Sketch Perfect

Tomorrow is the day. I've written and directed a sketch comedy show called Channel 1 with my newly formed sketch group SketchTV. This has been my goal from the beginning. You all should come see it (tonight if you're reading this Tuesday). It's all about what's on when TV goes off. You'll love it!

New York's been snowy recently, in a really pretty way. Usually, when you see a bunch of white stuff on the sidewalk, you're like, eww don't touch that! This has been just enough snow so that you need boots, but not enough snow to shut anything down. That's the right amount of snow.

Unfortunately, we inaugurate the schoolyard bully with a Twitter account on Friday. That'll be fun. So far the musical guests are an assemble of crickets and a couple of squeaky floor boards. What a concert! I'm looking forward to it. I hear they got a pocket sized bible to swear him in on since his hands are so god damn tiny.

Come to my sketch show on Tuesday. It's at the People's Improv Theater at 7:00. You'll be there, right?

 https://www.facebook.com/events/1815888955335872/?ti=icl

Get Down With the Sickness

If there's one thing 2017 is known for already, it's illness. According to the Chinese Zodiac signs, it's the year of the stomach bug/flu combo. I did not know that. That's cute. Also, I've had both and can attest to them. The stomach bug is like a cockroach, cause you try to get rid of one bug and they keep coming back. The flu is like Hillary Clinton, cause it's persistent and won't go away, no matter how much I rest and call it a nasty cold. Most recently, it's robbed me of my voice. I'm without my prized instrument right now, that sweet, monotonous, sultry voice that will put anyone to sleep unless I say something funny. It's just gone. I'm a wheezing, gravely shell of my former self. It's really no fun.

Everybody is sick, though. Like errbody. "How bad is it?" It's so bad, the office is now called the "cough"ice. Oh! It's so bad, doctor's are just asking guys to turn their heads now. Ow!! It's so bad, Kleenex has to outsource tissue production to Mexico. Ole!! Trump won't like that, I'll tell ya. No, but for real, it seems like everybody is coughing, sneezing, and wheezing their way through January. I think it has to do with the weather changes.

It's cold out, yo! (All my California readers can disregard this.) East coast, you feel me, right? I mean, you can't feel any extremities, but you feel me, right? That good, that's good. I have been out over stressing myself and exerting too much energy in the frigid cold. That'll stop. That's no way to get better, is it?

I hope you had a good first week of 2017. Last night was the Golden Globes. If you watched, it was pretty good. Meryl Streep is a genius. Jimmy Fallon was short and sweet and to the point. Trump took issue with the ceremony, but that's because it was something Golden that did it have his name on it. So, keep tweeting Mr. Trump, we know who's really doing the leading. Try to focus your efforts into productive efforts at change. And you know me, I love change. Ooh, look, a penny!

We can cross New Year's resolutions off at the end of the month. That'll be nice. Have a good week.

New Year, New We!

If you're reading this, congratulations! You've made it out of the death trap that was 2016. Got a bit dicey at the end there. Bit of a spot we were in, I do say! (Sorry, I've been watching Sherlock all day.) But alas, it's over, and 2017 promises to be one hell of year too, with of the administrative changes this country is going through. But, we can keep moving, keep fighting, because it's all about the climbbb..... damnit, I've gone into a Miley Cyrus song. Sh&@! I told myself I wouldn't do that. 

Now, I bet your wondering "Charlie, how did you spend your New Year's weekend, you comedian extraordinaire? What did you do you salty dog, you?" First of all, stop calling me names. Secondly, I spent the weekend at a Quaker retreat in upstate New York, because, much like everything else in 2016, my sense of fun died. If you're wondering what a Quaker retreat is, I'm not so clear on the details either, except for the fact that Quakers are peaceful, religious-but-not-in-a-Jesus-sort-of-way, and very spiritual. All of the songs that they sing use the word sunshine, for a point of reference. I got to do retreat-like things like Pilates and a massage. Technically, I was supposed to turn off my smartphone, but that was too much for my small, millennial brain to handle. I may start doing pilates this year. I don't know; how crowded are the gyms right now? Eh, I'll figure it out.

Was my first choice for this weekend an alcohol free excursion that began and ended with a Megabus ride between New York and Albany? No, that's not anybody's first choice for anything ever, but I did it because it was where I was invited. You go where your welcome when you've got nowhere to go. (Let's really push that this year. I'm talking bumper stickers, magnets, necklaces, words on the butts of girls pants. I want people to see that message. Sounded dope!) So I was happy to be included in something. Even though the room that I stayed in only had two twin beds and even though the building was so old it classified as a fire hazard, I made the best of a new situation.

That brings me to this year, 2017, in all of its shining glory. Let's go over all of my resolutions, as I've done the previous year and as I intend to keep doing for as long as I'm still doing this:

1. Stop breaking out into Miley Cyrus songs (working on it, ok?) 

2.  Have a recurring sketch show at a New York Comedy theater, with new sketches every time.

3. Craft a solid 10-15 minute set of stand up. 

4. Perform regularly with 1 or more improv teams. 

5. Write a few episodes of a television show.  

6. Develop a late night television packet.

7. Write a play. 

8. Release a book. 

9. Attend the ever popular play 'Hamilton.' 

10. Begin regular classes doing pilates, tai chi, or yoga. 

11. Join a bowling league.  

12. Get a new job. 

This is more than enough to get started. Some of these are from last year, since I didn't get to them. That's ok. I'll do them and more this year. Here's to 2017. I'm not giving away my shot. Raise a glass!

Another Home for the Holidays

I hope everybody is having a wonderful Hanuchristmakwanza. All three holidays aligned this year. I haven't seen three things in this much agreement since the three Wise Men brought Jesus gold, frankincense, and mer. Now that's groupmind, baby!

I did something this year that I've never done before. I spent the holidays at my girlfriend's parents house. Her family is pretty much like mine, a nice blend of happy and traumatizing. There were parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow. Oh no, wait, that's a song. We just went to a couple parties and opened presents. I got some good gifts, too, like a bottle of beer and book. The theme was pants and books, but I guess nobody knew my correct size, since I buy all of my pants in a larger size to make it look like I'm deathly thin. Instead, I just got a book. I'm ok with that.

Meeting someone else's extended family is interesting, to say the least. You don't know anyone, and by the time you learn all of the names of people, it's time to go. At the holidays it's especially weird, cause you get watch everyone open up their inside joke presents and then be like "Oh wow, you got a framed picture, thanks so much for the chocolate."  I've since framed all of the chocolate that I've been given and will be hanging it up wherever I can. 

I did miss my family, though, crazy as they may be. It felt weird to break traditions that I've been doing for 23 years, but I guess I made some people happy by spending time with loved ones. I got to experience a new outlook on the holidays, a more Christian view, you know, to offset my Jewish perception of Christmas, which is just a lounge around day filled with pajamas and Chinese food. There's more to it than that for most people. I had no clue. 

I managed to also come down with a pretty intense stomach bug, so if anyone needs me, I'll be traveling between the bathroom and my bed. Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. And a Happy New Year. I'll see you all on the other side. 

Is This Just Fantasy?

I'm sitting at my computer watching ESPN, a thing I never do. There's chicken in the oven. If you sniff real close, you can smell it. I'm drinking coke with some scotch in it because my fantasy football team made the playoffs but is currently dying a slow, painful death. If you listen closely, you can hear Tom Brady giving me a 21 shotgun salute, which is where he deflates 21 footballs and then throws them a real long way in my honor. Unlike the chicken, you can put a fork in my fantasy football; it's done.

I thought I had a chance. I made the playoffs, and I don't even know what I'm doing. Who's Rob Gronkowski, and why does everybody want him so bad? He never plays. I know less about this than Donald knows about the presidency. Of course, I'm talking about Donald Knotts, star of the movie The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. Oh yeah, there's chicken in the oven. I'll be right back.

It's done. The chicken, I mean. In the knick of time too, cause I'm filling up on scotch. 

Dinner was good. I started a new paragraph to let you know that. This is real stream of consciousness tonight. It's Christmas on Saturday. I'll have more about that next week. Let me experience it first, then report back. Hanukkah too. I'm Jewish, so that makes more sense for me to report on. I'll do it, don't worry.

Happy Holidays!!!

The New Yorker for The New Year

I recently started getting the New Yorker delivered to my apartment, in a last ditch attempt to try to gentrify my neighborhood. I keep pulling it out on the train and hoping that by some sort of smart osmosis the influence will rub off on everyone. Usually, when people talk about pulling things out and rubbing off on the subway, it means something different. It's making me feel special this holiday season. (We still don't know if I'm talking about the New Yorker.) Except there is just one thing that I can't figure out; I never know what to not read. (Ok, I'm talking about the New Yorker, not jerking off.)

 I feel as though I should read everything in the New Yorker, right? Like I'll read the add for Chantix. And then I'll say something like "Hmm.... it's not really the drug for me, but damn it was well written. I didn't know you could list that many side effects so succinctly. It has a definite style to it." That's where I'm at right now. Still figuring things out.

The cartoons are different from the ones that I'm used to in the newspaper. Not as funny. More thinky. Like in the newspaper you'll have the classic Charlie Brown Peanuts. And in the New Yorker, you'll have a Peanut feeding an elephant with the caption "You should see what I trained him to do in my pajamas." And you're just like "Ha. Funny." 

Well, I'll keep reading the New Yorker if you keep reading this. Let's try something. If you've read this post this far, please share it. Like hit the share button on Facebook. That might get me out there. Let's see what happens. Happy Monday!

Busy Being Busy

Webster' s dictionary defines success as "being the only good dictionary on the market," Ok, wait a minute! That's a bit conceited and self congratulating, Webster, even for you. But to me, success is getting to do what you love. It has nothing to do with money, no matter how much we desperately want it to. It's that easy, plain and simple.

So what am I successful at today, you ask? Glad you asked. I'm doing a lot of sketch comedy. Huzzah!! It really is the coolest thing. I'm completing an acting for sketch class that is having a show that I'm in, I'm writing for a Peoples Improv Theater work study sketch show, and I'm writing my own sketch show. The class show is this Saturday at 4:00pm. The work study show is next Monday at 9:00pm. And my sketch show is January 17th, 2017 at 7:30pm. Come and forget about the inauguration for like two seconds. It will be terrific!

Contrary to popular belief, these opportunities didn't come about because I was siting at home. I've been out, schmoozing and boozing and choosing what I want to do. Improv is fun, but I will always think of myself as a writer. It's what I've always wanted to be. So you just say that to people and you find opportunities that they have. And if they don't have any, make your own.

That's an interesting concept. Make your own opportunities. It's very possible to do, but it does take work, dedication, and sacrifice. Man, if I put as much work into my day job as I do this stuff, I could be a world famous civil engineer. Just kidding, their aren't any. Anyway, December is the last month this year, so start gathering up those resolutions. You know I've got some new ones. Hold yourself accountable for what you do. That's my message today. Have a good week. Sorry for the short post, but I'm super busy. *wink*

Thankfull of Myself

Well, if you're reading this, you survived the sequel to the Presidential Election, which is, of course, where your family politely asks you to the pass the bread and then not-so-politely debates about the results like CNN, but with less hardcore porn. Or more, I don't know your kinky family. I do know Kinky Boots, though. Great show. Anyway, you survived the sequel, affectionately tilted "Election 2: Election Bugaloo." But it was also called Thanksgiving, where the thing that I was most thankful for this year was that the Big Bang Theory wasn't new. Get out of here, nerds!!

As we inch out of November and into December, I'm reminded of Christmas and Hanukkah and the part where people need presents. I've never really given others presents before. I would always just receive gifts from my family. Is this where I got so conceited? Maybe. But this year, I need to get presents for others, both significant and insignificant (you know who you are).

Did you know buying gifts is expensive? Me too. We should be friends. (But don't expect a gift. I won't get you one.) Gifts are kind of like the election when you think about them: They are expensive to buy and not everyone is happy with what's inside. But enough of me complaining about being an adult, huh? Why don't I try recommending something useful. So here's this: Put care into what you get. Something with bells and whistles on it won't matter more to someone than a well thought out, carefully planned notebook with a quote that they said on it. Or something like that. I'm not the creative one here. That's you!

So as we as a country slink into December like a slinky, and by that I mean downward and one step at a time, we should remember those that we do have and what we just spent the last few days overeating for: the fact that we can be thankful for the three F's: Family, friends, and football. Have a good rest of November. (Look at how concisely I wrapped everything up. I'm getting pretty good at this, I think. I'm also still working on that book of these. If you see me in public, please let me know which posts you've loved. Thanks!)

Thanksliving in a New World

The atmosphere in America is a bit unfriendly right now (too much C02, if you ask me). We don't need to drain the swamp, we just need to wait for it to evaporate due to global warming. But putting that aside, whether it's politically or environmentally, there are things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving, as we all know, is the national holiday for over-eaters, the one day a year Americans allow themselves to indulge... Hahahaha, I couldn't even type that with straight fingerz (due to a typo when I was writing this, "fingers" is spelled with a "z." It looked cool, so I left it.) Americans do that erryday, haha, we big! I think it has something to do with the day; Thursday. It rolls off the tongue like a hairball. I think Thanksgiving should be on a Monday. And this blog should come out on a Monday. Everyday should be Monday, or some variation, like Monday 1, Monday 2, Monday 3... that sort of thing. I'll call up the calendar people to discuss this and see what I can do.

My writing today is all over the place, similar to my food on Thanksgiving, which is all over the plate. What I'm trying to say this Thanksgiving is that there are things to be thankful for. You just have to put politics aside. Let's not even bring it up this week. I just want to see pictures of turkeys being brutally slaughtered and parade floats with Disney characters on it. That what Thanksgiving is to me. Don't even bring up that you're going to a march, unless it's a march up Fifth Avenue to Macy's.

Now, this might be controversial, but how about we be thankful that Mike Pence went to watch Hamilton at all? I'm not taking his side on any of his stances politically or socially, but maybe we shouldn't boo him the one time he steps into the theater to support the LGBTQ/Black/Hispanic/ethnic communities, and then afterward lecture him on what to do from now on. That's like knowing you don't like stuffing, going through the trouble of making stuffing and putting it into the turkey, cooking it, serving it to the entire family, enjoying eating it, and then being lectured afterwards about how you shouldn't cook it inside the bird because it's not sanitary and that from now on you need to think about everybody else. Its seems like a lot of berating for one night.

So this Thanksgiving, whether it's a cozy Friendsgiving or a big blowout where like even third cousins show up, remember that we are all people, and wouldn't it be nice if we treated each other that way? And always remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving: to sell massive amount of Christmas presents.

Happy Holidays!!

preSideNtiaL

I would like to start by saying that I feel as though a great injustice occurred on Tuesday. I just feel like America made the wrong choice and focused more on the presidential election than my blog. It was the five year anniversary, for Pete's sake! These only come around like once or twice in a lifetime. Come on, 'Murica, you're better than that. Where's the parade and big party you've planned for me? Go back now and reread it. It was a really good one. I'll pretend to be surprised, I promise. Thank you.

Other than that, it's been a crazy week. America is in a bit of a pickle. An orange, hate filled, sour pickle. A real "bad cucumbre," if you know what I mean. But would the shriveled up sweet gerkin have been better? I don't know. They both feel slimy.

Oops, I did it again. No, I'm not talking about voting straight republican in the election, I'm talking about waiting in the Saturday Night Live standby tickets line. This was my third time waiting and "No, I haven't learned my lesson yet. Thanks for asking, Dad!" It's worked before. Once. And so, spoiler alert, I'm currently one for three. I did not make it into the show, despite waiting longer than I ever have and being closer in line than I ever was before. I was able to start on Friday at 1 pm because I didn't have work on Friday. Thank you Veterans! I'll take my day off. I like my days off like I like my old couches: out on the street and waiting for awhile. But in all seriousness, it was the easiest wait yet. I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep at 10 pm. I don't go to sleep at 10 pm ever, let alone on the street. And they came at 7 am and gave me my 24th in line ticket. I thought I had a real chance.

Once in (on?) line for the live show, they took the first 30 people straight away (me included) then like 20 more. And we all just stood up by the fabled elevators, watching person after person go by us and up into the room where it happens. They looked like ticket holders but smelled like guests or friends of friends. Half of them were famous celebrities. After watching Jason Sudeikis, Olivia Wilde, Lenny Kravitz, Naomi Campbell, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, and a man who I thought looked like Jerrod Carmichael go up, I thought the show was over and I was ready to leave. But apparently, the show hadn't begun and these people took all of our seats, despite the guy in charge assuring us that they hadn't. But at 11:29 when we were still waiting and the room was clearing I got weary. I got even wearier when the NBC page came down and said no one was getting in. No one. The first girl in line was ugly crying, hard. It was tough. I was super bummed. I almost bought out the entire NBC experience store to make myself feel better. It was just really sad. It would have been nice to go to Dave Chappelle's first show and the first post election show. But, just like the election, we don't always get what we want.

On the plus side, I wrote and sketch and then decided to flip the male and female roles so that the woman could have fun. I'd  like to think that means I'm evolving. Also, it didn't make sense for the guy to be doing the housework. (That's a joke.)

Anyway, try to stay safe and cheer up. The next fours years may pose challenging, but if we take it one day at a time, we can get through it. See you next week.