Watching TV (Sport or Hobby?)

I consider it a non-contact sport. But how about you? How many TV shows do you watch? Enough to get you through the week, I bet. But how many is too many? 10+, 20+, 30+? I have to admit that I watch somewhere in the 30+ range of shows. I'm not going to list them all, as that might take forever. What I will do is talk about a select few.

Let's start with The Big Bang Theory: Who knew nerds could be so popular? These quirky (quarky?) guys make every Thursday better. They also may have boosted TBS's ratings when they entered syndication. After all, Conan can't do it alone. But what I want to talk about is how the episode names are formed for The Big Bang Theory. It follows a formula; start with The followed by 2-4 blanks. Then take some big words and throw them together. Here are a few examples I came up with (with a one sentence episode synopsis)

The Laceration Assumption - Sheldon gets a paper cut and assumes the world is out to get him.

The Intervention Conversation - Raj starts binge drinking to talk to and meet women and the guys don't like it.

The Cosmology Apology - Leonard and Penny bicker over whose world view is correct.

The Probability Approximation - Sheldon takes to gambling and insists that he knows what he is doing.

Now for some Two and a Half Men: I don’t know why they got rid of Charlie Sheen. They could have used his new persona. In my version of the show, Charlie gets abducted by aliens and has amnesia. So he moves in next door and thinks that he is a bitchin’ rock star from Mars who kills tigers for a living. Problem solved.

Here’s How I Met Your Mother: Why are they using Bob Saget for the voice of Ted Mosby? That doesn’t fit well. You know who would have been good? Morgan Freeman (think about it).

General summary of a House episode: Person feints, gets to hospital, pre-diagnosis suggests Sarcoidosis, we find out that is wrong, House bets someone $100, halfway through the episode the patient begins to bleed from somewhere, teammates bicker, patient put on steroids, House wins the bet, House has a “Brain Blast” like Jimmy Neutron, person had a splinter in their leg.

And a little fun fact: If I were to watch The Voice tonight, I would miss 5 shows in the process.

Happy Watching!

I Got Nothing!

I have decided to take this week off. I feel as though everyone is entitled to a break. 52 posts a year may get boring, annoying, dreadfully unfunny, and/or tiresome. You understand, right? Also, feel free to give me feedback and ask me questions under this post. So,to recap, I'm not trying to be funny this week (Why start now?). Next week will be new. Ok.

Blogging: Part 1

Have you been caught blogging yet? My friend walked in on me as I was writing this one out, and I am embarrassed. I was trying to get to my special place, really get the ideas flowing, and then boom, (goes the dynamite) I had to stop. My mind went bone dry. My ideas stopped coming out. I haven't looked him in the face since. To think that he caught me blogging. Such a traumatic experience, to say the least. My literary pen is dried out, for now. I'll be back next week with fresh material and new ideas. I will also have people knock and change the locks for my doors. Sorry, I have to get off now. See you next week.

Miscellaneous Chazarai

My sole purpose here is to ramble. If you don't want to ride this train of thought, get off and catch the next one. It will be here next Monday. Ok, I hear something. Chuga, chuga, choo-choo. The train has started. Next stop: I'll tell you when we get there. Now, the title is pronounced Hhhhha-za-rye. It's Yiddish. If you don't know what Yiddish is, it's a language that Jewish parents invented so that kids couldn't understand what they were saying. Chazarai means something rotten or junk. I had to look it up, as I myself don't know Yiddish. This post isn't junk or rotten; maybe it is, you be the judge. It doesn't smell bad. All I know is I don't know where I am going with this. Miscellaneous means random. Random junk. Kind of sounds like an attic or maybe a basement storage room.  That's where people keep all of their non-valuable valuables. What do you keep in an attic or basement? Take the poll up to the right. Seriously, do it. Switching to the other definition, random rotten stuff makes me think of a garbage can. That's disgusting. This post is neither of those things. I guess what I'm trying to say is life is random rotten junk. Hmmm... I... seem to have lost my, my... train of thought. Eh, the good news is I got off of the train 5 minutes ago. Did I forget to tell you to get off at your stop? Oh sorry, we past it already. Alright, get off here and walk back. Sorry. Hey, you are actually going to pass a water fountain called my stream of consciousness. You don't want to stop and look at that do you? Probably not. This has been painful enough.

Acting the Fool!

I bet you are asking yourself, ‘Hey, did Charlie ever act in a play?’ Why are you asking yourself? You need to ask me instead. In any case, yes I have. It was brief, it was years ago, but it was my big break. I played the Three of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Were there scouts for Broadway there? No. Did I give one hell of a performance? No. I had like three scenes and some group lines. You couldn't even tell if I was speaking or not. I had to stand there and look tough, which I have always had trouble doing. I was a backup actor in a community theater. This is the big time, I thought.  Did I mention the whole cast hated me? Good times, good times. But nonetheless, my parents, friends, and community members came out to see me (and probably the stars of the show) perform, me all decked out in playing card attire. ‘He's such a card, that Charlie,’ is what I would imagine they were saying. I don't know, the lights on stage were too bright. I couldn't see anything. Did I have fun? Yeah, about as much fun as an attendee at the Mad Hatter’s tea party. CHANGE PLACES!! I felt like a small Alice in a big pond. Everybody kept asking me ‘Who are you?’ I told them Charlie, but they laughed and walked away. I didn't get it and thought they were being disrespectful. Did I learn anything? Yes, I learned that you can’t walk on to an established cast and expect to fit into their cliquish ensemble. I didn't get their inside jokes; I think some were about me. Maybe I'm paranoid. There was also talk that I stole the show. I told them I was only borrowing it, but they didn't believe me. Yeah sure blame the new guy. I think that whole drama also added insult to injury. All in all, I decided not to pursue acting any further. It was a good experience. I feel that everyone should experience the theatre in some form or another. I mean, I can't act like I didn't enjoy it a little. On second thought, yes I can. It was terrible.

It's a New Year!

Happy New Year!! It's finally 2012! This year I have some New Year’s resolutions that I plan on sticking to for as long I can (any bets on how long that will be?). I will give it the old college try. And just what are these New Year’s resolutions? Here’s the list.

1. Work Out

2. Acquire income (get paid)

3. Sleep

4. Assure myself that the Mayans are wrong

5. Stock up on end of the world supplies, just in case the Mayans are not wrong (scary thought)

6. Live fully

7. Work hard, party just as hard if not harder

8. Vote for a president who doesn't sound crazy (so no republicans!)

9. Try new foods (maybe?)

10. Write better blog posts (definitely!)

So, I will try my best and talk to you next week. I must get started now, I only have a year to do these things. On a side note, there's a poll in the top right corner that you can answer. Have a good first week of 2012.

Where's the Receipt?

How was Christmas? I don't want to make you sad, but it's over. Did you get anything good?  I feel like you're saying ‘yes’, but with a hint of ‘no’. It's kind of like those tortilla chips with lime; it doesn't look like the lime is there, but it's there. And similarly, I don't hear it in your tone, but the ‘no’ is there. So what will you do with the gifts you don't like? Today, tomorrow, this week sometime, you will have to return them. Now I know what you're saying. You don't want to deal with customer service. It'll be ok. Tell 'em Charlie sent you. They won't understand what you mean, but you'll smile. Now, we get to the question of the day. Where's the receipt? I don't know. I got lucky this year. I don't feel like returning cash or gift cards. But what about what you got? Socks, a sweater, High School Musical 3 on DVD, it all must go back. Does Target do refunds? Kohl's? Wherever you go you may need the receipt. So how do you get it? You could ask the person for it, if you never plan on speaking to them again. You could look for it, if you want to be nosy and never plan on speaking to the person again. Whatever you decide, you may lose a friend or a relative. Or, you can ask them and they might surprise you and only be slightly offended. I wish you the best of luck. It's a touchy subject. Could go either way. And then I'll say 'ya win some, ya lose some', depending on the outcome. (unintentional rhyme) Well, have a good time at the store, and if I don't talk to you beforehand, Happy New Year!! It will be 2012 on Sunday, just like Mayans predicted. Happy Holidays, and I’ll see you at the beginning of the calendar.

Christmas?

The holiday season is in full swing. Only 5 shopping days left until Christmas (1 until Hanukkah). So I'm just wishing everybody a pleasant last minute shopping and an even more pleasant holiday.

A lot of you may be wondering “Charlie, you keep mentioning Hanukkah (and you even spell it correctly!) Are you Jewish?” Yes I am. It's so great that I know what you are thinking and I can answer you right away. I love that.

That answers one question but it might bring up another. “What do you do on Christmas, Charlie?” Do you really want to know? Ok, don't twist my arm, I'll tell you.

The night before, I leave out cookies for Santa, just in case he stops by my Hanukkah bush. Then, it's Christmas morning. I wake up, run to window, and pretend that I'm looking at the ground covered in snow (just once I would like a white Christmas). The clock reads 11:30am. I run downstairs, only to find no tree and no presents. “The Grinch got us again,” I remark. I eat lunch. I go on Facebook and read all of the Merry Christmas posts. They are so generic and boring. Then, I loaf around until dinner, for tonight we dine...at a Chinese restaurant. Six o’ clock dinner at a Chinese restaurant with the family; it doesn't get much better than that. All of the soup and rice, mmmm good. Then, it’s time to head home and wind down. I catch the end of a Christmas story on TBS, and wonder when it will be on again. As I fall asleep at night, I turn the radio on, knowing full well that all of the Christmas songs are going to be gone when I wake up. Then, and only then, can we fully prepare for New Years. It's an exciting day, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, unless you offer me a good price. Just kidding, no trades. So Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

Cheese is Gross

I am going to be frank for a second. I don't like cheese. There, I said it. Right now you're saying "What?!!!!" and that's been the normal response, until I talked to this one guy. His response has been the best so far. Here's the dialogue we had:

Me: I don't like cheese.

Guy: You don't like cheese? What?!!

Me: I just don't like it.

Guy: You don't put cheese on a sandwich?

Me: Nope. Turkey with Ketchup. (Hey we all have our problems!) I suppose now you'll ask what I do about pizza.

Guy: You don't eat pizza?

Me: No I eat pizza.

Guy: Oh, but does it taste good? (Guy thinks I eat it with cheese on it)

Me: Yeah I get it without cheese.

Guy: What? No single place will ever make you a no cheese pizza. (Ok you're an idiot)

Me: Uh yes they will.

Idiot: I have never seen that. Have you told your parents about this?

Me: No, I'm looking for the right way to come out of the closet about cheese. (Alright you are officially a moron) They are actually very supportive. I’m pretty sure its hereditary.

Moron: I can’t talk to you anymore. It’s too weird.

Me: Don't worry; the feeling is mutual.

I'm Gouda be Brie for a second. I don't like cheese. I'm not a Muenster. Don't sit there and try to Teleme that if I try it I'll like it. You can say what Chimay, I won't try it.  Don't call me unAmerican, just leave me Provolone about it. I Livno lies and I refuse to change. (I'm going to stop; This is starting to sound cheesy.)

It's Like I Always Say...

Here are sayings that I say (some out loud, some in my head) with added commentary. Say what you will about them. I'm not going to care, just saying.

Laughter is the best medicine (it's free and you don't have to stand in line to get it, you just have to keep reading)

Even a broken clock is right two times a day (I mean, I assume so, my digital clocks haven't broken yet, but when they do, it'll be five o'clock somewhere)

It's better to be lucky than good (and vice versa, so on and so forth)

A penny saved is a penny earned (more appropriately for me, a penny found is a penny earned)

All day, erryday (I'm told the "y" is optional, can someone verify this?)

Life's like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get (an easy fix to this is to only buy boxes of chocolate in which you know what's inside)

A watched pot never boils (technically yes it does, it takes a while; the message here is to set something up to boil and forget about it)

Forgive and forget (you're going to have to forgive me; I forgot why I wrote this one down... And I think I have water boiling...)

It is better to be safe than sorry (I checked, there was no water boiling!)

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration (this must be why I sweat a lot)

Eat a slice of humble pie (No, I don't want to... You can't make me... Noooo, "gulp!” that was good pie; I don't think I could make it as well as you)

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em (Where do I sign up? I'm not as good as they are, but I'll try my best)

Crime doesn't pay (well it depends on how much you get, and I could probably get a lot…yes, the humble pie just wore off)

When life hands you lemons make lemonade (or lemon meringue pie, or lemon sherbet, something with lemons, or just eat them raw like I do)

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today (but tomorrow looks so promising)

What goes up must come down (great now I've got the song Lighters stuck in my head)

I know some of these weren't great but you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs (I don't really care for eggs; it's just a saying).