If you haven't read last week's post, please scroll down and read it, mom! (JK, i know you did.)
It's called papillary thyroid cancer, and it's rare in men my age. It's more common in women of child-bearing age. That's not me yet, but it could be. #imwithher #iamher #iamonewiththetumorandthetumoriswithme
When I first heard the news from the doctor, I excused myself, went into the bathroom and punched a dent into the towel dispenser. That hurt a lot, and I'm on a simple repayment plan to cover the damages. Oh, the things Breaking Bad doesn't tell you! It was quite a shock to hear, but I quickly decided to do whatever was necessary to get rid of this cancer. I wanted to ditch this tumor like the annoying coworker at a work function. I was told a complete thyroidectomy was in order. "Don't I need my thyroid?" I asked. "Yes, but it's riddled with cancer. We need to remove it, ma'am, oh, uh, excuse me, sorry. It's more common in women... I thought you were a woman." Luckily, my "girl cancer" can be cured with some surgery and a pill.
Surgery was fun. The anesthesiologist gave me some sweet medicine. I haven't been that high since I partied with Billy Rubin back in Hebrew school. I only remember a little soft rock playing in the operating room. Then, it's lights out.
Lights up on the recovery room. There I am wizard-of-ozing my family and friends. "I dreampt that I had a thyroid. And you were there, and you were there, and you were there too! "They monitored me over night, feeding me less than fulfilling rations of food. My calcium, much like everything else about me, was perfect. I was quickly discharged, like a cell phone running PokémonGO. From there, it's just your average major surgery recovery plan: $9.99 a month, no hard foods, percocets (which I'm high on right now), and some well deserved rest. Oh, yeah, and in a couple weeks I'll be radioactive, sound good?
I went back to work. I acted in a TV show pilot reel, I ate Chipotle. I'm becoming me again. Also, John Malkovich a little bit. Side note; my improv team, A Bit of Malkovich, has shows lined up at Triple Crown all this month. Recovery is going well. I'm being put on thyroid medicine as I write this. It'll be good. I'll be good. There will be more fun cancer updates soon, but for now, I think regular activities and rest are good for me. So, I'll end this the only way I know how. Praise, Beyoncé!!