A Case of the Mondays

You know, it's just been one of those days. The very day I set out to help you get through has happened to me. The thing about Mondays is that you know exactly when they are coming, and yet they somehow manage to sneak up on you. So, it's very important that we all take the time to chuckle a little bit.

My words tend to run together. Oh great, just another group I'm not apart of.

Ya, see. I exercised a play on words and a pun. That's what I'm talking about.
See you next week.


Q&A with Labor Day

Charlie: Thank you, Labor Day, for sitting down and talking with me.
Labor Day: My pleasure, Charlie. Nobody is at work today, anyway.
Charlie: That's because we are celebrating you.
Labor Day: (Laughs).
Charlie: Now, how did you come about?
Labor Day: Well, in 1882, two men were credited with adopting the idea of me, which nowadays wouldn't be weird at all, but back then was unheard of.
Charlie: And where did you get your start?
Labor Day: Well, in 1887, Oregon made me a holiday first, and then I was made federal in 1894, when everyone jumped on the bandwagon. Not one of the Oregon Trail's bandwagons, though.
Charlie: Ah. And so what do you stand for?
Labor Day: I celebrate the economic and social contributions of workers. And that's why people are off work and given this joyous day reflection about their jobs. Some people do this year round on unemployment, except without the joyous part.
Charlie: Yeah, I've heard of that, but I don't want to start talking politics. How should we celebrate you?
Labor Day: Well, there are lots of ways. You could rest, throw a party, play golf, shop for things on sale; I mean, the list goes on and on.
Charlie: If a store has a sale, doesn't that mean people are working?
Labor Day: No. Oh wait. Yeah. Huh, it's kind of like a Catch-22 percent off. (Laughs)
Charlie: Ha, ha. Now, I have to bring this up. Some people hate you because you mark the unofficial end to summer. What do you have to say to that?
Labor Day: Summer ends when schools start up, not because of me. Take that up with the government.
Charlie: Ok, ok, no politics. So, do you have anything else to say?
Labor Day: Um, yeah, just Happy Me and don't wear white anymore. I'm ready for football, are you? Hey, if that's work, sign me up!
Charlie: Ha, yes, well thank you again for talking with me.
Labor Day: No problem. Now get back to work.


My New Apartment

There's a wasp nest in the bathroom,
Oh whatever should I do?
I tried madly flailing a broom
And yelling shoo-shoo-shoo.

That didn't seem to fix it;
In fact, more have assembled,
Packing together dirt and sh&%,
Until a honeycomb it resembled.

That is just one problem I found
With my new apartment,
A place that from top to ground
Should be condemned by the fire department.

It's an okay place to live in,
But up to code it definitely ain't,
Which maintenance's way of fixin'
Is to add a coat of paint.

More work needs to be done,
Of that you can be sure,
And it will not be any fun
Sweeping up the dusty wood floor.

But I think things will unfold,
And good times will be had.
It all depends on what the future holds
And whether it's good or bad.


Olympics 2012

"Wow, this women's individual foil fencing is intense."

The weird thing is that I actually said this. As a rule, I don't usually follow anything women do in sports, but I happened to turn on the TV and there was this fencing match. Despite the fact that every time that one girl scored I thought the other girl had scored, it was kind of interesting. And the reason I was able to see it is because the Olympics are on.

We are right in the middle of the Olympics. Competitors in gymnastics and diving have been defying gravity ever since those 30 Mary Poppins's fought Voldemort. The sport that I have caught the most of, however, has been swimming, or as it's more commonly known, Phelps versus Lochte. Phelps has 22 medals, 18 of which are gold. But do you know what? The gold medals aren't solid gold. They are gold plated silver. And then it only makes sense that the silvers are silver plated bronze, and the bronze are bronze plated chocolate. In other words, first is the worst and second is the best.

The Olympics are a fun distraction from real sports. It's a shame we only have them once every two years (winter/summer). But it does make it easier to catch up on all of my TV shows.

P.S. McDonald's is sponsoring the Olympics. That's like Coca-Cola sponsoring a telethon for diabetes.

On The Boardwalk

I almost forgot to write something this week. What if that happened? Think of the disappointed fan. Anyway, I remembered but really don't have much to say. I'm going to Atlantic City for a couple days this week. It's an annual vacation I take once a year. While I'm gone, please review my hilarious previous posts. And after the three funny ones, you can read the other unfunny ones. Alright, well, have a good week.

That's News To Me

I decided to follow the news for a week so I could offer my thoughts on the stories out there. Let's begin...

A 17 year old boy was found to be the Kingpin behind a multi-million dollar drug ring in Cincinnati. 
How do the parents not find out about this? I mean, what are they smoking? (Probably some good shit) Any way, I don't know. It all sounds kind of doobie-ous.

Sewing needles were found inside turkey sandwiches on multiple Delta Airlines flights.
The pilots were asleep during the ordeal and declined to comment. Said one stewardess, "Oh that's where I left my needles." The TSA is trying to stitch together a story. On a side note, police are looking into how sandwiches got on the plane.

Women's IQs were found to be higher than men on average. 
Good, now they can figure out a way to make more sandwiches in a shorter amount of time. It's a win-win for everyone.


Laziness

I don't want to disappoint any of the ten people who care about this blog, but I am getting really lazy with it. I have so many ideas but never do anything with them. After this post I need to get my stuff together and stop being so lazy. I blame the summer and the heat. I should really focus from now on and give you guys funny things (why start now?). So after a few weeks of laziness, next week will be good. Or at least as good as any bar I've set for myself on here. Have I even set a bar for myself? No one can know for sure. (No, wait a minute. There it is. I see it. Man, that's high up. It looks like I picked the wrong day to be afraid of heights.)