That's News To Me

I decided to follow the news for a week so I could offer my thoughts on the stories out there. Let's begin...

A 17 year old boy was found to be the Kingpin behind a multi-million dollar drug ring in Cincinnati. 
How do the parents not find out about this? I mean, what are they smoking? (Probably some good shit) Any way, I don't know. It all sounds kind of doobie-ous.

Sewing needles were found inside turkey sandwiches on multiple Delta Airlines flights.
The pilots were asleep during the ordeal and declined to comment. Said one stewardess, "Oh that's where I left my needles." The TSA is trying to stitch together a story. On a side note, police are looking into how sandwiches got on the plane.

Women's IQs were found to be higher than men on average. 
Good, now they can figure out a way to make more sandwiches in a shorter amount of time. It's a win-win for everyone.