring at me naked. And so I would like to say that my style is unique. In high school, I wore sweatpants every day with a long sleeve shirt. It didn't always match, but at least I was comfortable. However, people in my school were so eager to point that out to me. I heard "Charlie your clothes clash" and "why do you always wear sweatpants?" And that was just the teachers. My friends noticed my clothes too. Now I wear khakis and long sleeve shirts. I know everyone wears jeans but they aren't comfortable for me. In fact I have sort of a “No Denim Allowed” policy (sorry Jay Leno!) Now I know nothing about fashion (remember I shop at Wal-Mart and Target), so don't bother me about it. It's not like I only wear one color, let's call it red. Came you imagine how lame that would be? Only wearing red, what a loser!

Update!!

So, I recently talked to the people who say I'm funny. They still say that, but they also have some other views. I agree with them on the next few things. They say that this blog is corny, stupid, script-like, better if it was said aloud by me, and monotone. The monotone is more about me in person, rather than the writing. So, in order to make things a little better, I will be making video segments, and showing them here. I don't know when or how many, but they will start to show up in the next few weeks. I'm taking this blog to the next level by changing the b in blog to a v. Now its also a vlog. This is something to look forward to and to look out for if I am as funny as people say I am.

Rolling Up Squad Deep


They say 2011 was the year of Adele, with her clean sweep of the Grammy’s in February. That’s funny, I thought it was the year of the Rabbit. And who is they? The people who say I’m funny? Because they weren’t right about that. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are right about this one. So, in a tribute to Adele, I will share my parody of Rolling In The Deep, which I call Rolling Up Squad Deep. Squad deep, as defined by the urban dictionary, means “Bringin’ ya whole crew.’ Just thought I’d let you know. 

There's a spark starting in my car
Reaching all cylinders, and it's making the engine start
Finally I can shift it into gear
Roll away and pull out while looking out the rear
See how I leave with every friend I have
Don't underestimate how well we all behave

There's a spark starting in my car
Reaching all cylinders
And it's making the engine start

The empty cars on the road all pass us
They keep me thinking of how the car is very full
The empty cars on the road leave us in the dust
I can't help feeling
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
(someone’s gonna crash, rolling up squad deep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(I’m gonna have an accident)
And I drove it down the street
(police are gonna see, rolling up squad deep)

Oh no, I have no room to move at all
I barely have a view
And I'm trying to make a turn
We drive around trying to get who knows where
Watching the gas go down
As my wallet will not be spared

The empty cars on the road all pass us
They keep me thinking of how the car is very full
The empty cars on the road leave us in the dust
I can't help feeling
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
(someone’s gonna crash, rolling up squad deep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(I’m gonna have an accident)
And I drove it down the street
(police are gonna see, rolling up squad deep)
My car is way too full
Rolling up squad deep
I stuffed my friends inside my car
And we’ve used up all the seating

We speed on through every green light
The good news is it’s 11:59 at night
I turned the car and we all started to roll
People in back went flying and to where I just don’t know

(I’m gonna have an accident)
We all started to fall
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)
We all started to fall
(You're gonna wish we had hit a tree)
And fall, and fall, and fall
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)

My car is way too full
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
Rolling up squad deep
(Tires and gonna stall, wow this hill is steep)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
And there are no empty seats
(Tires and gonna blow, screeching in the street)

My car is way too full
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
Rolling up squad deep
(Tires and gonna stall, rolling in the street)
I stuffed my friends inside my car
(You're gonna wish you never had left with me)
And we drove it
we drove it
we drove it
we drove it down the street

Also, stay tuned for an update on Thursday. :)

Double Trouble?


I have a twin brother who looks just like me (although I don't really see it!). However, we are in fact fraternal, meaning two separate seeds, two separate eggs, as opposed to a one seed, one egg freak-of-nature split (yeah I’m talking to you identical twins). In the deluxe version if this post, I have included the placenta report in an attempt to shut up the skeptics (there is no deluxe version, just take my word for it).

Let’s clear up some of the common misconceptions that have emerged over the years. Neither one of us is openly the evil twin. Get that through your head, OR ELSE!! I don't think we can communicate by thought, can we? (Hey stop thinking so loud, I'm trying to write.) If we could, I would know about it already. If you hit me, my brother doesn't feel it. You can punch me in the face until you and I are both red in the face (I'll be more of a blackish-blue red), but I can guarantee you that the only person feeling it will be me. And your hand.  Not my brother. Also, if you could refrain from looking at us as though we have two heads, I would appreciate it. I guess that’s two heads each totaling four, because we do have two heads but that's between the two of us. So that's the correct head to body ratio. You get what I'm saying. Now there's the grandest question of them all: "Who is smarter between the two of you?” Depending on which one of us you ask, you will get a different answer. I mean, we will both say I am, it's just a question of how much smarter we each think I am. I'll say a lot and he'll say a little. But I don't know if there is time to get into that debate now. So if we stand next to each other, side by side, then you will notice differences. It might take you a while to get the hang of it, that's ok. My family has been doing it for 20 years now and collectively they are scoring a B plus. So you know how difficult it is. But with a positive attitude and a mnemonic device you should be fine. It used to be said that I wore red and he wore blue, but that is about as reliable as picking the correct lottery numbers (of course I'm talking about the pick 3!). Whatever you decide, just remember, I'm not him, and he's not me. You are you, though. Now I didn't want to do this, but I'm going to give you my secret to telling us apart. I look at myself in the mirror and say “That's Charlie.” Then I flex and look for my muscles. But they hibernate for the better part of the year, so I usually don't see them. Well, now you know all you need to. No more confusion.

There's a poll in the top right corner.