Philly's Special Friend

On Monday, my hometown of Philadelphia unveiled a new Flyers mascot that is so Gritty, they literally named it that. Looking like the love child of the muppet Animal and a South Street dumpster fire, Gritty has all the nuance of the Heat Miser's dead wife. Imagine if the Philly Phanatic starred in Little Nicky with Adam Sandler. Steve Buscemi looks more appealing than this thing.

When I think of the Flyers, I think of their original mascot; a hockey puck. Wasn't that the old mascot? Or like a drunk guy eating horse poop? One of those is right. You know what I don't think of? An even raunchier version of an Avenue Q character, where they like do meth instead of just fuck other puppets. Seems to me that Philadelphia fans have a lot to digest here, especially since the new Flyers mascot looks like someone ate and threw up a pizza on quilt your grandmom made you.

The name Gritty doesn't tell me enough. Everyone in Philadelphia is gritty. The whole goddamn city is gritty. But that's not something to name a mascot after. Cleveland's Indian mascot is called Slider. You don't see them naming it after their city, by which I mean naming it Mistake. Although most will tell you that naming the team the Indians was a mistake. I just don't know how to feel about the mascot from the name. I definitely feel dirty talking about it, but that could also be from talking about Philly.

Well, as I've made clear, the Flyers' mascot looks like if the Tasmanian Devil was really a devil, and drank all the beer at your cousin's sweet 16. That's just uncle Greg being Greg. Anyway, I can't wait to see what team's mascot they unveil next. I'm betting it'll be the Philly Union's Onion, cause we don't have a circular mascot yet and that has some layers to it, unlike Gritty, which looks like if Elmo grew up, let himself go, and now manages a glory hole near the stadiums.

Dilly! Dilly! Philly Special!