Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I married your mother? Really? I haven't? But you're like 13. It's never come up? Hmmm. Weird. Anyway, here it is, I guess, for the very first time.

It was a cold night in January. I was at home, in my bed and about to go to sleep, when I got the idea to swipe a couple girls left or right on Tinder. You've heard about Tinder in the audio textbooks, right? It was this old app that actually forced people to talk and then meet somewhere. You would see another person's picture and then swipe left or right, based solely on attractiveness, pure primal drive. Well, eventually, your mother's picture showed up, and I thought Sure, I'd fuck her, so I swiped right.

Well, unbeknownst to me, she had also swiped right, so we matched. Now, I'm not saying it was love at first swipe. Ha ha ha. We didn't know each other at all. I mean, I jerked off to her photo like six times before I even dug up the courage to message her. But we started talking, and you know, the rest is history.

Internet history, that is, because I scoured Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and even LinkedIn for any type of profile I could find on this woman. It's hard when you only know a first name. It really limits the online presence. I didn't even know her full name until we signed the marriage papers. It just never came up in conversation, and I never thought to ask.

Our first date was a little weird. Have I told you about this? I guess I haven't. Well, I was a little low on funds at the time, and since I didn't even know the woman you now call your mother, I suggested that we split the bill. We're going Dutch, I exclaimed. Better call me the Flying Dutchman. She was not amused, but I got her back on my side with hours of more witty banter on Tinder. What a great app for witty banter!

All-in-all we managed to defy the public opinions of our friends and family and have actually stayed happily married, as you kids are aware. She said she was outdoorsy in her bio, and I said I was open to trying new things. It seemed like a perfect fit. She also said no hookups, as if every guy wants to hook up with her right away, but after getting to know her, methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Well, I've successfully bored you kids for the last five minutes. That feels like long enough, doesn't it? Ha! Could you imagine if I did this for nine seasons at 22 episodes a season? Alright kids, go to bed. Happy Valentine's Day!