Traveler's Prayer

Did you miss me? Come on, admit it. You did a little bit, right? I don't know why I ask you questions I'll never know the answer to. Anyway, I'm back. Sound the alarm. I'm rested and ready to go. Actually, I did some traveling over the break. I flew right before Christmas and just after New Year's. This might be controversial, but I don't think airline food is as awful as Seinfeld will have you believe. At least, the kosher meals aren't. Planes are still small and cramped, unless you have the luxury of shelling out all of your shekels for a first class seat. I, unfortunately, do not have that luxury. The TSA and Customs are still annoying processes to deal with. I appreciate what they are doing for our country by checking for illegal things, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to remove everything in my backpack and swab it with a sorry excuse for a Swiffer Duster, and then tell me to put everything back into my bag. And Customs, when you ask if anybody helped me pack my suitcase, is it worth mentioning that my brother sat on it while I zipped it up? Technically, he helped me pack. Oh, and don't make me fill out paperwork about declaring my purchases abroad aboard the plane as it's landing . How am I supposed to do that with my tray table in an upright and locked position, hmm? I will declare nothing, except for my independence. This is 'MURICA, goddammit!! 

Now, one thing that never fails to intrigue me is that people clap when the plane lands. Meaning what? You would boo if the plane crashed? Something like, "Boo, I've seen better landings than that!! Boo, I'm on fire right now!! Boo, my leg is broken!!" Don't clap, the pilot is just doing his job. Do I clap when the waiter at a restaurant brings me my order? Okay, most times I do because I'm a picky eater, and it's fifty/fifty as to whether they'll get it right on the first try. That was a bad example. 

Anyway, if you traveled this holiday season, I hope it went well. It's an exhausting process, and I'm just praying I get my energy back soon. Safe travels in the future. 

Laughter's Hiatus

We've had some real fun this year, haven't we? We have, we have. Sadly though, I will be taking a two week break, so this post will round out the year. Don't fret, I will be back the first Monday in January. Until then, I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (How cliche, am I right?) .

But seriously, folks, it's a time for family, joy, and joy when your family leaves. And a time for a tree and alcohol and alcohol when your tree leaves (ha, tree leaves, this guy's real good).  Did you know I used to celebrate Christmas in the 90s? Oh, those crazy 90s. Well, I did. I used to split a present with my brother. To be fair, our present was always a log from the backyard, so it made sense to split it. Our parents got firewood for kindling. Years later, we each got Kindle Fires. If that's not what coming full circle means, then I don't understand life. Also, the true meaning of Christmas is Christ's Mass, where Christ means Messiah.

Now that I've settled that, let's move on to New Year's. 2014!!! It's coming. Oh, if only the Mayan's could see us now. In all honesty, they probably would assume that they were right and that our world did end. Don't forget, we have TV shows like Fox News, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and Brickleberry! But alas, we shall move into another year. Another year of writing 2013 on checks. 2014 should be fun, though. I can't wait to see what happens. This is the year cars will fly, I can feel it. And this is the year feels will fly, I can car it (Ok, note to self, that only worked in the second paragraph.) Anyway, without rambling on, I will talk to you next year. I will be ready to go and my comedy will be reborn. Like my own Nativity Scene. More like Creativity Scene. No, maybe not. Enjoy the end of the year. Have fun! Be Merry. Make resolutions. Ok, bye......... 

Mr. E. Puzzle

Caution: DO NO SCROLL DOWN ALL THE WAY [SPOILERS]

Please, call me Lil' Puzzle. Mr. E. Puzzle is my father. This week, I want to play a little game. Not like Saw, although if you want to cut your foot off, be my guest. It's a word puzzle. It's not that hard (that's what she said), but I think you may find it enjoyable. Please fill in the following words. There may or may not be a theme (*wink*). The answers are below, if you need them.

Words:

s n a p _ h _ t

f _ _ e b _ _ _

t w i _ t e r 

v i _ e

_ i n d e r 

i n s t _ g _ _ _

t u m b l _

m y s _ _ _ _

Wasn't that easy? See how well you did. The answers are below. 

(snapshot, freebird, twister, vice, binder, instigate, tumble, mystery) 

How did you do? That bad, huh? Well, you'll do better next time. See ya next week.

Cyber Mundane

This is what I'm talking about people. The Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. I'm going to wager, and this is a complete guess while blindfolded in a soundproof room, that you're saying to yourself "I wish it was still the long weekend." Because it wasn't long enough. Tell me I'm wrong. Go on. Don't actually, though, because I can't hear you and refuse to listen. The point is that today is boring. Sure, it's Cyber Monday, a day sacred to online shoppers all over the world. But what else, huh? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. That being said, it is the sixth night of Hanukkah. But every Cyber Monday is Hanukkah to me, so... I don't know what you want to do there. Go shop online to brighten up your day. But that's all you have. Here, tell ya what, I tell you a joke, and you can finish reading this and get back to your busy life. Here it goes: Sometimes, I think about lying to people and telling them that I drive a limousine professionally. But then I think, "nah, that might be a stretch." Actually, it's a play on words. So it's a pun. Groan or grin accordingly. 

A Jewish Thanksgiving

As all of you know, this Thursday is Thanksgiving. As some of you may know, this Wednesday night is the first night of Hanukkah. What? That's crazy. Hanukkah and Thanksgiving are on the same day this year. How rare is that? What are the odds? (Here are the odds, how rare it is, and why it may never happen again: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-joel-hoffman/hanukkah-and-thanskgiving_b_4312207.html) What does this mean for us?

I'm so confused. Do we call it Thanksgivukkah or "Ch"anksgiving? Do we spin a dreidel or a drumstick? Do we eat Latkes or lots of stuffing? Do the candles burn for 8 days or does the turkey baste for 8 days? Is Black Friday now the second holiest day for Jews in November? What is going on?

Personally for me, Hanukkah has always been similar to Thanksgiving. The first day is great, and then the following days I'm tired of eating the same food over and over again. It will be nice to be together with family during both of the holidays. Plus, its better, because Hanukkah doesn't fit into my December schedule this year. Thanks universe, I appreciate it! *wink*

This year, I'm most thankful for the friends I've made. What are you most thankful for? Think about that, but don't forget to watch football, eat food, and light the menorah (if you're Jewish. If you're not Jewish, why would you have a menorah?) The point here is that a food coma is twice as likely this year. I think that's what I've been trying to say. I'm not sure. Enjoy your week. 

P.S. In honor of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving being the same day, I'm deep frying the turkey. 

#WWIS

Last week, I believe it was a Tuesday, a fad lit up Facebook like the Fourth of July. I think it was called "What Would You Do?" No, wait, "What Would Jesus Say?" No, wait, "What Would I Say?" There were suddenly more WWIS posts than all of the baby photos and song lyric statuses... combined!! For those not familiar, the concept is simple. You've been writing meaningless Facebook statuses and comments for years. But what if, suddenly, the words from each one were mixed together into short phrases that make little to no sense? Phrases like "can now it" and "I'm on 11/13" and "God is real." I immediately jumped on the bandwagon, and have no doubt that these are things that I would say. But, when would I say them? We don't have to wonder, I figured it out.

What is the meaning of life?

"Sometimes, I sit and think we know."

Do you sometimes feel like life is one giant game?

"It is plenty of a game."

Do you have fun at concerts?

"Where do I don't have fun?"

What would you say if I told you that we didn't catch all of the Pokemon?

"That's fine, we'll get em next time."

If you could act, who would you like to play?

"Me as the Ghost of Space in my life."

Are you writing anything else besides this right now?

"I'm working on an updated version of Dante's Inferno, where internet is down."

What are you going to do for your test on natural disasters tomorrow? 

"Improv + Cold Weather until I study for Hurricane Sandy."

What's a typical Halloween like for you?

"It's just me from afar. Boo! Halloween is real quiet..."

What are you going to do to the Thanksgiving turkey this year?

"I think I'm gonna gobble it."

What would you call a Jewish holiday in which you only get chocolate coins?

"Hanukkah Day of Cents."

What does the addition of Cage the Elephant and Apples Against Humanity equal?

"Cage the Elephant + Apples Against Humanity = Successful Friday

Which do you prefer: Frank Ocean or the Baltimore Ravens?

"By the transitive property, Frank Ocean beat the Ravens."

What do people say?

"People Say It's Labor Day?"

What happened to your meth lab, Charlie?

"The feds got to it."

How did you get the cats in the alley to talk like teenagers?

"I'm pretty sure I'm a wizard and somehow willed them to use abbreviations ASAP."

What's on you DVR right now?

"23 Minute to Win Its."

What's the most racist thing you've almost done?

"I nearly derailed the Mexicans to bring on the UNION."

I'm a La-Z Boy

Tonight's post is brought to you by the number 315, Sesame Street style. What does 315 mean? Guess. Try again. Ok, now you're answers are beginning to sound stupid, so I'll tell you.  Today is the 315th day of the year. Keep it simple, stupid. Now, if I'm writing about the number of what day it is out of the year, that means that I've usually got nothing to talk about. But that's not true. Can't I just sit here and type? No. Oh, ok, well, umm.....ughh.....like....How was your day? Oh boy, this isn't going great. But here's the thing: I'm lazy. Are any of you lazy? I think maybe you are a little. We all are. And you know, I've been meaning to be proactive, but then I just sit there. If you haven't guessed it, it's word association day here on www.peoplesayimfunny.com. I feel like I'm doing an improv monology about lazy now. When I think of lazy I think of recliners, cause of La-Z Boy sofas. And that makes me think of watching TV. Currently, I'm catching up on episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. Check it out. Lots of celebrities and guests. They do weird and funny bits. Like seeing through tortilla shells. Lazy. And scene.....

The Cotton Anniversary

People, I almost dropped the ball!!! Guess what I realized earlier today at lunch when I said aloud for the first time that I didn't have a blog post ready for tonight? I realized that it's the first Monday in November. I assume that this means nothing to you. But for me, I think back to two years ago, when, on the first Monday in November, I introduced you to blogging. Two years ago, when I said to myself "Charlie, you like to write funny things and you should start doing so every week. Might be nice to set a schedule for yourself." Two years ago, when I responded, "Good, idea Charlie. I think I will do that. You're so wise and intuitive." 

If you've been reading from the beginning, I would like to say thank you. If you just started reading, I would like to say welcome. If you started reading somewhere in the middle, I would like to say welcome and thank you. A lot has happened in the past two years, much of it in the past year, for that matter. A year ago, I was writing on Blogger for free, and now I'm using SquareSpace, through which I own the domain www.peoplesayimfunny.com. I own that domain! How cool is that? 

Funny is subjective. I'm going to say maybe half of the posts on here are funny (maybe). I don't know what you find funny. What I do know is that I don't have to love lasagna to tell you that Monday's are the worst. What I'm aiming to do is sharpen my skills and give you a smile. A smile, not a belly laugh. (Extra points to those of you who belly laugh.) Isn't that a good idea? Smiling after a hard day. Side Note: To those of you who read this on Tuesday, you're doing it wrong. 

I've spent two years now trying to develop a unique voice with which to write. I'd like to think I'm well on my way to doing so. In fact, if you know me, you are probably reading this in my voice in your head. I have to imagine that it's almost as awkward as speaking to me in person. Almost. Because the problem with reading this in my voice is that you don't know where to put the correct inflection on certain words. HAHAHA! Just kidding, I never spoken with any sort of inflection. Far be it from me to ever emote. The point is I appreciate you being here while I try to find my voice. I really do.

From this point forward, it's full steam ahead. This train is not stopping, it's accelerating. Two years is nothing. Talk to me when we are at 20 years. Or when someone discovers me, whichever comes first. Honestly, I'd be fine with either, as long as it's the second one. But again, this really isn't for my reader(s) or fan(s). It's for me to try to write comedic posts every week. It just happens to be publicly readable. I'm glad that people do read it, because feedback is always appreciated. And I'm glad that still, two years later, people say I'm funny. 

For the Hallo"win"

It's that time of the year again. That time when people dress up and pretend to be someone else. It's just like cosplay, except this time even cool people do it. Yep, it's Halloween, a time when less clothes mean a costume. My costume this year is great; I'm going to be a slutty blog writer. What I'm trying to say is that it's that time of year when every night is Friday night on AMC. And ABC Family plays a bunch of Halloween themed kid's movies. But the moral of the story is that you should have fun with Halloween. It's pumpkin season. You can't pass a Starbucks without knowing that. And it's hard not to pass a Starbucks (they're everywhere). This actually reminds me of the time that I was in a Starbucks and saw a couple covered in tattoos. But this woman had all three witches from Hocus Pocus on her back. Like really big, straight across the top. Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler, and the other one. Staring at me. Looking into my soul. I don't know where this is going, but I was reminded of it. Happy Halloween. It's a scary good holiday. 

Pandora

Sometimes, I listen to Pandora Radio, which is a FREE internet radio service. Once again, it's FREE. I am not about to complain as if it's a service I pay for. That being said, here's my beef. I'll go on, and I'll make a station based on an artist. For example, let's use Mumford and Sons. Ok? Hit play. "And I will wait, I will wait for you. And I will wait, I will wait for you." That's great. Thumbs Up. That song ends, and now what do I want to hear? Roll Away Your Stone. But what comes on? Home, by Phillip Phillips. If I wanted to hear Phillip Phillips, I'd watch American Idol. And no one wants to do that. No! Bad Pandora! Ugh. But, there is a silver lining, because the Musical Comedy radio station is pretty good. Pretty good, but not perfect because every so often, a Daniel Tosh stand-up bit will come on. It's not hard to realize what happened, though. You know that algorithm that says that "All musicals are gay, but not all gays are musical?" Pandora mixed it up and as a result, I get Tosh's stand-up. He's not musical. Hahaha, silly Pandora. In conclusion, can someone fix that?