My name is Charlie. Because of that, I get the same questions over and over again. No, I didn't bite your finger. No, I don't want to go to candy mountain. And finally, no, I don't own a chocolate factory... anymore. I sold that retched piece of property years ago. Do you know what Wonka did? He left me with a decrepit piece of land and a factory that was falling apart and rotting from literally everywhere. Can we talk about this for a minute? Let's start with that Wonkavator. You wanna know how I got back after we burst through the freaking roof? I jumped!! It dropped down low enough, and I took my chances with a large tree. Where's Grandpa, Wonka, and the Wonkavator? Hell if I know. Haven't seen them since.
When I got back, that place needed massive renovations. All new pipe work, machine parts, the whole deal...and then the lease ran out. Boy, Wonka sure timed it perfectly, handing me a factory with an almost expired lease. And what about papers transferring the property to me? Let's just say that my golden ticket did not hold up in court. I had to sell a lot of things to pay the city back. We had a massive yard sale, the Oompa Loompas and I. Then sadly, I had to let half of them go. The half that I din't let go unionized, to everyone's surprise, and I found myself the target of some pretty harsh attacks. I remember their signs like it was yesterday: "Oompa loompa, do-ba-dee-DON'T!
I kept thinking "Why me? Why did I have to win? Why couldn't it have been one of those other rotten children?" But they were bad from the start and died because of it. I was the warrior. Oh yeah, they all died that day. I couldn't save any of them. You think I know how to unshrink a small boy or deflate a purple girl? Nope.
Things started to pan out, it seemed. The factory was running around 75%. The death threats stopped coming. I thought we might actually make it through. We did have to get rid of the fizzy lifting juice, though. Turns out, that shit gives you cancer. They caught it early, but... I don't know. We scrapped the program anyway, just to be safe. Was it around that time that we discovered the ants? I think it was. You couldn't possibly think that one can run a factory with rooms made of candy and not have ants, could you? Luckily for me, Slugworth knew an exterminator.
I don't mean to complain. My life now is pretty good. I'm a retired chocolate factory owner and my current wife is a retired Realtor. That's kind of how we met. She says I'm too bitter from the whole experience and that's why my other three wives left me. Yeah, that's why! (Lots of crazies out there, if you catch my drift). Oh, and this marriage thing is new for me, seeing as I only found a wife when I retired. I call that factory my Ever-Lasting Cockblocker. Listen, I tell my tale as a cautionary one. Take Old Man Bucket's advice: If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- Charlie Bucket