Cruisin' for a Bruisin': Part 2

Right at the top here, I'd like to extend my deepest thoughts and sympathies to all of the areas and people disrupted by Hurricane Irma. It was terrible what happened, both in the islands and in The Southern states. I felt so bad for the people doing what we did just one week prior. There is no good way to recover from the devastation, but I'm confident that they can rebuild. Please keep them in mind and donate where you can.

Now, if you've ever been on a cruise before, then you still could not have prepared me for what I was about to experience, apparently. I asked many experienced cruisers what it would be like and received vague answers like "free ice cream" and "a bottle of wine will follow you around." I can get a bottle to follow me around at home too, so I was greatly unimpressed. Tell me something I need to know. If you sea something, say something, for Christ's sake.

But we went, nonetheless, with nothing but our smiles, because they took all of our luggage and said it would be in the room later. I found it outside of the room, looking a lot like it forgot it's Sail and Sign Card. Tsk tsk. The room always contained a weird animal made out of towel. I just kept thinking "I hope this seal is big enough to dry me off tomorrow morning." It was, don't worry.

The minute you get on a cruise, there is something to do (drink). It's almost annoying. I don't like vacations where there is too much to do. I could just sit on a beach for hours and not need a thing. Just a book, my sunglasses, a sandwich, and a towel. I carried way more than that amount of stuff to the beach because I don't know how to move efficiently with my things. But, it was ok, I gained a ton of muscle from dead lifting everything that I own.

We did ALL of the excursions. The only thing we didn't do was wander off to a nude beach by "mistake." We got the fruity drinks, we swam with the dolphins, and we ate raw conch meat. What a time to be alive! It was really fun. We took a lot of pictures, each one of which is worth a thousand words and also a thousand dollars, according to Carnival. At the end of the cruise I said "Sure, I'll buy them," and then threw my wallet off the side of the boat, a strict no-no. It's swimming with the dolphins now too, and I haven't been responding to PNC's letters.

The food on the ship was nothing short of amazing. We were served four course meals for dinner. I don't even eat four course meals at fancy restaurants in New York, and that's, like, the place to do it. I tried things that I've never had on land. Stuff like escargot, frog legs, and butter on bread, all of which was incredible. And, if you couldn't decide between two things, they would bring you both! You could've pulled a Ron Swanson and said "Give me everything on the left side of the menu," and they would've brought you that, plus the bottle of wine, because remember, that shit will follow you like your problems at home. Long story short, the expensive dining is overrated. The best things on vacation are free.

If you don't get sucked into the spa or the excursions like we did, cruising can be really fun. If you have a problem, they will do everything that they can to make that problem go away. It's almost magical. I think it's because they know you're trapped on a boat with them, and you can easily find them in their 4 person bunk beds and mess their night up. Unfold their tortoise towel and whip them or something. I'm not creative. Anyway, I recommend it but I was glad to get back onto land. I'll get my sea legs one leg at a time. Also, I cut up my credit cards, so I need new ones first before I go on my next adventure. But, this one was a boatload of fun!