Always Be Sleeping

I was dead tired yesterday. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to donate two hours of my time from 6 a.m to 8 a.m. Then, I worked from 1:00 p.m to 6:00 p.m. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, I'm just saying I could've been sleeping. 

I know what you're thinking. "This is just gonna be another post where Charlie says he doesn't have anything this week and tells us he's tired." Wrong! Let's talk about sleep.

I need it!  If I don't get it, I'm a monster in the morning. I need a solid six hours of good sleep, like deep REM cycle stuff. None of this U2 business. I mean, it takes a lot to look this good. It's not as effortless as I make it seem. *wink*

Almost everything that I say can be followed by the words "but I could have been sleeping." It's that important to me. I value my time asleep as much as I value my time awake. A good night's sleep is the reason that I'm a civil engineer and not an architect. I just couldn't sleep on a cold concrete floor using my backpack as a pillow. This post is a day late because  I actually fell asleep in the middle of writing it. That's not an excuse, it's the truth. 

What I'm trying to say is that I apologize, but I was asleep. (That's what she said!) I slept for 12 hours and I feel great today. And on a rainy Tuesday, what could be better? I can't think of anything. 

The Frugality Examination

Well folks, it's August. I can't believe it. August snuck up on me like Bill Cosby at a bar, and by that I mean on August first I woke up drunk and with the feeling like something was wrong. That's when I looked at my wallet, and saw that the money pocket was empty. Don't worry. I wasn't robbed. I did it myself. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

I worried yesterday about writing two "money" posts in a row. But since I haven't won the lottery yet, it doesn't look tacky to do so. Also, I can do what I want. It's whatever. Get off my back! This time, though, it's not about having all of the money, it's about having very little.

Webster's Dictionary defines frugal as being "careful about spending money or using things when you do not need to." This is where I find myself this week, wanting to live as frugally as possible, because I have no clue what the future holds. To me, frugality is what you get when you combine self restraint with unemployment. Remember, frugality is 99% perspiration and 1% that awful feeling of worry about how you will pay all of the bills.

Now to be fair, I've always been a little frugal. I'm Jewish after all. I mean, I call change I find on the ground 'supplemental income.' It's second nature, like the urge to lift people up in chairs when happy music plays. But that doesn't mean I can't increase my frugality every now and again. I've started coupon hunting, looking above and below for anything that can help me save money. You know those surveys at the end of receipts that you look at before you throw out the receipts? I do those now. This is what I mean. I'm not quite at extreme couponing levels, but I'm getting close. 

It's all about living within your means. If you can't afford a car, don't buy one. Take public transportation and bum rides off of your friends and family until they get annoyed by you. It's really that simple.

Look. I think that the reason that I am so into money right now is because I started reading a book about behavioral economics. That's most likely the reason. It's fascinating stuff. So, like the great Sean Paul of Youngbloodz says "Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind." But always remember, like the great Notorious B.I.G. says, "Mo money, mo problems."

If I Should Win the Lottery

If I should win the lottery,
I’d beat up a random man,
Then pay all of his medical bills
Just because I can.

I’d apply to every job,
And the ones I’d get I’d quit,
Because I wouldn’t need the money
So I wouldn’t give a shit.

I’d buy every scratch off ticket
And win the lottery again,
Because I’m super greedy,
And don’t know how to “say when.”

I’d go and find a hooker
And ask her to be my bride,
Then say I’d met her at a synagogue
But secretly know that I lied.

I’d fake my own death
And pay the doctors to keep silent,
Then show up at my own funeral
And make things get very violent.

I’d get full body plastic surgery
To fix every single imperfection,
Then commit a bunch of crimes
And beat the police’s facial detection.

I’d buy a private island
And fill myself with rage
To impersonate my favorite celebrity,
The incomparable Nicholas Cage.

And of course I’d donate some
To a deserving charity,
A charity that I like to call
The bank account of me.

Psych! I wouldn’t give any away
Because the money would be all mine,
And then I’d pretend to be a bum
And ask “Can you spare a dime?”

But that’s if I win the lottery,
Something that I will never do,
So this poem is pointless,
As pointless as me and you.

P.S. You can see me perform this week. A while back, I wrote a monologue on here about Charlie Bucket being all grown up.  I am performing that monologue on Thursday, July 30, at 7:30 P.M. at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Check it out!!

Ruffin' It

Contrary to what Florence Welch may expertly sing to you, the dog days are not over. They're here, right now. Fun Fact: They call them the dog days of summer because this is the time of the year when the movie industry annually releases a new Beethoven the dog movie. This year it's Beethoven: Paws for Laughs, wherein Beethoven tries improv comedy. It actually gets pretty good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes at 67%. It's also the time of the year when everything slows down. The hot sluggish air rolls into the area and sticks around for days, like a bad roommate. People decide to escape the madness and go on vacation. Side note: Vacations are only fun if you're on them. It's torture to have to listen to someone tell you about their vacation. Actually, the FBI uses that as an interrogation technique. It goes waterboarding, electric shock collar, white woman telling you about her cruise through the Mediterranean. But I can't say anymore about that, because if I do, I'll have to kill you. And I don't want to kill you, because I can't afford to lose the view count. See? You matter to me. 

What I'm trying to say is that it's a rough time to be working outside, because it's hot and muggy, and a rough time to be working inside, because you wish you were outside laying at the beach. Catch 22. But cheer up. These days won't last forever, you global warming fanatic. Have some faith. Fall will bring some cool temperatures, red and brown leaves, and more stable outdoor work. Stay cool out there this week. Drink water. If you're not going to the bathroom a lot, then you aren't drinking enough water. Also, you're probably not diabetic, as that is a tell tale sign. So you're healthy but too hot. Or you're hot but not too healthy. Either way, I'm going to watch the new Beethoven movie. I hear it will have you "barking with laughter."

Monday's A Joke

Here is a joke that I thought of today.

Q: What do you call a blow job in England?

A: Painful

(You know, cause their teeth are so bad!) 

In my defense, I've been super busy the last week and don't really have much, but you knew that already. Next week I'll have something really good, I promise.

Monoblogue

Last month, Ireland became the first nation to officially legalize gay marriage. I, for one, am shocked. Who knew that a nation full of people who believe in rainbows and little hairy men would be so progressive?

A bagel store owner in Colorado created cannabis infused smoked salmon as part of the unofficial stoner holiday of 420, giving a whole new meaning to the term "High Holidays."

A woman in Toledo, Ohio reportedly went blind after being licked by her cat, catching a bacteria known as "Cat scratch." She's told reporters that she doesn't want to talk about the incident, so I guess the cat's got her tongue, too.

Cuba was officially removed from the U.S. terror blacklist, and the U.S. plans for a full renewal of diplomatic ties. Barack Obama evens plans to make Cuba the 51st state, affectionately calling it Florida 2. 

Researchers have discovered that the whole "I'm bad with names" thing is a real condition, citing that "names are meaningless and don't establish much of a memory pathway by themselves." For more on that story, please contact... Oh crap! What's her name?... Oh. Hold on. It'll come to me. Ugh, I'm bad with names, sorry. Shit!!

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will reportedly not return to reprise their starring role of Michelle in Netflix's sequel reboot of Full House, entitled Fuller House. The rest of the cast is very disappointed. When questioned, Stephanie said "How rude!" Uncle Joey said "Come on, now 'Cut them out.'" And Uncle Jesse said "Have mercy!" and launched into a guitar solo that I believe is still going on.

Robert De Niro gave the commencement speech at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts and told the recent grads "You made it - and, you're fucked." They all responded in unison "You talkin' to me?"

The Supreme Court Ruled that Facebook rants are not considered a crime, only a misdemeanor, punishable by an unfriending and a long comment about how Jesus still loves you.

Well, it's finally done. Bruce Jenner successfully transitioned into a woman and looks pretty damn good. She even has her own new reality show, appropriately called "TransJenner."

An official reported that dozens of venomous creatures washed up along the Surf City beach on Long Beach Island in early July. These creatures were identified by their scientific name: Guidos. 

The Supreme Vourt ruled in favor of Gay Marriage, in an historic landslide vote of 5-4. I say landslide, not referring to the number of supporters, but to the loudest and most flamboyant way a vote can happen. 

A 22 year old man died instantly after setting off a firework on the top of his head. Relatives said "He always knew how to light up a room." 

We're Moving Out

Char-li-hee works at the country club course

Savin’ his twenties for some day

Mama and Dada got a brand new red door

And said "Charlie move out by this Friday”

Ah but selling your house can give you

A heart attack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack

You ought-a move right now

Who needs a house out in Limerick?

It costs all of us too much money.

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

Charlie gets weary walking on his feet

At night he becomes an improviser

He plays with Philly performers

Down on the Sansom Street

Across from the comedy center

And he's honing all of his skills for

A funny act act act act act act

You ought-a move by now

If he can't move in with his brother

At least he can joke with performers

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

You should never live at home and lose your mi mi mi mi mi mind

You ought-a move by now

You can pay Uncle Sam when you have the time

It costs all of us too much money.

And it seems like a brand new house

If we move all our stuff out

Mama, if we sell this house, then we’re movin out

Mm, We’re movin out, mm oo oo uh huh mm hm

Look, Ma! I'm on T.V.!

I know what you are all thinking. "Gee willickers! I really want to see you on national television, Charlie." Well, fine reader, this is the week to see your wildest dreams come true. I have two chances to be on T.V. this week. That's right, two! Dos! Double trouble! 

The first is right now, depending on when you are reading this. Jimmy Kimmel does a Wall of America segment on his late night talk show, wherein he basically Skype's with "civilians," or non-celebrities. Now, I'm pretty much a real celebrity, but today, if they use it, I might be on that wall pretending to be a civilian at 11:35 pm EST on Monday, June 22nd on ABC (Check your local listings). He might talk to me. I don't know, I'm not him (but I'd like to be). Hopefully, I don't turn into the "Apparently Kid," because that would be embarrassing. But then again, it may get me on Ellen. So who knows?

The second chance comes this upcoming Sunday through next Wednesday. As we all know, I'm a caddie. This week I get to pretend that I'm a caddie on the PGA tour, as I will be working in the 48th PGA PNC, or the professional national championship. Club professionals come from all over the country come to compete for a spot on the tour. That will be on the Golf Channel. Look for me; I'll be dressed like everybody else. I'll be wearing a black bib, white shirt, and tan shorts caddying for a Mr. Hudson. I won't have any speaking lines, but I may shoot the camera a grin or a quick nod. Because the camera loves me and I love it. Let's just make sure they get my good side, the right side. That much needs to happen. After that, it's  all a toss up. Sorry, I have to go now.

Lights! Camera! Action! 

UPDATE: I will not be on TV Monday night. They decided not to use the wall. :( This is a real thing, however, and I will let you know if I am ever on it.

T.S. 1989

Let me tell you a theory that I have. I believe that one cold night in March of 1989, Mr. and Mrs. Swift lay down together in bed and declared, "Tonight, we will conceive a national treasure," at which point a hair on the back of Nicholas Cage's neck stood straight up. (As we all know, whenever you say "national treasure" nowadays, Nicholas Cage appears and tries to buy your house and turn it into an island. But back then, it wasn't even a gleam in his Moonstruck eyes.) And then the two of them made passionate, burning love. Nine months later Taylor Swift was born, and the world was irrevocably changed for the better. I don't think that anyone fully understood what was to follow in the consequent years, even when a twelve year old Taylor sang at the Philadelphia 76ers game. Today, Taylor Swift is one of the biggest artists in the world, and no one has been at a 76ers game since. 

As you may already know and probably have guessed, I attended the Saturday performance of The 1989 World Tour. It was a surreal and amazing experience, to say the least. On the way over to the stadium, I got really excited because I realized that the crowd would consist mainly of girls and young women. Ergo, the lines for the bathrooms would never be long.  And I was absolutely correct. The sound was very good at Lincoln Financial Field and completely drowned out the neighboring Barry Manilow concert at the Wells Fargo Center. (Side note: If you ever wanted to gather up all of the white people in Philly and place them in one area, then Saturday you must have been in heaven.) Anyway, the seat that I had was OK, I just wish that I had brought my binoculars. But I could see her good enough when she came out after both opening acts and welcomed us all to New York. Philadelphia is kind of her hometown, since she's originally from just outside of Reading, so she kept reminding us of that, and we kept going nuts.

Although she is beautiful, sexy, and mesmerizing inside and out, I could not stop staring at the bracelet that we all received upon entry to the concert. At first, it did nothing. Then someone somewhere pressed a button, and they all lit up, each one shining and glowing. Different sections of the stadium were different colors, creating something really nice to look at. The bracelet danced along with the music and people. I kept it, and now every time it moves, it lights up for a little bit. It made for a very psychedelic ride home from the concert. I think that when it dies, I'm just going to change the batteries. 

She sang mostly songs from the album 1989, but didn't hesitate to throw Love Story in there, the one about the original lonely star-crossed lovers, not Blank Space, which is clearly about two Starbucks lovers. This is something different. There were surprises, like Rachel Platten, and guests, like Mariska Hargitay. Overall, it was very expensive, but very worth it. I enjoyed seeing her in person and not with all of those awards in her hands on TV. She's the correct amount of humble, and it clearly shows through her messages and beliefs. I'm very glad that I went. On the way out of the stadium complex, I saw a billboard that said that Shania Twain would be at the Wells Fargo Center in July. I said "So she's coming here? That don't impress me much."

Maybe You Did, Maybe You Didn't

If you're like me, then you spent the entire weekend watching improv duos be funny. But you're probably not like me, and so you didn't do that. Instead, maybe you watched the ponies race on Saturday and saw American Pharaoh win the triple crown. But, then again, maybe you didn't do that either. Did you caddy at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning? Of course not. You have dignity. Maybe you watched the Tony Awards and marveled at the talents of very artistic people. Or maybe you just watched reruns of the TV show Friends, by turning to literally any channel at any time of the day. The point is that I don't know what you did. All I know is that I ate Chipotle twice this weekend and I am still feeling that high. What do they do to their chicken? It's chicken wizardry I tell you! By the way, chicken wizardry is the name of my improv duo that I started, where I'm on stage with a live chicken and we improvise deleted scenes from the Harry Potter movies. It's real experimental stuff. You probably wouldn't get it. But then again, maybe you would.