Last week, I believe it was a Tuesday, a fad lit up Facebook like the Fourth of July. I think it was called "What Would You Do?" No, wait, "What Would Jesus Say?" No, wait, "What Would I Say?" There were suddenly more WWIS posts than all of the baby photos and song lyric statuses... combined!! For those not familiar, the concept is simple. You've been writing meaningless Facebook statuses and comments for years. But what if, suddenly, the words from each one were mixed together into short phrases that make little to no sense? Phrases like "can now it" and "I'm on 11/13" and "God is real." I immediately jumped on the bandwagon, and have no doubt that these are things that I would say. But, when would I say them? We don't have to wonder, I figured it out.
What is the meaning of life?
"Sometimes, I sit and think we know."
Do you sometimes feel like life is one giant game?
"It is plenty of a game."
Do you have fun at concerts?
"Where do I don't have fun?"
What would you say if I told you that we didn't catch all of the Pokemon?
"That's fine, we'll get em next time."
If you could act, who would you like to play?
"Me as the Ghost of Space in my life."
Are you writing anything else besides this right now?
"I'm working on an updated version of Dante's Inferno, where internet is down."
What are you going to do for your test on natural disasters tomorrow?
"Improv + Cold Weather until I study for Hurricane Sandy."
What's a typical Halloween like for you?
"It's just me from afar. Boo! Halloween is real quiet..."
What are you going to do to the Thanksgiving turkey this year?
"I think I'm gonna gobble it."
What would you call a Jewish holiday in which you only get chocolate coins?
"Hanukkah Day of Cents."
What does the addition of Cage the Elephant and Apples Against Humanity equal?
"Cage the Elephant + Apples Against Humanity = Successful Friday
Which do you prefer: Frank Ocean or the Baltimore Ravens?
"By the transitive property, Frank Ocean beat the Ravens."
What do people say?
"People Say It's Labor Day?"
What happened to your meth lab, Charlie?
"The feds got to it."
How did you get the cats in the alley to talk like teenagers?
"I'm pretty sure I'm a wizard and somehow willed them to use abbreviations ASAP."
What's on you DVR right now?
"23 Minute to Win Its."
What's the most racist thing you've almost done?
"I nearly derailed the Mexicans to bring on the UNION."