More Powerball

Well, I didn't win the Powerball jackpot this past weekend, so that meant that today I had to go into work and apologize to everybody that I flipped off and cursed out. When I think about how personal I made the attacks, I get sick to my stomach. Anyway, they were good sports about it, and I can't wait to do it again on Thursday when I burn all of my bridges on Wednesday.

For most, playing the lottery is the exact definition of insanity: doing something over and over again and expecting different results. With the jackpot so large (1.3 gabillion dollars!), everybody and their brother thinks they have to play and grab a piece of that action. This makes everyone everywhere talk about the Powerball. News stations won't shut up about it, math professors teach it in school, and gambling addicts throw their life savings at it (but to be fair, they do that anyway all of the time, so they don't know any different.) I mean, people have actually stopped talking about Making a Murderer to talk about the Powerball. Now that's dedication. I'm even talking about it right now to you!

What does all of this mean? That's a big question I'm not qualified to answer yet. Oh? You mean the Powerball? It means that many of us are encountering the numerous stereotypes that emerge from the downtrodden woodwork to take a small shot at too much money to fathom. (What is 1.3 billion? I can't picture 1.3 billion of anything, let alone cold hard cash.) Let me describe them to you, although I'm confident you've already bumped into most of them.


The Virgin: He (or she) is someone who's never played the lottery before and is being roped into it at work for some stupid pool. He (or she) puts the money in reluctantly and keeps asking "How does it work?" while refusing to understand it each time you explain it.

The Know-It-All: They have all of the facts about the lottery, right to the down to when it was very big the last time and who won, what the odds of each outcome happening are, and how many things you could buy with all of the money. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

The Cynic: This guy thinks the lottery is just a tax placed on stupid people, only because he's never won it before. He's tried and lost once or twice, and that was enough to sour him on it for good. He'll never participate in your silly office pool. He's too smart with his money for that.

The Planner: This person knows exactly how they will spend the money, right down to the last penny. And they aren't shy about telling you either. Don't worry, they are giving some to charity. It's just not enough to make you stop asking "Are you selfish?"

The Way-Too-Enthusiastic Girl: This girl has enough energy to make the lottery balls bounce around in the machine. She wants to know every number your playing and why you're playing them. She's not playing at all, she just wants to live vicariously through you. (and, of course, split the money!)

There you have it. As the great Christopher Walken once said, "I've got a fever. And the only prescription, is more Powerball."

Please play responsibly.*


*Gambling problem? No, I have no problem gambling.