Knife Elbow

I wouldn't normally talk about this kind of stuff, but it's now happened to me three times. By law, I have to address it (That's a pun, you'll see why below, laugh when you get it). Because I tend to think about things like this; once is an occurrence, twice is a coincidence, and thrice is pattern. So I'll admit this out loud. I don't just have cancer, I also have a condition known as knife elbow. 

What is knife elbow, you ask? It's the condition where an unexplainable rip forms at the elbow of your dress shirt. Think of it like if Edward Scissorhands tried to slip you shirt on over his scissorhands. My left elbow is cutting through my shirts like a warm knife through butter. It's the only reason I'm not rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. I'd kill them. 

Knife elbow is actually a lot like tennis elbow, except that chefs get it most commonly. At first, I thought it was some elbow eating moths in my closet, but the exterminator assured me that I "don't have a closet."  

Anyway, it's very frustrating. I wish that my left elbow was as dull as my right one. Come on left, you backwards. I'm sanding it down currently, but this hurts more than helps, in my opinion. Wikipedia was no help; didn't even know what I was talking about. WebMD says that I have elbow cancer, so I'm going to get that check out tomorrow. What are the odds, though? Can lighting strike twice? (Remember, thrice is a pattern!)

Some good did come out of it all. I've written a short film. It's a sequel to My Left Foot called My Left Elbow and stars Daniel Day Lewis as the titular elbow. You'll see it at next year's Oscars, guaranteed! 

Its the end of February, so I'll share my resolutions with you again, with some additions and updated statuses. Enjoy! 

1. Stop breaking out into Miley Cyrus songs (Complete)

2.  Have a recurring sketch show at a New York Comedy theater, with new sketches every time. (1/2 Complete - doing my show again!)

3. Craft a solid 10-15 minute set of stand up.

4. Perform regularly with 1 or more improv teams. (Complete)

5. Write a few episodes of a television show. 

6. Develop a late night television packet.

7. Write a play.

8. Release a book.

9. Attend the ever popular play 'Hamilton.' (Complete)

10. Begin regular classes doing pilates, tai chi, or yoga.

11. Join a bowling league. 

12. Get a new job. (1/2 Complete - promoted at work)

13. Beat Cancer (3/4 Complete)

😎 So far, so good.  😎

P.S. Knife Elbow, my new improv team, has 100 shows this month. Come see us!