Taking a Stab at the Onion

This is my attempt to write an Onion article. If you are unfamiliar with the Onion, it is a satirical news source written by snarky millenials. "Write" up my alley!  Enjoy!

Shia Labeouf Spends 24 Hours in an Elevator, Claims That Fart Smell "Wasn't Him" 

This past Friday, notable actor/performance artist Shia Labeouf spent 12 hours inside an elevator before and after a speech at Oxford University in England. Students and spectators were allowed to cozy up to him and ask him their burning questions about film, television, and his career. Most ended up getting on the elevator and staring at their phones in silence. "It was relaxing," said a hungry and tired Labeouf. "I feel like it represents my career very well, you know, a lot of ups and downs."

This event comes comes just after he sat for 24 hours and watched all of his films in reverse order, all the way back to Even Stevens, arguably his best work. That event went so well that he decided to grab a coveted spot in an elevator and connect with fans. He made small chat, hugged them, and even slapped one in the face. Typical Labeouf. 

One moment, however, almost through a wrench in the entire demonstration. About halfway through the second 12 hour shift, Labeouf let out a little "LePoof." There's no denying it; it was caught on camera as everything was being recorded. He tried to cover it up by blaming it on an unsuspecting sophomore looking for an autograph, but no one bought it. "Ultimately, my Holes (starring Shia Labeouf) got the better of me and I passed gas. It's not the first time and it won't be the last," said a groggy, hungry Shia. 

Most students stayed clear of the elevator after that. "Celebrity farts are gross," said a super senior on his way to class. "I wouldn't be caught dead there longer than I need to." Labeouf's crowd diminished and he exited the elevator as scheduled, quickly ran to the bathroom, and then got food. "It was gratifying," he said. "I would do it again." As Shia exited the school, he took the brown paper bag that his lunch came in, dumped out the trash, placed it over his face, and got into a stretch limousine. Students and faculty will look fondly upon this day and remember it for what it was: a mild inconvenience.