Hi. How are you feeling? Did New Year's Day hit you as hard as it hit me? Well, we are different people. Now, it's time to tackle those New Year's Resolutions. And you know what "resolutions" stands for, right? Realizing Every Single Odd List Unit To Impel Our Non-essential Spirits. It's confusing, I know, but what I intended it to mean is that we are trying to accomplish every single stupid goal on a list. The number one goal on your list is probably (drum roll please)... to go to the gym more.

Was I right? Let's pretend that I was. I've encountered this first-hand in my house. I've got a rat problem, let's say. These rats are bigger than field mice, but smaller than New York subway rats. (To be fair, I call homeless people rats.) Anyway, the rats I'm talking about are my parents. They aren't actual rats, or else we would have to keep more cheese in the refrigerator. They are more like gym rats, or, at least, they talk like some.

Personally, I think that just getting to the gym is a workout. I mean, you have to plan to go to the gym or you won't get there. It takes real motivation. Just pulling up in your car is enough. This is how it goes. You get there and say "I thought I left with enough time, but there was so much traffic. I nearly hit a kid on my way over here. Maybe I shouldn't have sped through that school zone. Oh well. Man oh man. Shit, it's five thirty. I better get out of here, I'm exhausted. Oh look! A Starbucks. I'd say I've earned that after what I just went through." Or you could do what I do which is to let your metabolism shape your body. Every time I look in the mirror I think "Hey, I really put the "ab" in metabolism, don't I?"

So, if your resolution is to work out more, make sure your schedule is actually working out. Pun intended. Happy New Year!