New Phone! Who dis?

Recently, I sat down and conducted an interview with the first person who texts you whenever you get a new phone and don't know who anyone is based on their numbers. His name is Dis. He is actually a really solid dude. I did this interview as part of my new exposé series called "People Say I'm Talking Funny." Let's make this a monthly thing, maybe. Here's the talk.

Me: Hello. Thanks for coming.

Dis: No problem. I'm happy to be here.

Me: Good. I know you don't usually do interviews, you prefer texting, right? This really means a lot.

Dis: That's right. I do. But you offered me so much money that I couldn't resist.

Me: People don't need to know that.

Dis: Sorry.

Me: How do you always know who has a new phone? And like how do you know their numbers?

Dis: I didn't always know. One day, I got bored, and texted "Hello" to a random number. The person replied "New phone. Who dis?" and I got the idea to make it my mission to seek out those who have a new phone and become this character of Dis. I hacked into AT&T and Verizon and stalked their phone records.

Me: So Dis is a stage name? What's your real name?

Dis: I'd prefer not to say.

Me: Fine. I won't press you. 

Dis: Thanks. It keeps things anonymous.

Me: Why do you feel the need to hide?

Dis: Well, I'm stealing information from major cellular service providers, so it wouldn't be too good if they knew who I was. And I don't like being recognized in public.

Me: Makes sense. I don't like to be recognized in public either.

Dis: Are you recognized a lot?

Me: No. But if I was, it would be a huge pain. What's the most rewarding part of you doing what you do?

Dis: I like connecting with people, regular everyday people, you know. I like connecting with them personally, over cell phone texting. It's so much better than the internet.

Me: Who are your idols? Like who do you look up to?

Dis: I really love kids who always text because they do it so fast. God, they're quick. They're fingers move like they're on speed. That's some adderall shit. And I also look up to grandparents, because they don't know when the appropriate time to text is. So, you'll get something at like 5:30 in the morning saying "I love you." and it's perfect. 

Me: So, the young and the old? I guess that answers my question.

Dis: I'm sorry, but I have to go. I was just looking at the records and I have to text a girl in Texas. This was fun.

Me: Thank you for you time, Dis.

Dis: Yeah, ok......... (texting and walking away)