Here's a bit that I've tried on stage at open mics. I'll write it out, then I'll give you my thoughts and get personal, making it better, mayhaps:

"I always carry a condom in my wallet, because it's that kind of thing about how if you have your umbrella, it's not gonna rain, but if you don't have your umbrella, someone's gonna get wet."

See? It doesn't quite work. What might work better is if I say:

"I always carry a condom in my wallet, because it's that kind of thing about how, if you have your umbrella, it's not gonna rain. You're so prepared, that it doesn't happen. That means, I've successfully avoided sex for a long time. I could change that, but it's so difficult to remember to remove the condom from my wallet. Plus, if I do take it out and use it, we all know it's just gonna end up inside out and mangled in a New York City trashcan."

Marginally better, I think. Makes a joke somewhere at the end.

Speaking of segues, condoms still fascinate me. I say 'still,' but I'm technically very new to the process of using them... and I've been fucking since high school (*high five*)! But, in all seriousness, I am new at this. And the assumption that I keep working on is that all condoms are the same size (incorrect, I know). Like a one size fits all weenie beanie. I learned that they aren't (for lack of a better phrase) the hard way." (Ba dum tiss!!)

Now, as I've discussed with you before, I tend to be most comfortable wearing loose, baggy clothing. The same shouldn't seem to apply here. Condoms are better than clothes, in the sense that you are literally supposed to grow into them, but with this, it's different. Size doesn't matter (incorrect, I know), but a tighter fit is better. Too tight is the counterpoint and equally bad, especially since "doing it" on a counter in destructive. There's no way you clear the appliances and decorative flower bowls in an orderly manner. I just have never seen that happen.

I need to get it through my brain that there are little size markers (actual size markers?) somewhere on the erotic packaging of condoms. There have to be. Next time I'm in the vicinity of one, I'll look... wait?! There's one in my wallet!

*opens wallet*

What?!? It's not in there. It's gone. Shit! Well, someone's gonna get pregnant tonight. My bad!

P.S. Don't even get me started on the different outside designs and whatchamacallits. Ribbed, lubed, contemplating grad school. They've done everything to these little tugger huggers. It's overwhelming and literally all encompassing. Who needs 'em, am I right honey? *slap* Ouch!! Fine, we'll use them. I was kidding. Geez. More to cum in a few weeks 😉!