New Year, New We!

If you're reading this, congratulations! You've made it out of the death trap that was 2016. Got a bit dicey at the end there. Bit of a spot we were in, I do say! (Sorry, I've been watching Sherlock all day.) But alas, it's over, and 2017 promises to be one hell of year too, with of the administrative changes this country is going through. But, we can keep moving, keep fighting, because it's all about the climbbb..... damnit, I've gone into a Miley Cyrus song. Sh&@! I told myself I wouldn't do that. 

Now, I bet your wondering "Charlie, how did you spend your New Year's weekend, you comedian extraordinaire? What did you do you salty dog, you?" First of all, stop calling me names. Secondly, I spent the weekend at a Quaker retreat in upstate New York, because, much like everything else in 2016, my sense of fun died. If you're wondering what a Quaker retreat is, I'm not so clear on the details either, except for the fact that Quakers are peaceful, religious-but-not-in-a-Jesus-sort-of-way, and very spiritual. All of the songs that they sing use the word sunshine, for a point of reference. I got to do retreat-like things like Pilates and a massage. Technically, I was supposed to turn off my smartphone, but that was too much for my small, millennial brain to handle. I may start doing pilates this year. I don't know; how crowded are the gyms right now? Eh, I'll figure it out.

Was my first choice for this weekend an alcohol free excursion that began and ended with a Megabus ride between New York and Albany? No, that's not anybody's first choice for anything ever, but I did it because it was where I was invited. You go where your welcome when you've got nowhere to go. (Let's really push that this year. I'm talking bumper stickers, magnets, necklaces, words on the butts of girls pants. I want people to see that message. Sounded dope!) So I was happy to be included in something. Even though the room that I stayed in only had two twin beds and even though the building was so old it classified as a fire hazard, I made the best of a new situation.

That brings me to this year, 2017, in all of its shining glory. Let's go over all of my resolutions, as I've done the previous year and as I intend to keep doing for as long as I'm still doing this:

1. Stop breaking out into Miley Cyrus songs (working on it, ok?) 

2.  Have a recurring sketch show at a New York Comedy theater, with new sketches every time.

3. Craft a solid 10-15 minute set of stand up. 

4. Perform regularly with 1 or more improv teams. 

5. Write a few episodes of a television show.  

6. Develop a late night television packet.

7. Write a play. 

8. Release a book. 

9. Attend the ever popular play 'Hamilton.' 

10. Begin regular classes doing pilates, tai chi, or yoga. 

11. Join a bowling league.  

12. Get a new job. 

This is more than enough to get started. Some of these are from last year, since I didn't get to them. That's ok. I'll do them and more this year. Here's to 2017. I'm not giving away my shot. Raise a glass!

Another Home for the Holidays

I hope everybody is having a wonderful Hanuchristmakwanza. All three holidays aligned this year. I haven't seen three things in this much agreement since the three Wise Men brought Jesus gold, frankincense, and mer. Now that's groupmind, baby!

I did something this year that I've never done before. I spent the holidays at my girlfriend's parents house. Her family is pretty much like mine, a nice blend of happy and traumatizing. There were parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow. Oh no, wait, that's a song. We just went to a couple parties and opened presents. I got some good gifts, too, like a bottle of beer and book. The theme was pants and books, but I guess nobody knew my correct size, since I buy all of my pants in a larger size to make it look like I'm deathly thin. Instead, I just got a book. I'm ok with that.

Meeting someone else's extended family is interesting, to say the least. You don't know anyone, and by the time you learn all of the names of people, it's time to go. At the holidays it's especially weird, cause you get watch everyone open up their inside joke presents and then be like "Oh wow, you got a framed picture, thanks so much for the chocolate."  I've since framed all of the chocolate that I've been given and will be hanging it up wherever I can. 

I did miss my family, though, crazy as they may be. It felt weird to break traditions that I've been doing for 23 years, but I guess I made some people happy by spending time with loved ones. I got to experience a new outlook on the holidays, a more Christian view, you know, to offset my Jewish perception of Christmas, which is just a lounge around day filled with pajamas and Chinese food. There's more to it than that for most people. I had no clue. 

I managed to also come down with a pretty intense stomach bug, so if anyone needs me, I'll be traveling between the bathroom and my bed. Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. And a Happy New Year. I'll see you all on the other side. 

Is This Just Fantasy?

I'm sitting at my computer watching ESPN, a thing I never do. There's chicken in the oven. If you sniff real close, you can smell it. I'm drinking coke with some scotch in it because my fantasy football team made the playoffs but is currently dying a slow, painful death. If you listen closely, you can hear Tom Brady giving me a 21 shotgun salute, which is where he deflates 21 footballs and then throws them a real long way in my honor. Unlike the chicken, you can put a fork in my fantasy football; it's done.

I thought I had a chance. I made the playoffs, and I don't even know what I'm doing. Who's Rob Gronkowski, and why does everybody want him so bad? He never plays. I know less about this than Donald knows about the presidency. Of course, I'm talking about Donald Knotts, star of the movie The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. Oh yeah, there's chicken in the oven. I'll be right back.

It's done. The chicken, I mean. In the knick of time too, cause I'm filling up on scotch. 

Dinner was good. I started a new paragraph to let you know that. This is real stream of consciousness tonight. It's Christmas on Saturday. I'll have more about that next week. Let me experience it first, then report back. Hanukkah too. I'm Jewish, so that makes more sense for me to report on. I'll do it, don't worry.

Happy Holidays!!!

The New Yorker for The New Year

I recently started getting the New Yorker delivered to my apartment, in a last ditch attempt to try to gentrify my neighborhood. I keep pulling it out on the train and hoping that by some sort of smart osmosis the influence will rub off on everyone. Usually, when people talk about pulling things out and rubbing off on the subway, it means something different. It's making me feel special this holiday season. (We still don't know if I'm talking about the New Yorker.) Except there is just one thing that I can't figure out; I never know what to not read. (Ok, I'm talking about the New Yorker, not jerking off.)

 I feel as though I should read everything in the New Yorker, right? Like I'll read the add for Chantix. And then I'll say something like "Hmm.... it's not really the drug for me, but damn it was well written. I didn't know you could list that many side effects so succinctly. It has a definite style to it." That's where I'm at right now. Still figuring things out.

The cartoons are different from the ones that I'm used to in the newspaper. Not as funny. More thinky. Like in the newspaper you'll have the classic Charlie Brown Peanuts. And in the New Yorker, you'll have a Peanut feeding an elephant with the caption "You should see what I trained him to do in my pajamas." And you're just like "Ha. Funny." 

Well, I'll keep reading the New Yorker if you keep reading this. Let's try something. If you've read this post this far, please share it. Like hit the share button on Facebook. That might get me out there. Let's see what happens. Happy Monday!

Busy Being Busy

Webster' s dictionary defines success as "being the only good dictionary on the market," Ok, wait a minute! That's a bit conceited and self congratulating, Webster, even for you. But to me, success is getting to do what you love. It has nothing to do with money, no matter how much we desperately want it to. It's that easy, plain and simple.

So what am I successful at today, you ask? Glad you asked. I'm doing a lot of sketch comedy. Huzzah!! It really is the coolest thing. I'm completing an acting for sketch class that is having a show that I'm in, I'm writing for a Peoples Improv Theater work study sketch show, and I'm writing my own sketch show. The class show is this Saturday at 4:00pm. The work study show is next Monday at 9:00pm. And my sketch show is January 17th, 2017 at 7:30pm. Come and forget about the inauguration for like two seconds. It will be terrific!

Contrary to popular belief, these opportunities didn't come about because I was siting at home. I've been out, schmoozing and boozing and choosing what I want to do. Improv is fun, but I will always think of myself as a writer. It's what I've always wanted to be. So you just say that to people and you find opportunities that they have. And if they don't have any, make your own.

That's an interesting concept. Make your own opportunities. It's very possible to do, but it does take work, dedication, and sacrifice. Man, if I put as much work into my day job as I do this stuff, I could be a world famous civil engineer. Just kidding, their aren't any. Anyway, December is the last month this year, so start gathering up those resolutions. You know I've got some new ones. Hold yourself accountable for what you do. That's my message today. Have a good week. Sorry for the short post, but I'm super busy. *wink*

Thankfull of Myself

Well, if you're reading this, you survived the sequel to the Presidential Election, which is, of course, where your family politely asks you to the pass the bread and then not-so-politely debates about the results like CNN, but with less hardcore porn. Or more, I don't know your kinky family. I do know Kinky Boots, though. Great show. Anyway, you survived the sequel, affectionately tilted "Election 2: Election Bugaloo." But it was also called Thanksgiving, where the thing that I was most thankful for this year was that the Big Bang Theory wasn't new. Get out of here, nerds!!

As we inch out of November and into December, I'm reminded of Christmas and Hanukkah and the part where people need presents. I've never really given others presents before. I would always just receive gifts from my family. Is this where I got so conceited? Maybe. But this year, I need to get presents for others, both significant and insignificant (you know who you are).

Did you know buying gifts is expensive? Me too. We should be friends. (But don't expect a gift. I won't get you one.) Gifts are kind of like the election when you think about them: They are expensive to buy and not everyone is happy with what's inside. But enough of me complaining about being an adult, huh? Why don't I try recommending something useful. So here's this: Put care into what you get. Something with bells and whistles on it won't matter more to someone than a well thought out, carefully planned notebook with a quote that they said on it. Or something like that. I'm not the creative one here. That's you!

So as we as a country slink into December like a slinky, and by that I mean downward and one step at a time, we should remember those that we do have and what we just spent the last few days overeating for: the fact that we can be thankful for the three F's: Family, friends, and football. Have a good rest of November. (Look at how concisely I wrapped everything up. I'm getting pretty good at this, I think. I'm also still working on that book of these. If you see me in public, please let me know which posts you've loved. Thanks!)

Thanksliving in a New World

The atmosphere in America is a bit unfriendly right now (too much C02, if you ask me). We don't need to drain the swamp, we just need to wait for it to evaporate due to global warming. But putting that aside, whether it's politically or environmentally, there are things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving, as we all know, is the national holiday for over-eaters, the one day a year Americans allow themselves to indulge... Hahahaha, I couldn't even type that with straight fingerz (due to a typo when I was writing this, "fingers" is spelled with a "z." It looked cool, so I left it.) Americans do that erryday, haha, we big! I think it has something to do with the day; Thursday. It rolls off the tongue like a hairball. I think Thanksgiving should be on a Monday. And this blog should come out on a Monday. Everyday should be Monday, or some variation, like Monday 1, Monday 2, Monday 3... that sort of thing. I'll call up the calendar people to discuss this and see what I can do.

My writing today is all over the place, similar to my food on Thanksgiving, which is all over the plate. What I'm trying to say this Thanksgiving is that there are things to be thankful for. You just have to put politics aside. Let's not even bring it up this week. I just want to see pictures of turkeys being brutally slaughtered and parade floats with Disney characters on it. That what Thanksgiving is to me. Don't even bring up that you're going to a march, unless it's a march up Fifth Avenue to Macy's.

Now, this might be controversial, but how about we be thankful that Mike Pence went to watch Hamilton at all? I'm not taking his side on any of his stances politically or socially, but maybe we shouldn't boo him the one time he steps into the theater to support the LGBTQ/Black/Hispanic/ethnic communities, and then afterward lecture him on what to do from now on. That's like knowing you don't like stuffing, going through the trouble of making stuffing and putting it into the turkey, cooking it, serving it to the entire family, enjoying eating it, and then being lectured afterwards about how you shouldn't cook it inside the bird because it's not sanitary and that from now on you need to think about everybody else. Its seems like a lot of berating for one night.

So this Thanksgiving, whether it's a cozy Friendsgiving or a big blowout where like even third cousins show up, remember that we are all people, and wouldn't it be nice if we treated each other that way? And always remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving: to sell massive amount of Christmas presents.

Happy Holidays!!

preSideNtiaL

I would like to start by saying that I feel as though a great injustice occurred on Tuesday. I just feel like America made the wrong choice and focused more on the presidential election than my blog. It was the five year anniversary, for Pete's sake! These only come around like once or twice in a lifetime. Come on, 'Murica, you're better than that. Where's the parade and big party you've planned for me? Go back now and reread it. It was a really good one. I'll pretend to be surprised, I promise. Thank you.

Other than that, it's been a crazy week. America is in a bit of a pickle. An orange, hate filled, sour pickle. A real "bad cucumbre," if you know what I mean. But would the shriveled up sweet gerkin have been better? I don't know. They both feel slimy.

Oops, I did it again. No, I'm not talking about voting straight republican in the election, I'm talking about waiting in the Saturday Night Live standby tickets line. This was my third time waiting and "No, I haven't learned my lesson yet. Thanks for asking, Dad!" It's worked before. Once. And so, spoiler alert, I'm currently one for three. I did not make it into the show, despite waiting longer than I ever have and being closer in line than I ever was before. I was able to start on Friday at 1 pm because I didn't have work on Friday. Thank you Veterans! I'll take my day off. I like my days off like I like my old couches: out on the street and waiting for awhile. But in all seriousness, it was the easiest wait yet. I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep at 10 pm. I don't go to sleep at 10 pm ever, let alone on the street. And they came at 7 am and gave me my 24th in line ticket. I thought I had a real chance.

Once in (on?) line for the live show, they took the first 30 people straight away (me included) then like 20 more. And we all just stood up by the fabled elevators, watching person after person go by us and up into the room where it happens. They looked like ticket holders but smelled like guests or friends of friends. Half of them were famous celebrities. After watching Jason Sudeikis, Olivia Wilde, Lenny Kravitz, Naomi Campbell, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, and a man who I thought looked like Jerrod Carmichael go up, I thought the show was over and I was ready to leave. But apparently, the show hadn't begun and these people took all of our seats, despite the guy in charge assuring us that they hadn't. But at 11:29 when we were still waiting and the room was clearing I got weary. I got even wearier when the NBC page came down and said no one was getting in. No one. The first girl in line was ugly crying, hard. It was tough. I was super bummed. I almost bought out the entire NBC experience store to make myself feel better. It was just really sad. It would have been nice to go to Dave Chappelle's first show and the first post election show. But, just like the election, we don't always get what we want.

On the plus side, I wrote and sketch and then decided to flip the male and female roles so that the woman could have fun. I'd  like to think that means I'm evolving. Also, it didn't make sense for the guy to be doing the housework. (That's a joke.)

Anyway, try to stay safe and cheer up. The next fours years may pose challenging, but if we take it one day at a time, we can get through it. See you next week.

The Wooden Anniversary

Five years ago, I sat opposite my friend in his car coming back from the airport (the details of why I was at an airport are unimportant to this story, but let's just say it was my cousins Bar Mitzvah). I asked him quietly that if I wrote a blog every week, would he read it? He said yes. (He said "YES!" It was so romantic.) All of my other friends said yes, too. So that Wednesday, I wrote my first post, an introduction to blogging, where blogging could be replaced by masturbating. I was dying to write some of my funny ideas down in little paragraphs, since none of my college engineering classes offered that outlet. Now, here we are today, five years later, and I'm still writing a blog, but none of my original friends read it (as often as they did before). I'll get the ever popular "oh is it new today? I'm like three weeks behind." And thats fine, because it's reached a much larger audience over the past five years, as my number of friends on Facebook has probably doubled.

A lot can happen in five years. That was like, more than one black Presidency ago. We are now electing a new president, not because we want to, but because we have to. And I'm a different person too. I've fully embraced my funny side and gone from timid and depressed architect/engineer to performing improv, writing/performing sketch, and even performing some of the pieces I've written on here. The one thing that hasn't changed is the reason why I do this. It's good to be able to freely post something that I think is funny every week, pretty anonymously, because that way I get the practice, and some people get two minutes of enjoyment from something I've written. Practice makes perfect after all. So what really bugs me is when, much like the last couple of months, I miss a week's post. When I'm apologizing to you, I'm more apologizing to myself. You don't care. I care. I set a discipline and couldn't stick to it. That's not cool. So that's not going to happen anymore. I promise.

Now, on to lighter and happier notes. The fifth year anniversary is the wood anniversary. Google recommends a mountable, romantic wood carving. That doesn't quite apply to this. Better luck next time Google, ya dumb piece of shit. However, if any of you want to send me small scraps of wood, I would welcome it. I can add it to my pile. I make my own zen gardens. I actually find that to be the relaxing part, so then I throw out the zen garden. Once an unconventionalist, always a person who does things differently from others. So there's that.

What else? I guess what's different this year is that you can see me running all over New York doing comedy and delivering food. And I'm involved in a lot. Like I'm about to start directing my own sketch comedy show that I've written. So that's cool. But that's in January. So we will work up to it slowly.

Something I've been knocking around for a while is a hacky sack. Also, the idea of publishing a book of some of my favorite posts on here, with little comments throughout, so it's different from this but the posts are the same. Like anytime Stephen King releases an updated and expanded version of The Stand. I fall hook, line, and sinker for that shit. So maybe some of you will too. We'll see. I'm going to start that manuscript this week. I'll let you know about the process as it happens.

I'm doing improv, taking a sketch acting class, working a full time and part time job, and living life dollar to dollar. But that's New York for you. It's the city that doesn't sleep (because it can't afford rent anywhere either). Actually, New York does sleep. It dozes off on the train like the rest of us at 3:00 am. Now you know.

Here's to the next five years and the five years after that. I would light a cake but the smoke detector in my apartment would go off, and also I can't afford cake. Can somebody pay me to do this please? Please? No? OK fine. See ya next week then!

P.S. I found an about the author section for that book about blogging that I was writing. I've included it below:

Charlie Shulman used to live in New York but now resides in Brooklyn. He continues to blog in his free time because it's a good way to waste a couple of minutes. He has blogged all over the U.S. and even internationally. Blogging will always be his first love. His hobbies include civil engineering and tying cherry stems into knots with his mouth. He has two cats, but doesn't exactly know where they are.

Hallo"why?"

Well, it's here again. That's about as excited as I get for Halloween. Although, ever since I learned that Halloweentown fan fiction exists, I've moved up to a moderate "Oh wow," like an everyday Owen Wilson discovering that he has eggs left in the fridge. The thing is I don't genuinely enjoy dressing up or putting real work into the art of a Halloween Costume. Some people I know start planning now, this current Halloween 2016, for future Halloween 2018.  I can't do that. The most planning I do is trying to figure out how to go to work and, at the same time, show up to Chipotle in costume to secure the ever elusive "Boo-rito." That's a Halloween thing. 

You would think, even though no one asked you to think, that I love to dress up, as I'm a comedian and I do characters sometimes. Not the case. It just doesn't interest me. All of my friends feel differently, but that's ok. They are allowed to feel that way. Like I wouldn't even dress up to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, a show that I love. I would just show up with a top hat and pray to God that I was accidentally wearing enough sparkly things to pass as a Transylvanian. You know how I do.  

Halloween parties are a thing. News flash, though, you can't show up to them four hours after they start. I mean you can, sure, it's your life or whatever, but I'm just saying that everyone will be drunk off of who-knows how many Hell-O shots, or black and orange themed Jell-O shots. And least that was my finding this year. Even if you have a sweet costume, it'll only receive a drunk "Wow!" like a drunk Owen Wilson realizing he has one more Corona in the fridge. Then no one will ever remember it. You may get a text, a few years later, from one of your alcoholic friends working through the steps trying to make amends that says "I was wrong, your costume was the best." but that's wishful thinking at best. At best.

Now, I did manage to do a Halloweeny type thing yesterday. I went to the New York Haunted Hayride out on Randall's Island. Honestly, it was a little scarier getting there than actually going through the attractions, but that might just be me not liking sketchy areas. It was pretty cool. I was excited for the hayride, cause those are always silly and fun. It's hilarious to watch other people get scared. The dark maze was a different story, I close my eyes and try to run through that stuff. Again, I don't like scary things. I was a little scared. I don't scream or nothing (yes I do). Shut up, me! Anyway, that was fun.

Have a very happy and safe Halloween. Please experience something cool. I'd love to live vicariously through your stories, be they a quiet night in watching movies or a heavy metal concert where Gwar is playing. One of those two options. Nothing else.

Next week is the 5 year anniversary of this blog. I'll have stuff to say. Look forward to that. Also, below is a picture of the best costumes this year:

Fox Mulder and Dana Scully - X-Files