Ulterior Motives and Where to Find Them

I always try to get something out of every situation that I'm in. I don't see how someone starting out in showbiz can get anywhere without doing that. I volunteer at an improv theater, not because I have nothing better to do for five hours on a weeknight, but because if I do, I get discounted classes. So it's me being helpful, but having what you call an incentive, which I call an ulterior motive.

Webster's dictionary defines ulterior as "kept hidden in order to get a particular result" and motive as "a reason for doing something." So I always keep my reasons for doing anything hidden. That way, I can get my particular result. (My reasons are like little ninjas that I've hired; they'll kill you in the dark. I'm just kidding; they'll kill you in broad daylight too.) It's important to fact check what you write as you write it with the method thrown in. The old "show your work" model. What I just did there is essentially the 'new math' of English.

Why do I bring this up? Because it's something that we never talk about. I feel like we never ask each other the real, underlying reasons why we do what we do. There do not have to be thirteen reasons why you're doing anything, either. That's misinformation spread by the lizard people at Netflix. (Just a joke, Netflix please hire me!) It doesn't matter if the reasons are sinister or not, we just don't don't tell each other what they are. And I think that's wrong. So, I'll start. My golf clubs are now safely with we in New York City.

Here's what happened. I had been wanting my golf clubs for a long time. I know I have no time to play, but I just thought it would be a good idea to have them with me. And then I saw an opportunity. If you invite your family up to play golf with you, in the process, they have to bring you your clubs. Because your clubs won't drive up here by themselves, despite one of the clubs being a driver. It's misleading, I know. Anyway, one way to get someone to bring you something is by inviting them to bring you the thing that you want and then using it when it's gets here. It was a bit convoluted from the start, but it ended up working and now I have my clubs. Kind of a long way to go for my clubs, but plans aren't always simple, especially when they involve ulterior motives.